Friday, June 27, 2008

JOHN MCCAIN WASTES AFTERNOON LOOKING FOR HANDCRANK TO START BUS


ADORABLE KITTENS STRESS ADORABILITY


CONCERNS EXPRESSED AS HILLARY CLINTON NOW TOSSES BACK AVERAGE 15 SHOTS A DAY


ONION WRITERS' ATTEMPT TO SEND MOTHER'S DAY CARD HOBBLED BY IRONIC SUBTEXT


PFIZER RELEASES "BRANDUMAXOL", WHICH TREATS DEBILITATING ADDICTION TO PURCHASING DRUGS FROM GLAXXO-SMITH-KLEIN


PSYCHIATRIC SAVINGS MULTIPLY AS ROBOTS AUTOMATE JUNGIAN ANALYSIS


POPULAR BAND RESISTS SELLING OUT FOR FOUR DAYS


GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING


SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET


HOUSE SOLD FOR SONG: CELINE DION HIRED TO NOT SHUT UP UNTIL CLOSING



IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE RULING JUNTA OF MYANMAR : "WE WILL FIGHT FOREIGN INTERFERENCE IN OUR PEOPLES' RIGHT TO DIE OF DYSENTERY"

JOHN MCCAIN FORCED TO DENY ADULTERY WITH GEORGIA WOMAN SPY DURING BATTLE OF ANTIETAM


DIESEL ROBOTS TO SAVE FUEL BY ARM-SHARING


BUSH CAUGHT IN LINCOLN BEDROOM TRYING TO APPROVE HIMSELF


UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE 147 MILLION U.S. MAN-HOURS WASTED EACH SUMMER BY WATCHING OF GIRLS STRETCHING


ADORABLE KITTENS FACE CHALLENGE WITHDRAWING FROM PAPER SACK


FACING MELTING, POLAR BEARS' LAWYER MAKES ATTEMPT TO PURCHASE CRUISE SHIP


BILL GATES RETIRING TO CATCH UP ON "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"


MODEST PRICE ADVANTAGE AS NEW HONDA RUNS ON MILK


SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET




IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE WALL STREET : "IN THIS DIFFICULT CLIMATE, WHO WILL LOOK OUT FOR LARGE OIL COMPANIES?"