PENTAGON: REAL NORTH KOREAN MISSLE WOULD HAVE BECOME DISHEARTENED BY DAZZLING ANTI-MISSILE TECHNOLOGY AND CRASHED HARMLESSLY INTO THE NORTH PACIFIC

Bellevue Bakery Offers "Choco-Late Christmas Shopping" In Desperate Bid to Pay of $613K in Mob Gambling Debts

RUMSFELD RELENTLESS IN LOBBYING OSCAR COMMITTEE ON BEHALF OF JENNIFER LOPEZ IN "GIGLI"

ULTRA-DEEP OFFSHORE OIL RIG BREAKS THROUGH TO AUSTRALIAN FRENCH FRY VAT

COMPANY PULLS BULGING, THROBBING, SWEATY PRECIOUS MOMENTS CHARACTER

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Gets that Not-So-Fresh Hippocampus Feeling

Zombie Sinatra Smacks Around Some Ghost Punk Who Thinks He's Somebody's Ghost

Several Caramelized as Explosion in Milky Way Factory Rains Nougat on Hundreds

Adorable Kittens Perceive Weakness of Puppy, Pounce

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Is Your House Asteroid Blast-Proofed?

Donald Rumsfeld Continues to Insist that 'Star Wars: The Phantom Menace' Is Clearly The Best of the Entire 'Star Wars' Series

Richard the Third Offers Kingdom for Appropriate Ink Jet Cartridge

Panel of Conservative Economists Agree that the Economy is Best Stimulated By Massive Federal Tax Cuts and Transfer Payments to Conservative Economists

Government Animal Survey Predicts Adorable Kittens Will Snuggle

Secular Jewish Family's Christmas Ham Tradition Subjected to In-Law Scrutiny

Cute French Bulldog Exasperated By American Diplomatic Intransigence

University of Michigan Study of Laptop Computers: Dangerous For Men and Their Testicles, But Appropriate For Women and Even Pleasureable, With Simple Attachments

Blue State on Red Alert

EPA Proposes Outlawing Endangered Species

Teen Fails to Approximate Sexual Experience With Couch Pillow

Manageable Goals Revoltionaries Let Air out of Extended Cab Pickup's Tires

Today's AlarmingHeadlines Weather Forecast: Magma-y

Missile Defense System Failure Dismissed; Pentagon Expects 52% of Actual Nuclear Missiles to Be Stopped Before Each Obliterates 10 U.S. Cities

Bush Also Expects to Receive Bonus Cities

Billions of Gallons of Dried Paint Worldwide Awaits Sanding

Superman Pre-Approved

George Lucas Planning to Screw Up "King Lear II"

(Miami) Yacht Builders Vahst and Whyte Charge a Little
Extra at Christmas to Provide Yachts to the Underprivileged

WRECKED ALASKA SOYBEAN SHIP RISKS HOLD TURNING INTO 40,000 TON TOFU BINS - BOCA BURGER COMPANY LAYS SALVAGE CLAIM

Scuttled Homeland Security Nominee Also Owed $154,000 Fines on Overdue Romance Novels Left at the Murder Scene of His Twin Bisexual Irani-Mexican Lovers

Adorable Kittens Lay Out Rights to Comfy Sweater Box

Instead of Trashy Show of Obscene Inaugural Excess, Adminstration Will Give $40 Million to Free Turkeys for Monaco Fund

Shell Gas Station Attendant Planning Revenge

Nantucket Atkins Dieters Demand Historical Whaling Privileges

Climatologists Concerned As Halliburton Subsidiary Quietly Begins Early Planning for Club Med Nunavat

Former Wimp Convicted of Vicious Redondo Beach Assault on Sand Kicker

Holiday Argument Not So Much Settled as Drowned with Pie

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Form Moustache Graffiti
Direct Action Network

Coming Up on Headlines: G.M. Reports on Why Letting Your Children Walk Anywhere is Dangerous and Makes You a Bad Parent

Elementary School Contemporary Art Project
Recontextualizes Unpopular 3rd Grader

Best Buy Complete Home Entertainment System Customer Suddenly Struck By Intense, Generalized Loathing

Angry Tacoma Potato, Accused of Comestic Violence, Shot By Cops in Eye

Adminstration Vows to Build "Arsenal of Incredulity"

Grandmother Confused By Reports That Scott Petersen Is Sentenced to Death by Weasel Injection

Mike Holgren Reportedly Able to Cook White Rice in Less Than Five Minutes Just By Swallowing It

Unhappy Lumberjack Recalls Childhood Beating With 130 Foot White Spruce, Leaving Permanent Spars

Golf Channel Even Boring People Watching Adjacent Channels

Iraqi Teenager Won Over to Freedom By Slightly Ironic Old Navy Ad

Pledge Drive Running Out of Ways to Kiss Up to Seniors, Promises to Have Charlie Rose Personally Kick Children off Lawn

Anna Nicole Smith Awarded Medal of Questionable Use of Freedom

Brilliant Visual Trick Wasted and Forgotten on Phone Commercial

Boiling Outrage Over Neighborhood Speeding May Spark Letter To Editor

That 9th Shot of Tequila To Result in Child Support

As Sun Sets On Congo Can Conglomorate, Robots Rejoice in Reykjavik

Coming Up on Slapstick Headlines: Why Your Family and Their Heads are At Increased Risk From Open Cupboard Doors

Dr. Phil: U.S. Becoming Hated Deliberately To Avoid The Responsibilities of Love


Catastrophic Malaysian Ship's Cook Caserole Recipe Typo Reported: "Soak 23,000 Metric Tons of Soybeans in Salt Water"

Extra Diebold Voting Machines Converted to ATMS; Rural Ohio on Crazed Shopping Spree

Brazillian Hybrid Car is Unique Electric-Llama Power

Official UK Government Inquiry to White House Requests Instructions on Best Type of Toilet Tissue to Use

Adorable Kittens Angry About New Non-Kitten Specific Cat Food

Love Triangle Scandal Rocks Tukwila Best Buy

Egg Salad Nominal

TV Tonight: Fictionalized Graphic Details of Autopsy Will Strangely Cleanse Mind of Inevitability of Death

EPA Backs Social Darwinism

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Interstate 90 is So Gay

Alaska Cargo Ship Disaster Captain Had Accidently Swapped Aleutian Islands Chart With 'Family Circus' Cartoon

GUILTY! SCOTT PETERSON TO FACE DEATH FOR HOGGING NATION'S VALUABLE NEWS TIME

Left Plugged In for Last 6 Weeks, A Diebold Voting Machine Pushes Wisconsin Bush Margin to 535 Million

Fired Assistant Suggests That Stone Cold Bitch Took It All Wrong

SANTA DROPS THE COAL BOMB

CO-PILOT'S ACHINGLY DULL STORY OF REPEATED WINNEBAGO REPAIRS AT MONTANA R.V. DEALERSHIP BEGINING TO ENDANGER FLIGHT 71

Greedly Stripper Falsely Insinuates Future Relationship

BRIGAND PIRATE "CAPTAIN BLOOD" CAPTURES TWINS, JULIA ROBERTS' HEART

FORMER NAZI CAMP GUARD FORCED TO LEAVE AMERICA, WITHDRAW AS HOMELAND SECURITY SECRETARY APPOINTEE

CANADIAN FORCES TAKE BELLINGHAM WITH MINIMAL RESISTANCE

TV Tonight: Mild Eccentrics To Trade Barbed Yet Loving Insults

Adorable Kittens Forced to Lick Embarassing Places in Public

Coming Up on Headlines: Laptop Overheating of Testicles Causing Births of Unholy Antler People

RUMSFELD STARES MANY HOURS AT ROMA TOMATO

Scientists Hope Decoding of Chicken Genome Will Lead to Cure for Lime Marinade

Craft Store Chain Says Ineffable Atmosphere of Emptyness and Inevitable Death Part of Original Business Model Drafted by Jean Paul Sartre

Grocery Shopper Creeped Out By Shopping Cart Handle Cooties

Seahawks Receiver Drops Bus Pass

Michael Jackson Denies Having Career in Music as Black Man

Retail Giant Notes Uptick in Jackboot Polish

Adorable Kittens Trip the Light Fantastic, In this Instance Leaping from the Scratching Post Directly to the Drapes

Feeling Too Cheerful? Discuss the Future With A Drunk Biologist

Warm Torrential Weather, Heavy Flooding Explained Over Green Tea As Meterologically Expressed Erotic Symbolism

On TV Tonight: "Celebri-Wannabes" Are To Be Disappointed By The True Nature of Being

Proposed Freeway Project Abandoned After Divorce

Benevolent Market Forces Reward Girl, 10, With Additional Stick of Gum in Packet of Gum for the Same Price

Managable Goals Revolutionaries Leave Out Bush Voters From Flyers for Excellent Party

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Family Resents Your Very Modest Success

Captain Waits For Clear Sign of Trouble Before Bothering Coast Guard


DOCTORS HAD PUZZLED OVER HOW TO KEEP JAMES BROWN QUIET DURING PROSTATE EXAM

Giant Sea Lozenge Terrorizes Esophagus Islands

Desperate Attempt by Doctors to Treat Bird Flu-Striken Jazz Musicians with Heroin

Belgian Boy, 12, Unmpressed By Large Gains in Canadian Agricultural and Lumber Exports

Study: Millons of Quarters Are Lost in so-called "M & M" Gumball Machines Which Actually Dispense an Inferior, Somewhat Chalky Brand of Coated Chocolate

Young Woman Encouraged to Hold Celebrities in High Regard

University of Michigan Scientists Confirm September Observation that Tucker Carlson is a Dick

Artist Swears By Beautiful Women

Iraq Election to Give Florida a "Run for It's Money"

Sensitive Ship Sunk By Cutting Remark

Man Pleased Thrift Store Couch is Rough Sex Resistant

Genetic Modification Allows Tater-Tots to be Planted

US Communist Party Brochure Demand Up Sharply

Plan to Pacify Iraq With Starbucks Holiday Coupons Hits Snag

Adorable Kittens Believe They Suffered Considerable Neglect Since This Afternoon At 3

WALMART SUES NON-SHOPPING AMERICANS

Sen. Kerry Stands By "Fuck You, You Fucking Fuckfaced Fuck" Fax To President

Controversy Rages over GPS Satellite-Tracked Breast Implants With Ability to Pinpoint Location within 2 Centimeters

TV TONIGHT -America's Next Top Model: "Hot?" or "About to Be Run Over By a Jacked Minivan?"

Coming Up on Headlines: The New Intelligence Act And the 1500 Words That Are Unwise to Ever Type in Any Order

YANKEES ADVANCE TO SERIES AS ASHCROFT "SETS ASIDE" BOSTON PENNANT VICTORY FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY

CNN's "Crossfire" Introduces Paint Guns

Tucker Carlson Successfully Baited By 7 Year Old Girl at Chuck E. Cheese Mock UN

Miracle as Man Walks Away From Deadly PC Crash

Adorable Kittens Intend to Vote for Whomever Has the Liver Paste

Chicken Lawyer Drafts Stern Letter to KFC

DEBATE: PRESS GRUDGINGLY ADMITS KERRY USED BUSH AS A TYPE OF DENTAL FLOSS

BILLIONAIRE INDICATES U.S. ECONOMIC PERFORMANCE "PRETTY FUCKIN' EXCELLENT"

Rumsfeld Lauds "Incredible Progress" in Iraq, Averaged Over Epoch Since Dawn of Agriculture in Euphrates Valley 9000 Years Ago

Cute Puppy Filled With Fierce Rage at Squeeky Toy Duck

University of Washington Study: Rapidly Growing Population of Attractive Young Women in Fremont Area of Seattle "Potentially Catastrophic"

Fox News Apologizes For Admitting It Made Quotes Up

American Squirrel Association Accused of Persistent Inconsistency

CNN/USA TODAY/ GALLUP POLL - "Fuck Off," 43%

Doctors: Bill O'Reilly Expected to Survive "Episodic Head Bloat," Where Head Randomly and Suddenly Increases to 2, 3, or Even 4 Times its Regular Size

Continued Success of the Onion Driving Artist to Art

Manageble Goals Revolutionaries Stick Post-It With Phrase "You Smell" to the Man

Adorable Kittens Alarmed by Unexpected Phone Call

Profitable Tire Installation Company Cheerfully Installs Tire

Larry King Finds Out How Henry Kissenger Feels

Jimmy Carter Steps Up Demands for Democracy in America; De Toqueville also Wondering What the Hell is Going On

Galveston Wal Mart Sunk In Surprise Raid by Pirates

Asian Outrage Flu May Piss Off Millions

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Upcoming Beautiful Weekend In Florida Expected to Negatively Impact Weather Channel Ad Revenues

BUSH DISMISSES IRAQ KIDNAPPING OF UNICORN PRINCESS

Mistaking Metaphor for Contract, Halliburton Builds $35 Billion Bridge to Future

ZEUS HAD BACKED AL GORE

Pirate Painter is Arrrtist On the Move

Vaguely Liberal Strategists Pronounce Tied Election as Impossible to Win

Beautiful But Deadly Friday's Waitress Infiltrates Appleby's

A Movie is Released In Which Attractive People Experience Problems with Both Zombies and Aliens

Madison WI Trostskyists Argue over Starbucks v. Yuban

Massive $9.50/hr Phlebotomist Shortage Described as Sheer Laziness

Adorable Kittens Displace TP Rolls, Secure Top of Bathroom Cabinet Outpost

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Send Sarcastic Post-It in Business Reply Envelope Back to County GOP Office

Little Nickel Ad Suggests '87 Chevy Conversion Van Re-Discounted For a Reason

Deep Sadness as Dreams of Being Porn Star Termed Unrealistic

Kurdistan Teenager Not Overly-Discouraged By Discovery that New Moustache is Likely Ball-Point in Origin

Wal Mart Greeter Fired For "Welcome To Wal Mart, Tool!" Greeting

Goofy Blown Away

Coming Up on Headlines: White Powdery Substance May Not Be Cracker Residue

SPOT NEAR ORLANDO MISSED; ZEUS DEMANDS FIFTH HURRICANE

SHOCKER IN LATEST POLLS AS "STRAIGHT-SHOOTER'"CALIGULA LEADS BY FIVE

College Paper By President Bush Surfaces; TA's Notes Suggest Madagascar is Pretty Obviously Not in Lake Michigan

WAL MART TO OCCUPY THE SET OF ALL POINTS

ADORABLE KITTENS FORCED TO ATTACK BICYCLING MOUSE CARRYING TINY CATNIP CHRISTMAS TREE

Karl Rove Nixes Zoot Suit

Cole Porter Revival At Nascar Event Turns Tragic

Comedian To Make Observation

Mastering of 9th Language by Montanna Woman is Admired Yet Widely Resented

Alaska Legalizes Marijuana For Large Male Brown Bears in Need

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fling Stale Halloween 3 Musketeeers Bar at Pickup with Bush Sticker

Charlie Rose Puts the Beatdown on Punkass Harper's Editor

Controversy as U.S. Military-Industrial Complex Outsources Most Work to
Burkina Faso

Coming Up on HEADLINES Weather: The Undervalued Pleasures of Subterranean Concrete

Jeb Bush Taunts Hurricane Ivan as "Girly Weather"

COMMUNIST PLOT OVERTHROWS MARYLAND STARBUCKS TABLE WITH THE NICE VIEW

Aunt Esmerelda Shoots Son in Law Such a Look

Balloonhead Economist Expects Deflation

Adorable Kittens Unable to Post Bail

Salmon Run Numbers Collapse Made Up For in Weight

Ryder

Communion Accident Turns Wafers Into Zeus

Private Detective Buddy Gets a Load of Those Gams

Mr. Potatohead, 47, Victim in Gruesome Eastside Murder- Police Seek Atkins Dieter of Interest

GOP Historian Claims Bush is Blithering Genius

Iowa Housewife Stumped by Tomatilla

Reflecting Polls, America Sadly Drops "United" to Become Just "States"

Thread Dangles From Shorts, Adorable Kittens Must Pounce

Froggy Goes A-Courtin', Denies Spy Ring

Committee Investigating Excess Delegation Assigns Committee Assignments

Angry Customer Declares Jihad on Substandard Safeway Brand Nutty Nuts

University of Michigan Report: SLIGHT THREE YEAR INCREASE IN BLITHERING

Hungry Commandos Overthrow Snack Machine

Last Year's Massive East Coast Power Outrage Finally traced to "Clap-On, Clap-Off" Switch Mistakenly Installed at Lincoln Center

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Authorities To Allow Floridians a Four-Day Respite from Running For Their Lives

F-28 ANGELS SECURE MIDDLE EAST AIRSPACE giotto

QUAGMIRE ACCOMPLISHED credit: witty NY protestor

BUSH'S COMMENT THAT WE CAN'T WIN THE WAR ON TERROR MISPOKE; WAS MEANT TO BE "I CAN'T WIN THE WAR ON TERROR"

KOMODO DRAGON WITH RABIES, (R) CONGRESSMAN FROM TX, AVOIDS GOP CONVENTION SPOTLIGHT

LIBERAL ARTS MAJOR RETURNING FROM ST. JOHN'S COLLEGE DIAGNOSED WITH POST-SOCRATIC STRESS SYNDROME

Bong-Toting Hippie Mugged By Gang of 3-Toed Amazon Sloths: "It all Happened So Fast." old punchline!

JOHN MCCAIN: GEORGE BUSH HAS THE COURAGE TO CAJOLE AND INTIMIDATE MODERATE REPUBLICANS INTO AN AWKWARD FACADE OF SUPPORT

Israel Agents with Underachievement Issues Flip Georgetown Barrista

Adorable Kittens Take Down Ferocious Water Buffalo In Their Dreams

Americans Extremely Divided on Whether America is Extremely Divided

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Organize 500,000 Person March But Lose Car Keys in Union Square Through Hole in Shorts Pocket

Welsh Radicals Kidnap French Journalists: Demand Paris "Lose the Attitude"

Managables Goals Revoltionary Singer in Thoroughly Modern Millie Revival Deliberately Gives Her Less Than Best Performance

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular 7 Talked into Unnecessary New Car Undercoating

Working With Pat Robertson, St. Francis of Assisi Condemns Foreign Aid to Ethiopia

Coming Up on Headlines Weather for Candyland: Incoming Hot Cocoa Storm Expected to Bring Chocolate Streams to Flood Stage

Venus Again Relaxed

ALABAMA AIR NATIONAL GUARD VETS ACCUSE BUSH OF LYING ABOUT 1972 BEER BONG RECORD

"Timmy's" Executive Order 417 Suspends U.S. Constitution

Fascist Traffic Court Judge With Obvious Personal Vendetta Stung Witless By Letter to Editor

GOP MODERATES CALL FOR BAN ON DIRTY THOUGHTS BROUGHT TO MIND BY CALLING FOR BAN ON DIRTY THOUGHTS

2 GRAD STUDENTS SLIGHTLY INJURED AS UNIV. OF WASHINGTON APPLIED PHYSICS LABORATORY VAN ROLLS KINETICALLY OFF CLIFF

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Resolves to Lose That Unsightly Cellulite that Tends to Build Up Around the Cerebellum

Doctors Drain Fluids From Injured Pirate - Get Rum Punch

Walter Asks Leave to Express His Hostility

Proud New Ring Tone Owner is Beaten to Death at Ballet

Adorable Kittens To Nestle on Labrador

Vicious Terrorist Intrigued By 24 free Red Lobster Dinners With Windshield Replacement Offer

Steaming Hot Pastrami Sandwich Denounces GOP Convention

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Give Voter Registration Form to Nice Guy on the Bus

Ballet Company Dancers Expresses Remorse for Death of Country Star Toby Keith

Uma Thurman Again Missing Incredible Dinner Opportunity in Seattle

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: What's About to Make Hurricane Charley look Like Hurricane Mother Teresa

Nude Walks Backwards Up Stairs g. richter

Employees' Health Care Concerns Addressed With Thousands of New Robots

Stand-Off In Najaf Ends, Iraqi Government Will Send 71 Virgins Immediately

Affidavit: "Hulk Say Sean Hannity is Goering's Bat-Faced Pomeranian"

Radioactive Stream Pollution Rapidly Evolving Muskrats in Music Industry Executives

Enron Tapes Detail Exec's $12 Million Phone Sex Call to 1-800-ShavedMen

U.S. BASKETBALL TEAM BREAKS OUT MONSTER BONG IN THIRD QUARTER

Accusations of "One-Upsman-Evilship" Fly Between Sudan and Congo

Bush: I Honked More Blow Than Any Boatload of Vietnam Guys

Saudi Scientist Nearly Discovers Clitoris

In Compromise with Feds, Martha Stewart's Taxes Will Be Cut

Impressed Judge Agrees Quantum Physicist May or May Not Have Exceeded Time on Parking Meter

Dick Cheney Seen Skipping Through Field of Daisies

Microsoft Patents Alphabet, All Products Resulting From Alphabet (c) 2004 Microsoft Corp.

6 Cheese 3-Meat Pizza Hits Floor Out of Oven, Dies of Heart Attack

In Nerd Fantasy Compromise, Liv Tyler Agrees to Pretend to Not be Married

Adorable Kittens Reportedly Sanguine About Upcoming Week

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill in Karl Rove's Email on Several Gay Porn Sites

Neo-Kierkegardian Philospher To Increase Market Penetration

St. Francis of Assisi Concerned About For-Profit Health Care Industry's Liability Exposure; Luke Decries Excessive Malpractice Awards

Walter Wants His Effin Money

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: How You Can Personally Stop Global Warming, And Why the Mink Oil Lobby Won't Tell You

Crew Craze Breaks Out in Compton

SENSELESS HIGH SCHOOL FASHION SPREE UNCOOLS 6, OUTMODES 14

EYES GLOWING RED, KARL ROVE REVEALS HIS MYSTICAL ABILITY TO CREATE ALTERNATE UNIVERSES

Homeland Security Warns Neanderthals of Possible Displacement by Cro-Magnons From Africa

Hurricane Charley Devastates Blond Right-Wing TV Bimbo Crop

Snowy but Kinky Himalayan Village Boasts Abominatrix

WALRUS STUDY BLASTS DENTAL SCHOOL INCOMPETENCE

Disquiet Waxes as Turned-Off Laptop Shows No Evidence of Weeks of Hard Work

In Quiet Moment, Middle-Aged Superman Rethinks Outfit

Pinchon, OK Public Library Reading of "Leaves of Grass" Taps Pent-Up Desire, Unleashes Clothes Shedding Bacchalinian Reverie

Crestfallen Delaware Architect Also Loses Special Boyhood Paper Clip in Particularly Large Plastic Container of Paper Clips

In Interview, A Bitter Merlin Casts Doubts on Gandalf's Service Against Sauron

Adorable Kittens Carefully Investigate Bathtub

Coming Up on Headlines: That Fed-Ex From Karachi - Is Pakistan Exporting Atomic Weapons Technology to You?

Category 4 Allegory Sweeps Over Holland

CAMPAIGN HONORS LATE RICK JAMES AT PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES WITH OPENING STATEMENT: "I'M JOHN KERRY, BITCH!"

Based on New Translations of Surveillance at Delphi, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge Warns Sparta That Xerxes May Be Headed For Thermopylae

In Wake of Hurricane's Fury, 786, 000 Floridans Left Without Marketing

SHRINK RAY USED TO MINITURIZE FBI AGENTS TO FIT SNUGLY INTO ANARCHIST DREADLOCKS

Senator Harkin Takes Dick Cheney's Hat, Tosses Back and Forth With Max Cleland

Bagdad Car Bomb Stats Decline When Explosions Reclassified as Traffic Delays

Laptop Voting Machine Cut and Paste Error Vaults Hurricane Charley to U.S. Senate

Larry the Assertive Lightbulb Refuses To Be Screwed

Evil Business Manager Proposes Office Final Solutions

Adorable Kittens Express Considerable Fascination With Paper Bag

Nic-Fixed Weasel Wheezy

Freshman Art Major Agrees to Observe Naked Woman

DOJ Clarification: Domestic Terrorism Includes Starbucks Vandalism

Can of Okra Ignored for Months

Molybdenum Voted Most Funnest Element To Pronounce

New Media Artist Pulls Video Installation Out of Ass

Ron Reagan Touts Promise of Stem Cells To Treat That People that Need New Heads

Coming Up on Headlines: Prozac, Lead, and Estrogen in Drinking Water- Why You May Be Turning into Jessica Simpson

CITY ATTACKED BY PREPOSTERASAUROUS

Comprehensive Selection of Ink Jet Cartridges Arrives

CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT RULES HAPPY, CAREFREE MARRIAGE ILLEGAL

U.S. MENS BASKETBALL TEAM DEFIANT AFTER 98-76 LOSS TO MALNOURISHED GIRL SCOUTS FROM ALBANIA

Oil Prices Reach $46, or 178 Blood Drops per Barrel

BUSH WILL REBUILD FLORIDA BY COURAGEOUSLY ISSUING SUBSTANTIAL TAX REBATES FOR WEALTHY FOREIGN INVESTORS

Delaware Socialist, 83, Veteran of Abraham Lincoln Brigade during Spanish Civil War, Outraged at 7-11 Tylenol Price

CNN, NBC, and FOX News Are Reporting that Michael Jackson, Scott Peterson, and Kobe Bryant Walked Into a Bar

GOV SCHWARTZENEGGER ANNOUNCES DREAM HE ANNOUNCED HIS RESIGNATION, STATUS AS GAY AMERICAN

Mountain Top Removal Mining Touted By Coal Industry as Effective Solution to Problem of Excess Numbers of Unsightly Mountain Tops

No Reports of Injuries as Adorable Kittens Fall Asleep Off Bookcase into Large Soft Pile of Pillows

Lonely Man Considers Acquaintance To Be Close Friend

U.S. Objects as Concerned U.S. Redeploys Excited U.S. Troops to Confused U.S.

British Man of Average Intelligence On American Vacation Appreciates Being Considered Well-Educated

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Risk Personal Injury By Putting Political Yard Sign in Rear Window

Coming Up on Headlines: The FBI in Your Socks Drawer: Why It's No Longer Just a Question of "If."

Tiny Lion Season Opens 

Terrorists Still Threatening Las Vegas, Reports Reno Chamber of Commerce

Study: Adorable Kittens Dream of Kitty Food, Yarn, Mice, Other Kittens

Biotech Futurists Describe Bright Future for Genetically Engineered Futurists

Martha Stewart Purchases Comprehensive Guidebook on Current Prison Slang

Federal Energy Regulatory Commission Approves $3 Billion Sale of Secretly Pretend Electricity Futures

Wiccan's Fumbling Attempts to Cast Curse Spell on DMV Staffer Results in Poor ID Picture Quality

Car Sold at Value

Postal Employee Tiring of Flag Stamp

Manageble Goals Revolutionary Asks Grocery Clerk About Upcoming Health Care Negotiations

University of Michigan Scientists Report Global Warming Expected to Soon Destroy Beachside Homes Owned Mostly By People Who Poo-Poo Global Warming

Atkins Cult Gains Following

U.S. DEMANDS IRAN IMMEDIATELY PRETEND TO STOP NUCLEAR WEAPONS PROGRAM

After Recovery of Detailed Arabic Scroll, Secretary Ridge Warns Constantinople of Possible Threat From Ottoman Empire

New Pill Surpresses Brain's Tendency to Reject Expensive Prescription Medication

CEO Resolves Step Up Efforts to Like People

Adorable Kittens Relax by Champagne Bottle Left Near Hot Tub

Mike Tyson Accepts $472 To Intimidate Mean 8th Grader

Disney, Microsoft Attempt to Patent Each Other

Anime Researchers Discover Human Nose

Paris Hilton Determined to Push Through Emergency UN Diplomatic Initiative in Sudan

University of Michigan Reports Planet Earth, Human Race Is Being Exploited, Destroyed So 272,000 Executives Can Be Pressured into Playing Golf

Ann Coulter Rejects "Necrotizing Fasciitus" Label

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Ignore "Do Not Pet" Sign on PetSmart Cat Adoption Cage

Dalai Lama To Embrace Material Being Long Enough to Vote Against President "Mr. Whitebread-Chowderhead"

Roughneck in Denial Appalled By Window Treatment

Patient, Patient's Accounts Suffer Hospital Seizure

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Violent Storm Attributed to Excess of Recently Identified Prozac Tainted Water

Coming Up on Headlines WEATHER: 72 and Arsony

Homeland Security Warns of Risk of Possible Attack By Booth, Raises Ford Theater Alert Level to Orange

OPEC: Oil Being Retooled for Upscale Market

PRESIDENT CALLS FOR GLOBAL EFFORT TO STOP GLOBAL GLOBING

EU Cutbacks Reduce Meter to 98 Centimeters

Washington DC Subway Restaraunt Manager Dismisses Al Qaeda Threat By Unhappy Cold Cut Trio Patron

Mike Tyson Signs $4000 Deal to Beat the Shit Out of a Chicken

University of Michigan Political Scientists ID New Species of Microscopic Voter

Teresa Heinz Kerry Terrorizes Downtown Cincinnati With Cutting Remarks

As Alabama Bans Sex Toys, Cucumber Prices Spike

Bush U.S. Moon Plan Actually NASA Re-Branding of Chinese Moon Plan

Flight to Bay Area Turned Around After Passenger Reports Ann Coulter Seen Going to Restroom

Walmart Announces To Shareholders Plan to Suck Universe Dry

In Move to Stop Terrorists Based on Previous Behavior, NY Area Strippers Will be Armed With Heat Seeking Missles

Chocolate Syrup Tanker Strikes Delicious Uncharted Ice Cream Reef

Adorable Kittens Announce Plans to Sneak Out of The House

Coming Up on Headlines: How Halliburton Ironically Fucked Itself

Have You Tried Our New Absinthe Mocha?

BUSH APPEARS IN MISSOURI WITH MUCKLES THE AARDVARK, NEW NATIONAL SECURITY MASCOT, WITH TRADEMARK "ONLY YOU CAN LICK TERRORISM"

Wild Applause as Kerry tells Bush: "And I Vow That I will Crush You As I Now Crush This Plum Tomato"

KRISPY KREME SALES FLATTEN OUT AS BOX ACCIDENTLY LEFT IN PASSENGER SEAT

Quality Foods Moves into Value-Added Gourmet Otter Pops, With Real Otter

New Infinti Coupe With Sophisticated On-Board Sensors Strongly Recommends You Start Walking

Energy Economists Warn the Only Thing With Less Gas Than the Stock Market is our Actual Gas Inventories

Abercrombie and Fitch Faces Busing Plan

9/11 Commission Blames Chad Rower, 42, Asst. Technical Analyst at DIA, for Failing in Aug 2001 to Act After Obtaining Bin Laden's ATM Card

Pfizer Shifts Research Drive From Cure for Resistent Malaria to New Boner Patch

Coming Up on Headlines: The $567 Billion Reflected in Your July Bank Balance May Belong to the Saudi Royal family

She is Not For You, Captain Kirk

Convention Shocker as John Edwards Delivers 2 Incredible Hours of Obscene, Sticky, Anatomically Unlikely Suggestions to Dick Cheney

Gov. Jeb Bush Reaffirms Florida's Principle of One Man, 3/4ths to One and 5/8ths Vote

Questioned in Scouting Incident, Ann Coulter Denies Foisting S'mores of Death

Severe Thunderstorms Seem to Hamper Coin-Operated Laundry Soap Dispenser

Sen. Obama Tapped As New James Bond

Republicans Accuse Kerry of Recklessly Seeking Presidency

In Africa Policy Shift, Teresa Heinz-Kerry Pushes War for Ketchup

Bob Novak Sells Out American Secrets to Iran For Box of Slightly Stale Cheez-Its

Adorable Kittens Use Sharp Claws to Climb Up Dick Cheney's Inner Thighs

Dell Laptop Screen Blocking View of Everything Below Sexy Overbite

GOP STRATEGISTS DEFIANTLY DECLARE "WE SHALL NOT BE DISUADED FROM MAKING SHIT UP"

Ron Reagan Gives Bill O'Reilly Vulcan Death Grip

We'd Like to Thank Goya for That Live Report

President Bush Leads Expedition Deep Into Upper Waters of the Amazon, Enters State of Deep Meditation and Consumes Poison Dart Frog Toxins to Reach a Mortal Struggle With Osama Bin Laden On the Jaguar Spirit Plane

Study Reveals Pop Country Cowboy Hats Are Actually Once Rare Life Forms Which Live Surprising Well By Sucking Out Small Amounts of Talent From Head

Kellogs Fires Exec In Frosted Arugula Misstep

Boy, 8, Shows Careless Disregard for Simple Rules Against Toying With God's Laws, Dooming Nevada

St. Francis of Assisi Flunks Evening Kickboxing Class

Adorable Kittens Employ the Retort Fuzzy

Tornado Fails to Destroy Mobile Home

Surgeons Working Around the Clock At Bethesda Naval Hospital Attempt to Separate Fraternal Twins, 32, Mostly With Childish Taunts And Imprecations Concerning Sexual Proclivities

Coming Up on Headlines: Could Your Preassembled Metal Shed Be Hiding Pakistan's Nuclear Weapons Program?

Major Initiative Undertaken Towards Development of Knowledge-Based Economy

Fats Waller Suddenly Pulls Tommy Gun From Stand-Up Piano and Totally Wastes SS Leader Himmler

Wal Mart "Health and Beauty and Preventative Dentention" Section Raises Eyebrows

Mesmerizing Bio-Chemist Unveils New Mesmerizing Spray

Frogs Deluge Fly Muffin Bakery

Dried Haggis Found in Sunken 1972 Ford Bronco Glove Compartment With Note Pinned On It Asking for Emergency Helicopter

Report: Ancients Had Discovered Secret of Avoiding Dish-Pan Hands Hundred of Years Before Jesus Cured the Wrinkle-Fingered

Cambridge University Assoc. Attacks Accreditation of University of People Reading A Lot

Man-Eating Gorilla Had Not Been Given Cupcake Allocation for Over a Month

Ingenious Hi-Tech Invention Renders Letter "Y", Semi-colon Obsolete

Clever Seattle Artist Patents Money

Insurance Company Totally Screws Man Over

Nostradamus Shocker: "I Haven't the Foggiest"

Alan Greenspan Returns "It's A Wonderful Life" Only Partly Rewound

Des Moines Opera's Experimental Version of "Die Fledermaus" is Unrealistic in Depiction of Iowa Farm Life

Coming Up on Headlines: Are Rabid Ferrets Also Massing In Your Company's Locker Room?

Image of Raphael's Mother Left Out of Big Fancy Painting

Late-Edition With Wolf Blitzer Closed Captioning Service Fired After Porn Movie Script Whimsically Substituted

Cult of "Product" Builds Brand Identity, Penetrates Market Share of the Almighty

View of Impressive Decolletage Obscured By Stack of Fair Trade Organic Coffee Cups

Adorable Kittens Fake Their Own Death For The Insurance Money

Sci Fi Channel Viewer Identifies At Least Five Ways these Dorks on the Beach Can Easily Escape the Swarm of Deadly But Still Fairly Tiny Super Ants

Tearful Bichon-Frise Retracts False Story of Adorable Kittens Insurance Death Hoax; Blames Unresolved Feelings of Jealousy, Humiliation of Plastic Neck Cone

ARIZONA SOCIALIST ON VERBAL RAMPAGE AFTER MISTAKENLY GIVEN RASPBERRY FLAVORED COFFEE

Charlie Rose, Putting Aside Standard Interview Technique With Architect Frank Gehry, Instead Spends Entire Hour Silently Sharing a Giant Ice Cream Sundae

Ben Stiller To Star in Comedy

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Company is About to be Denounced By Noam Chomsky

Administation Takes Pains to Clarify That Economic Gains From Enslavement of 2nd Graders Will Benefit All American Families Without 2nd Graders

Detailed Story of Web Server Replacement Kills 2, Injures 14

Woman in Elephant Costume Gains Popularity With Clever Use of Shop Vac

CANADA RETRACTS PROTOPLASMIC PSEUDOPOD

Highly Attractive Manhattan Woman Breaks Cross-Town Land Speed Record

University of Robots Robots Robots 0100100001111000100111110001110101010

Baptists Bag 400 African Souls with 800 Pounds of Rice

Adorable Kittens Cop a Feel

Coming Up on Headlines: Our Expert Tells You Everything You Want to Believe

Klingons Identify Tin-plated, Overbearing,
Swaggering Dictator with Delusions of Godhood

HMO Refuses To Cover Imbalance of Black and Yellow Humors

PENTAGON EXPLAINS RUMSFELD HAS BEEN BUSY BETA-TESTING HALF LIFE 2

Bush Vaunts Successful Protection of U.S. From Threat of Northern Invasion

Adminstration Plans to Improve National Forests in Eastern Washington By Dropping Tons of Burning Radioactive Liquid Mecury

Courtney Love Suddenly Explodes - Resulting Shards Are Swept Up and Arrested For
Assault, Possession of Cocaine, and Multiple Outstanding Warrant Violations

Terrorists Strike America's Health Care System, Throwing 50 Million Americans Off Insurance Rolls, and
Thousands into Premature Deaths (Correction: "Investors" -Ed.)

Wildfires Spread Across the Dancefloor, People Shake It Like They Don't Care No More

US 3rd Army Armored Division Moves Into Medford, Oregon in Attempt to Dislodge Heavily Entrenched WalMart

Terrorist Late for Istanbul Meeting But Bake-Sale Brownies Looked Scrumptious

University of Michigan Robot Scientists Reveal That the Flesh is Weak

All Species Removed From Endangered List; Problem Solved

Promise of Attractive Strip-Mall Design Falls Short of Expectations

Adorable Kittens Appear Shaken, Haunted by the Past

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Write "Union Now!" On Dollar Bill Before Putting Into the Starbucks Tip Jar

Coming Up on Headlines: The Scourge of Floraphilla - How Much Do You Really Know About Your Gardener?

Massive Warm Dark Field Threatened By Emerging Gaseous Implication of Dynamic Spiritual Balance

7.4 EARTHQUAKE STRIKES COURTNEY LOVE

WOMAN, 23, ABLY MATCHES SOCKS WITH TASTELESS PLASTIC LAVENDER JEWELRY

JEWEL PITCHES JEWRY

U.S., RUSSIAN INTERCONTINENTAL BALLASTIC MISSILE SYSTEMS RECEIVE VAST CLOWN UPGRADE TO NOX-BASED MULTIPLE-REENTRY TARGET WHIPPED CREAM DISPENSERS

New Mom's Husband Inwardly Proud of New Baby And Wife's Magically Engorged Breasts

SENATE DEMS INTRODUCE HOPEFUL CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT TO BAN SAD MARRIAGE

Seattle Native Warmly Welcomes Stranger

Adorable Kittens Vent Rage on Deep Pile Carpet Sample

Attractive Woman in Cafe is Indifferent to Implied but Unspoken Offer to Sit and Enjoy a Free Cappucino

Coming Up on Headlines: Have You Been Victimized by Sweet-Talkin' Termites with Promises of Maintenance-Free Siding?

MARAT WHACKED

WHALE GYNECOLOGIST DISAPPEARS

TOP AL QAEDA LEADER TURNS IN SELF, RESPONDING TO SAUDI AMNESTY, SHIATSU MASSAGE, & FOOD COURT COUPON OFFER

REPORT: CIA FAULTED FOR 2001 BUSH PRETZEL-CHOKING INCIDENT

HOMELAND SECURITY TO POSTPONE ELECTION IN CASE OF TERRORISTIC ACTION, DEFINED AS SUDDEN INVOLUNTARY CHANGE OF U.S. GOVERNMENT

DICK CHENEY GROSSLY UNDERTIPS PAPER BOY, BERATING THAT EVEN A BASICALLY COMPETENT BOY WOULD HAVE THE PAPER THERE EACH AND EVERY DAY BY 4 AM

Courtney Love, Who, on the Lam in New York Drinks 2 Bottles of Goldschlagger and Shoots a Couple of Speedballs Before Stealing Ferrari, Running Over a Clutch of Nuns and Two Boy Scouts in An Attempted Escape As She Crashes It Into Liquid Oxygen Truck Which Explodes and Collapses a Large Section of the Guggenheim, Destroying $340 Million worth of Artwork and Totally Wiping Out a Cotton Candy Stand, And Staggers Down the Street, When She Suddenly Grabs Mayor Bloomberg's Crotch, Then Punches Him Out, Before Passing Out On the Top of the Escalators in Radio City Music Hall, Tumbling Down and Wiping Out Norah Jones Before Vomiting on the Year Old Quintuplets Who Were to Appear On the TODAY Show, Is Arrested

President Abraham Lincoln's Ghost Bitch-Slaps Ann Coulter

Marketing Manager Really Believes in the Product

Necessity for Fancy Raspberry Red Paint Job on New Navy Flying Attack Submarine Questioned

Local Girl Riled Up

ENTIRE U.S. AIRCRAFT CARRIER ABRAHAM LINCOLN BATTLE GROUP SURPRISED AND TAKEN BY GHOST PIRATES OFF THE MYSTERIOUS ISLE OF WOE

PENTAGON BLAMES OCCUPATION DIFFICULTIES ON INEXPERIENCED IRAQI GOVERNMENT

RECURRENT DEADLY EXPLOSIONS SEEN AS NECESSARY STEP FORWARD IN PEACE PROCESS

Alcoholic Alligator Pulled Over Outside Baton Rouge for Driving While Drunk and Cold-Blooded; Tests at .12 and 82 Degrees

A Glowering Dick Cheney Flatly Refuses to Pay Late Fees on "Like Water for Chocolate" When He Never Even Got Around to Watching It

Sadaam Refusing to Eat American Lima Beans

Bush's Frequent Toga Wearing Looking Less and Less Like Frat Nostalgia

Chinese Government Strikes Courageous Blow for The Human Right of Staying In Power Longer

Myrtle the Lesbian Polar Bear is Dissuaded From Releasing Album of Humorous Seal Meat Folk Songs

Rural Young Adults Leaving Family Farm America for Hot Urban Centers Where it Smells Better

Unmanageable Cannibal Mandibles Mishandle Edibile Candles

Supercolliding Superconductor Launches Superfunk Mothership

GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 BALKS AT $3.25 FOR ORANGE JUICE AT DENNY'S

Coming Up on Headlines: Why No One Is Safe From Comcast Broadband Special Offer

Ashcroft Orders Emergency Deployment of Special Ops FBI Anti-Naked Task Force Delta

John Kerry Already Forced to Clarify That John Edwards is Running Mate

Ann Coulter Reportedly Forcing Cute, Endangered Koala Bears Into Unnatural Sex Acts With Other Neo-Fascist She-Males

Was It Liv Tyler Obscured Behind That Passing 1967 Mustard Yellow Ford Econoline Van?

Chickens Org. Will Seek Significant Reparations

Plato, Neo-Con of Athens, Sucks Up to Pericles To Cover Up Spartaphilia

Austria Apologizes For Peristent Inability to Distribute the Wonder of Viennese Pastry To Everyone All Over The World

Mookie the Phelmgy Drum Majorette Hocks a Solid Green One 42 Meters

Nike Business Model Eliminates Shoe Production - Institutes Service Wherby Consumers Pay a Monthly Fee To Be Culturally Associated With Sports Figures in Their Own Mind

Adorable Kittens Fingered As Cause of Wicker Basket of Yarn Fiasco

Restaraunt Featuring Provencal Style with a Bit of Northwest Fusion Forced To Add Pull-Tabs

Coming Up on Headlines: Your Mailman's GrowingSchadenfreude

Woman Frolicking Nude in the Park Attacked By Swarm of Horrible Flying Babies

BRANDO: "I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER, INSTEAD OF DEAD WHICH IS WHAT I AM"

KERRY IN VEEP SEARCH REPORTEDLY COURTING OZZY OSBOUNE, TOM DASCHLE, CARROT-TOP

Schwartzeneger Outsourcing Much Government Work to Vienna

New BMW Convertible Comes With Special Button Which Audibly Mocks the Middle Class

A Ferocious Anchorage-Area Grizzly Bear Receives Excellent Credit Rating Qualifying Him for Special 0% Interest Deal on Balance Transfers until July 2005

Radical Atkins Cell Crushes Twinkie Plant With D-9 Cat

Tori Spelling Cures Leukemia

Fox News Editor Catches An Actual Fact Moments Before It is Accidently Reported

Ann Coulter's Orders Random Executions of Her Child Sex Slave Workers Who Were Attempting to Organize a Union

Whoever Stole My Wallet At the Fireworks Show is Thoroughly Un-American

Encouraged By New Stability, Monderant Industries Opens New TNT, Ammunition, Aviation Fuel Factory and Uranium Ore Processing Plant In Fallujah

Adorable Kittens Appear Thoroughly Worn Out

A Murder of Crows Begins Singing "Look At Me..."

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill Out False Information on Grocery Store Discount Card

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Sudanese Militias May Be Looking For You

Man Surprises Self With Growing Interest in Accordian Music

HUBBLE DISCOVERS 100 NEW PLANETS WITH PRACTICALLY UNLIMITED MARKETING OPPORTUNITIES

University of Michigan Scientists Announce Exhaustive Multidisciplinary Study Results: Generally Speaking, Things Aren't Great and Might Be Getting Considerably Worse, But, You Know, Not So Bad for a Lot of People at the Moment, Although Things Suck Something Awful In Quite a Few Places Already

SADAAM FINED 45O DINARS, SENTENCED TO 15.6 MILLION HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE, AND RELEASED ON OWN RECOGNIZANCE

Commercial Campaign Falsely Implies People Are Amused and Delighted By Printer Cartridge

Fuzzy Baby Bunnies Take on Kittens in National Adorable-Off; Bunnies Eaten

Ann Coulter Begins Charging Her Enslaved Child Sex Workers Outrageous Roaming Fees

FCC Institutes Massive Indecency Fines; "Indecency" defined as "Hurtful, Personal Criticism of FCC"

MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS HISTORICAL REVISIONISM

A Colorado Crowd Gathers Into Free Speech Zone Set in Atlanta to Protest Bush Speech in Denver at Noon Three Weeks Ago

IRAQ ALL BETTER NOW

Marketing Exec Misleads Self

SADAAM TO PLAY HIMSELF IN LAW AND ORDER ARRAIGNMENT

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Lacks Sufficient Quarters for Laundry; Too Embarassed to Ask Girl in Sparkly Heart Tee

It is Reported That a Mr. Larry Smogien of LaCross, WI, is Satisfied With His Cable Service

International Golf Cabal Orders U.S. Air Force Napalming of Arctic Taiga

CIA Implanting Roving Wiretaps in Breast Implants

Adorable Kittens Visit Merciless Death From Above on Passing Spider

Surprise Supreme Court Intervention Picks Replacement Illinois GOP Senate Nominee

"LOGIC INDICATES SHE IS NOT 'ALL THAT'" Mullet-Sporting Vulcans Sound Off on Springer Over Green Orion Slave Girl

PRIME RATE SPIKES UP; CHENEY HAD CUSSED OUT GREENSPAN

Family Dog Would Like to Be Fed

Mysterious Epidemic of Companion Rodent Ennui Pushes Hamster Amphetamine Production Into Triple Shifts

Human Brain Reaches Jingle Capacity

Whiffles The US 101st Airbornne Interrogation Clown Getting Results With Sodium Pentathol and Laser Whoppee Cushion

FCC Rules Documentaries Illegal Unless Clearly Mockumentaries

A Small But Growing Number of Entry and Mid-Level Marketing Executives Quietly Begin Worshipping 'Product'

Concern in Rural New Mexico as Farmer Lars Does Not Remember Leaving This Particular Uranium Sorter Outside the Tool Shed

Clams, Already Not Happy Over Foreign Policy, Began Slow, Squishy March on Washington

A Celebrity First: Jeri Ryan Advances Interests of the Democratic Party By Refusing To Attend Sex Party

Iraq Continues to Be Beset by Hundreds of Thousands of Faithful Muslims

Radical Atkins Cell Blows Up Grape Nuts Plant; Resulting Crunch Collapses Apartment Complex, Injures Dozens

Mother Earth Balling Her Pathetic Hippie Eyes Out

Christianne Amanpour Reports On Adorable Jewish Kitten Nursed to Health By Lebanese Golden Retriever

Iran Got Uranium Enricher off Axis of Evil-Bay

Britney Spears To Marry Herself For Legal Reasons

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Light Automatic Weapons Fire, Some RPGS in the Early evening. Outlook for Sunday: Don't Forget Your Body Armor!

Tour Group Sends Urgent Request for A New Translator

Kerry Picks Collin Powell as V.P. PSYCH!!

Lemmings Again Begin Traditional 7 Year Run on Fairbanks Rexall for Prozac

BBC News Admits Long-Term Deception; Will Cease Fakey "British" Accent

17 Year Ciccada Disappointed to Have Wait Another Four Years to Buy Beer

GOLF CULT MOWS SASKATCHEWAN

Drug Company Much Too Shy, Modest to Take Credit for Marketing Government Researched Drugs That Save Lives

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Loses Bouyancy, Sinks: Wicked Migraine

Newark Pugs Rough Up Yorkshire Terrier

Environmental Report: Frankly, You Don't Want to Know, But You Should Probably Be Cutting Down on Your Intake of Atmospheric Oxygen


International Math Panic as X=X Disproven

Phillipine Methodist Church Music Appreciation Function Prepares to Welcome Rocker Phil Collins

IRAN SEIZES BRITISH PATROL BOATS: Thought They Had Candy :<


Belgium Unveils 47mil Euro Plan to Stuff Yet Another Small Country Such as Burkina Faso Between It and France

1998 Meeting In Prague Between Iraq Intelligence Agent and Al Qaeda Operative Was Actually Fairly Egregious Lonely Terrorists Chat Room Misunderstanding

Clinton Reveals Early Driving Ambition To Become Governor of Donuts

On Tonight's INSIDE AMERICA SPECIAL REPORT: Where Did I Just Leave the Bowl of Barbeque Chips?

Popular Indian Radio Show Features Amusing Situations Where Audience Members Call in and Take Turns Confusing and Frustrating American PC Owners

Adorable Kittens Adamantly Refuse to Leave Comfy Blanket

Artist John Mendoza in a Final Happy Moment Before Time Critic Robert Hughes Happened By With Hilarious,Soul-Crushing Aside

News Editor Leads With Smaller But Slightly More Ironic Explosion

Rules Relaxed: First Car on Ferry Will Now Be Permitted to Pretend to Drive Ferry

Supreme Court Ruling Allowing Police to Demand Identity Makes Narrow Exception for Philosophy Majors

Army Will Give Abused Iraqi Prisoners All-Day Water Slide Passes

Ann Coulter Continues to Deny Completely Baseless, Entirely Conjectural Allegations of Manhattan Child Indentured Domestic Servitude Trade as well as False and Spurious Reports of Masturbating to Official Portraits of Bill and Hilary Clinton

Spain Files $534 Trillion Suit in Dade County for Return of North America

Al Qaeda Inflitration of Danish Olympic Synchronized Swimming Team Not Particularly Successful

Mood Induced by Casual Contemplation of Basement May Require Months of Counseling

ALASKA GOVERNOR MURKOWSKI VOWS TO CRUSH THE YUKON

Thelma Removes Spooky Sadaam Mask, Revealing Paul Wolfowitz To Scooby and The Gang; Explains that Weapons of Mass Destruction Were Just Scary Rumors For Frightening Everyone Into Supporting American Military Domination of the Middle East

Bill Clinton Memoir Comes With Racy Trip-Hop Soundtrack

Giant 35 Mile Long Green "HUMID" Letters Floating Over New Orleans

WWII Continues for 17th Straight Year on the History Channel

Adorable Kitten Catastrophically Misjudges Distance to Jump On Table; Does Best to Simply Move On

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Falls Off Atkins Regimen With Tempting Real New York Cheesecake

Rumsfeld Vows To End Violent Intimidation of Iraqi People, Moves Immediately to Tahiti

National Association of Teachers of English Vote to Remove Use of Word "Freedom" Privileges from John Ashcroft

University of Michigan Scientists Determine That Large Research Grants to Major Midwestern Universities Greatly Increase Male Potency

Hummer Driver Stopped in Gridlock is Overcome by Other Drivers Needing Extreme Emergency Restroom

Coming Up on Headlines: Wolfowitz Curses Meddling Kids

Adorable Kittens Struck Speechless as They Watch 9/11 Commissioners Report No Ties Between Sadaam and Al Qaeda

University of Michigan Scientists Make Critical, Breakthrough Discovery Which They Say Is Much Too Depressing for Them to Publish

France Moves to Combat Joie de Vie

PLATO TOLD TO 'GO BACK TO SPARTA'

Utterly Baseless Allegations of Glue-Sniffing, Meth-Smoking Pedophilia Porn Fraud Begin to Haunt Ann Coulter

BREAKING NEWS: QUALITY WATERBEDS ARE NOT AVAILABLE AT NEVER-BEFORE LOW PRICES

Even the Dog Is Grossed Out By This Particular Tennis Ball

15 Year Old Born-Again Girl Elated, Disturbed By Vision of Jesus Rising From The Waters Wearing a Speedo

Massive Oklahoma T-Storms, Tornadoes, Flooding Force Dan Portsmith to Take I-60 to His Asst. Mgr. Job at Blockbuster Instead of the More Scenic Hwy 12

Abandoned Mystery Office Just Contains 80's Era Beige Office Phones and an Dusty Box of Order Forms

Birds Condemn Cats In No Uncertain Terms

Walter Would Like His Hat Back Now

Sailor Suddenly Remembers Where He Left The Car Keys

CIA Reports Decrease In Quality of Intelligence Gained From Radio Monitoring of Brains of Paranoids

LYNCHPIN SNAPS - REPORTED METAPHORICAL, NO INJURIES

Superannuated Ford Excutive Recalls 78,000 Model As

Reforms Proposed By Administration Would Remove Burdensome Regulations Against Businesses' Billing Customers Without Providing Services

Eggplant Surprise More of A Shock

Professor Lets Failing Art Student Slide on Suspicion He Might Be the Next Hitler


Key Harrisburg, PA Events Fail To Meet Standards for National News Coverage

Adorable Kittens Too Tired to Help Clean Up

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Loosen Country Club's Salt Shaker Caps

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Local School May Forced to Hire Dozens of Arsonists

John Kerry Sits for a Portrait By Velasquez; Advised to Ditch Moustache

U.N. APPROVES U.S. IRAQ PLAN: IRAQI CITIZENS WILL RECEIVE COMMEMORATIVE SHREK II AM RADIO WITH EVERY HAPPY MEAL PURCHASE OF $6 OR MORE

President Was Originally To Join Father on Parachute Jump; Secret Service Nixed Plan After Recalling Disaster Averted in 1978 By the Fortuitous Presence of the Texas Giant Haystack Fair

Huge Reagan Likeness To Be Carved Into Greenland Icewall for the Thoughtful Contemplation of His Frozen Cro-Magnon Contemporaries

Israel Refuses to Pay Palestinian Boys $5 million in Gaza Newspaper Delivery Fees

Headline Writer Seeks Professional Position As Presidential Insultant

Hummer Driver Surprised To Be Run Over by Cement Mixer

U.S. Attempts to Cool Deteriorating Situation Outside of Kabul With New "Afghan Warlord Fantasy IV" For GameCube

American Airlines Touts Flexibility of All Flights Cancelled Policy

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill Out Hundreds of Gay Porn Magazine Subscriptions in the Name of John Ashcroft

Robot Scientists at University of Robots Are Taken Aback When Adorable Kittens Sit on Robot Head

Already Stressed by 4th Identical American Airlines Sandwich in a Row, Giant Floating Brain From Nebular 7 Unable to Buckle Seat Belt Properly

Monica Lewinsky Finally Buys Hummer

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Whatever it is, Your Flight is Cancelled

Golf Test Program Reduces TV Casualties From Lethal Boredom

Administration Addresses Deficit with Plucky Sleuthing That Will Unlock the Secret to the Ghost Pirate's Treasure

Reagan to Appear on $14 Bill, Hailed as $5 Better than a $9 Bill (-apologies to the great Walt Kelly)

Outrageous Enron Tapes Inspire Republican Calls For suppression of Enron Tapes

Outrageous Torture Memos Inspire Republican Calls for Suppression of Torture Memos

West Village Virus Symptoms Include Lethargy, Affected Indifference, and Recurring Prada Account

Ann Coulter Takes It All Off For Playgirl

Outrageous Kama Sutra Positions Inspire Republican Calls for Suppression of Positions and Printing of Extra Copies

Adorable Kittens Maintain Determined Vigilance on Window Sill

Traffic Light Misjudgment by Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Leaves Buick Stuck in Mid-Intersection

Scientist To Correct Widespread Public Misperception With Nifty Poster

REAGAN LEGACY CELEBRATED AS SIGNIFICANT REDUCTION IN FELONY INDICTMENTS OVER NIXON ADMINISTRATION

Creationists Admit Jesus Fish Car Sticker Evolution

Dancing Banned in Wasilla, AK: Not Immoral, Just of Very Poor Quality

Fire Used As Opportunity to Fire Firefighters

Congoans Politely Thank U.S. For 2000 Ton Shipment of Bubble Gum Tape

It is Revealed that Britany Spears' Speaking Voice Also Goes Out When Electricity's Off

Copyright Infringement: Bats Sue Wombats, Batman, Former Nation of Batvia

Markets Near Collapse as Property Manager Caves on Faucet Repair

Trace Environmental Litigants Threaten Endangered Legal Eagle

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Interoffice Tornadoes

REAGAN PASSES AWAY AT 237

EMBARASSMENT AT NORMANDY COMMEMORATION AS BUSH CONTINUALLY REFERS TO "THEE" DAY

Republicans Work to Replace Roosevelt on Dime - New 10 Cent Piece Will Feature Teddy Ruxpin

Club Yachtsman Predicts Strong Off-Shore Cash Flow

President Vows to Re-Unite Europe and America With Vigorous Program to Reduce Continental Drift

Rigorous Rationalization of Bride's Maid Dress Selection to Be Published in Physics Review

Catholic University Squleches Academic Freedom- Nixes Course Hot-To-Trot 257

Conservative Undergraduate Protests C+ In Intermediate Sculpture

POPE MEETS DOPE

TENET FINALLY ABLE TO PURSUE CAREER IN INTERPRETIVE DANCE

Bush At Vatican: "Looks Like Some Graffiti Guy Got Your Ceiling."

GODZILLA SIZED MONSTER DEER STOPS IN SEARCHLIGHTS BEFORE SCAMPERING OVER CHICAGO

Political Cartoonist Tires of Drawing Large Sacks of Money

S.F. Dognappers Had Stubbornly Refused to Let the Dogs Out

Dick Cheney Repeatedly Dive-Bombed By Cheap Toupee

Mayor Bloomberg Declares War on 3rd Graders

DOW GAINS ON REPORTS OF WAL MART MURDERING EMPLOYEES

Bush Asks Aide: "What Are all These French People Doing in Normandy?"

New Presidential Nominee To Address Libertarian Party Convention

PRESIDENT ARRIVES IN ROME - EXPRESSES DELIGHT AT MEETING REAL ROMANIANS

TENET RESIGNS; AGENT SMART FINALLY TAKES REIGNS

Traffic Judge Becomes Violently Self-Effacing, Suspends Own License

WAL MART Declares War on Poverty - Begins Shooting Employees

Mr. Thatcher P. Thistwhistle, of Thurston County, is Appalled by Poor English Pronounciation by Visiting Parisians

IN ADDRESS TO NATION, PASTRAMI ON RYE DECLAIMS "CRISIS OF SUBSTANDARD AMERICAN POTATO SALAD"

Rush Limbaugh Rejects Comparison to The Hindenberg: Was a German Passenger Airship and a Bloated Fascist Bag of Gas That Could Explode at Any Moment

Tenet Admits CIA Just Got Most of It's Facts Off the Internet

Coming Up on Headlines: Why an Older Man in Grey Tweed May Come By the House to Explain Everything You've Done Wrong

PENTAGON BACKS CHALABI ASSOCIATE

SNOOP DOG CHOKES ON SWIZZLE STICK- SAVED BY GOOD SAMIZZLETAN

PERSISTENT BUT FRUSTRATED, GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 TRIES, FAILS AGAIN TO GO UP RUSSIAN HILL

UNAUTHORIZED MIXING OF HUMAN GENE-SPLICED CORN SUSPECTED AS BUTTERED COB STARTS TALKING TRASH

AK 47 Modified to Fire Lozenges Relieves Thousands of Congoans' Sore Throats

Seattle Mariners Try Running Away

Bush Faces Stupidity Charges the Wrong Way

Adorable Kittens Deny Falling Into Aquarium

Growth Spurt Expands 'Little Italy'- Now 'Modest Italy'

Coming Up on Headlines Weather for the U.S. West Coast: Wind Passing Through Tacoma May Stink Up the Whole Place

COALITION OF THE WILLING

BUSH SEEKS HELP IN IRAQ FROM INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES

AL GORE FINDS MANHOOD; LEFT IN DODGE MINIVAN GLOVE COMPARTMENT IN 1995

RURAL IDAHO MAN HIJACKS DETROIT MONORAIL

Iraq Governing Council Dissolves Easily in Hot Water

DESCENDENT OF VLADMIR KOLKOV ENDS WALKING TOUR OF RUSSIA BEGUN ON A DARE IN 1627

ANGRY SLICE OF MARIONBERRY PIE FINGERS ABUSIVE DINER IN MOB PROBE

Massive Discount Retail Building Fire Enhances Suburban Phoenix

FASHION COMMUNITY SELECTS VERY, VERY BLACK AS THE NEW BLACK

Adorable Kittens Concerned By Remote Controlled Car

LEONARDO DA VINCI DECLINES INVITATION FROM FUTURE FOR DINNER WITH JOHN BELUSHI, MARILYN MONROE AND CHARLEMAGNE

Financial Services Company Happy to Accept Money

PRISON TORTURE COMMUNITY IN FIERCE DEBATE OVER ABU GHRAIB

Sharon Withdraws From Gaza to Dade County

BUSH SURPRISES DOMINICANS WITH ATTEMPT TO COURT HISPANIC VOTE BY VISITING HISPANIOLA

EPA Proposes Easing Gas Shortage By Subsidizing 4 ton Hummer Riding Mowers

Tampa Goalie Shot By Own Forwards

STUDY: OKAY, THIS KIND OF DANCING MAY ACTUALLY BE ILLEGAL

Burt Reynolds' Moustache Enters Smithsonian

Stocks go Down On Heated Promise Of Reciprocation

Girl at Club Who Keeps Insisting On How Wild She is Seems to Be Refering to Lack of Renter's Insurance

INTRODUCTION OF LOW-CARB DONUT RISKS CIVIL WAR

University of Michigan Study: What Happens in Vegas Stays Mundane And Depressing

Coming Up on Headlines: Why You May Have Accidently Transferred Your 2001 Taxes to a Mrs. Gibbons of Brisbane, Australia

SURPRISE MOVE BY IRAQ COUNCIL TAPS BEN AFFLECK FOR P.M.

Aardvark Sick of Ants; Will Seek Cheesecake

Tonight Alone, Thousands of Late-Night Meal Orders Expected to Be Served With Insufficient Ketchup Packets

ACTOR PLAYING GERMAN AIRMAN EXPRESSES CONCERN OVER PRETEND SPITFIRES

Dick Cheney Signs Onto Everquest Server as GothPrincess47

Awkward Teenager Badly Mishandles Boob Touching Opportunity

101st Airborne Requisites More Sherbet

Leading Buddhist Scholars Order Exhaustive Karmatic Analysis of Hugh Hefner

Study: President's Falling Approval Numbers Making A Sound Comparable to Occassions in Which Wile E. Coyote is Suddenly Handed an Anvil

Iraq Situation Disexplained

Phone Description of Fingerprints Leads FBI To Round Up Tulsa Choc-O-Licious Baking Guild

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Still Unable to Fully Trust E-Ticket Check-In

Plot of "Lord of the Rings" is Re-re-explained to George Bush

Radical Free Ferret Force Frees 5000 Ferrets; Freed Ferrets Ferociously Frolicking Frightens Fifteen Parrots

Gum Industry Lobbyists Move Congress to Declare "Underside of Cafeteria Tables" Week

New York Times Solemnly Regrets Total Butt-Fucking Asslick Reports On Iraq

Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Many Special Sides of You Are All Dangerously Legally Exposed

IN MAJOR SPEECH POLICY SHIFT, BUSH WILL INCREASE PAUSE AFTER WORD "FREEDOM" TO A FULL TWO MINUTES

France: "You Call that Begging?"

AMERICA UPS OIL ANTE; OFFERS SAUDIS 50,000 METRIC TONS OF USED VCRS

Kittens' Publicist Attempts to Shake Off "Adorable" Label

MAJOR SHIPPING ERROR AT KRUGER FOODS FILLS L.A. GROCERY STORES EXCLUSIVELY WITH CLAMMATO

Dallas Celebrates Opening of New Public Pudding Utility

WALMART COUNTING ON U.S. PAY INCREASES TO IMPROVE SALES (Real Story-NPR)

Keanu Reeves Uncovers Mysterious Virtual Reality Where He Can Act

HERITAGE FOUNDATION STUDY DEMONSTRATES THAT AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE IS MAKING AMERICAN WORKERS "SOFT"

Terrorists Plan Summer Attack But Run Into Difficulty With Chinese Take-Out Order

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Sprinkles of Terror

ASHCROFT CALLS CONSTITUTION TOO LONG AND BORING; WILL BE REPLACED BY "CLIFF'S RIGHTS"

CONGRESS PROPOSES STEEP NEW TAX ON NOT MAKING MONEY

BOLD NEW PLAN: U.S. Unveils Iraq Presidency Powerball

Jobs Plan, Foresty Reforms Free Central Park for Logging

Ad Agency Asst. Director Gets Down on Knees and Pitifully Begs Major Client to Not Use Bachman Turner Overdrives's "Takin' Care of Business'


Documents Reveal Halliburton Owns Virginia

Ann Coulter Attempts to Annex Sudatenland

Cute Puppy Attracting Attention Thwarts Plan to Slyly Check Out Particularly Fine Booty

George F. Will Admits Latent Hippiness

Cat Shows Adorable Kitten What's What

U.S. Launches Preemptive Air Strike Against Michael Eisner

U.N. URGES BAGDAD LEASH LAW

Pentagon City Mall Sales of Mega-Hydroxy Ass-Covering Cream Skyrocket

Botched Suicide with Potato Gun Merely Results in Home Fries

Arctic Researcher Craving Hot Tang

Taking a Page From the Israeli Playbook, Seattle Will Improve Relations Outside of King County by Bulldozing Certain Areas of Tacoma

Small Bird Convinces Adorable Kittens that It is Terribly Dangerous

Sonia Ghandi Also Turns Down Pre-Approved $15,000 Credit Offer

Bush Praises Pricey Gas

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Serial Killer Frost Gunning for Innocent Young Cherry Tomatoes

SYRIA DEMANDS RETURN OF THOUSANDS OF LAWNMOWERS, MILLIONS OF CORDLESS DRILLS BORROWED BY SADAAM IN 1994

Letter Addressed to VP Cheney Found in Capitol Hill Restroom is Signed "Your Loving Bitch, Justice Scalia"

Retracted Denial Refutation Repudiated

University of Michigan Study: South Simply Will Not Rise

Ohio Child PI Suspects City of Cleveland Has Been Hiding Extra Candy in Pretend Garbage Trucks

Boeing Announces New Airliners Will Be Built By Airbus: Meanwhile, Airbus Will Take Over Government Bribery Responsibilities

Courtney Love Sobers Up Enough to Meet, Slap Pope

50 Cent Shut Down By Eldery Lutheran Thrift Store Docent

NY Traffic Magistrate Orders OVERSIZE LOAD Cars to Lead and Follow Donald Trump

Lugubrious Hamster Attempts Suicide By Walking Hamster Ball to Bowling Alley

Coming Up on Headlines: What Sex Can Do for Your Portfolio

VILLAS, VINEYARDS RISE ACROSS SUBCONTINENT AS SONIA GHANDI INSTITUTES RADICAL PROGRAM OF TUSCANIZATION

Bush Forgives Rummy and It's Hugs All Around at Rose Garden

Police, Firefighters Slash Libraries

In Today's MY TURN: WHY WE MUST ALL STAND BEHIND MY DAFT MONEY-MAKING SCHEME

Country Pop Song Briefly Ameliorates Joyless Existence of Spokane Truck Stop Clerk

Of All the Gin Joints in All the Towns in All The World, I Had to Break My Arm Slipping in My Own Vomit in This One

Merganzer Gooses Schwartzenegger

Tacoma Wisely Changes All Policies

New Fascist Order Will Offer Wide Range of Approved Color Schemes

Adorable Kittens Unable to Resist The Call of the Yarn

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Ordinary Bathroom Soap May Be Harboring Bacteria Sympathetic to Cuba

DONNING TOP HAT AND CAPE, RUMSFELD LEAPS ABOARD ESCAPE DIRIGIBLE

Local Car Dealership Badly Bungles "Sweet Home Alabama"-like Sales Jingle

NBC PLUMB OUT OF SHOWS

Harking Back to More Popular Times, U.S. Army Restages 1943 Invasion of Sicily

Front Seat Novelty Air Bags Are Pink and Feature a Big Nipple

WOLFOWITZ INSISTS ON $25 BILLION CHECK MADE OUT TO "CASH"

DOW'S NEW ANIMAL METAPHOR: A "DUGONG" MARKET MEANS FAT AND HAPPY UNTIL RUN OVER BY CONTAINER SHIPS

GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 STOOD UP FOR INTERNET COFFEE DATE

Christiane Amanpour Blows the Lid off Georgia Girl Scouts Human Rights Abuses

Adorable Kittens Peer Out Window at Reflection in Window

Ann Coulter Reports Frustration at Inability to Suck Her Own Manhood

Oversmoking Weasel Wheezy

RUMSFELD DEFENDS ACTIONS: "I WAS JUST GIVING ORDERS" (Props to: Dr. X)

VH1's Show of Minor Celebrities Recalling Old, Poor Quality TV Programs Noticeably Increasing Suicide Hotline Calls

New Fascist Order To Offer 30 Day Money-Back Guarantee

Coming Up on Headlines: Is the Mob Buying Up Your Student Loans?