Friday, January 30, 2004

BUSH: WHAT ARE FACTS?

LORD REPORT ON BBC REPORT REPORTS SEXED-UP REPORT REPORT WAS SEXED-UP

Afternoon Napping In Sun Tuckers Out Adorable Kittens

TONY BLAIR ALSO DEMANDS TO BE SEXED-UP

Powerful New Laptop Gives Improved Illusion of Doing Things

UNDER NASA PRESSURE, MARS ROVER A.I. SYSTEM REPORTEDLY SEXES UP ROCK REPORTS

Lynnwood WA Office Max Manager Disappointed by Quarterly Disposable Mechanical Pencil Sales

LADY MACBETH UNSEXED-UP

Amazing Wireless Computer System Allows $1500 Portable Metal/Plastic Item To Play Music

SEXED UP FAKE HEADLINES BLOG BLASTED AS DESPERATE

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Superglue Locks at Best Buy

SEX ITSELF SEXED-UP

Thursday, January 29, 2004

WHITE HOUSE REPORTS THAT WHEN BUSH SAID "IRAQ'S WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION" REPEATEDLY, EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR, HE ACTUALLY MEANT "GAY SOCCER-PLAYING ELEPHANTS"

LONELY MAN IN BENTON, OKLAHOMA HONKY TONK, SITTING ALONE IN THE CORNER THINKING OF LOST FRIENDS, LOOKS UP FROM HIS BEER GLASS TO SEE WALKING TOWARDS HIM AN EBULLIENT, SLIGHTLY DRUNK HOWARD DEAN

200,000 Caribou Form Pro-Lichen PAC

Manhattan All-A-Twitter

Small, Disagreeable Boy, Widely Disliked, Plots Revenge Using Rocket Blimp

American Unclear: Which Carolina, Carolina Panthers?

As Ratings Decline, Superbowl May be Downgraded to GoodCup

$1200 Computer Used to Replace Post-Its

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

KING MOSS UNLEASHED, GROWS SLOWLY UP EMPIRE STATE BUILDING

CONGRESS PASSES NEW ENGLAND PATRIOT ACT: WILL PREVENT REVEALING SUPERBOWL SCORE IF PATRIOTS START LOSING

INABILITY TO FIND IRAQ WMDS COMPOUNDED AS U.S. CAN NO LONGER FIND IRAQ

Joe Lieberman Stands by Strategy of Squeeking, Nagging and Cajoling way Into Democrats' Hearts

University of Michigan Cancels Panic Attack Study as Robot Scientists Prove Life is Lazy, Breezy, and Easy as Looking at Pie
Outgoing WMD Inspector Kay Reports to Congress: "I went to Iraq and all I got was This Lousy T-Shirt"

CITING DECLINING RECEIPTS, CLEAR CHANNEL WILL END MUSIC

University of Michigan Meteorologists' Model Predicts that Warming May Combine with Urban, Agricultural Run-Off and Growing Cyclonic Wind Patterns to Create Global Foaming

Mysterious Mist Again Closes Around New Hampshire: Residents Expected to Awaken Again in 2008

Lower East Side Seance Raises Ghost who Cries "Gabba Gabba Hey," I.D.ed as Joey Ramone

High in the Central Rockies, a 600-Year Juniper Bush is Floored by the News That Iraq had No WMDS

Andre 3000 Upgraded to Andre 6000

Music Industry Concerned as Cute Dimwit Blond Factory Exceeds Safe Production Limits

Knopf Releases Marcel Marceau's Tell-Nothing Autobiography

Monday, January 26, 2004

WRITER OF FAKE HEADLINES PITCHES PRODUCT TO TIME-WARNER AS MORE ECONOMIC THAN SUSTAINING ENTIRE NEWS REPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE

Mirimax Golden Globe Party Began with Ceremonial Firing, Cell-Phone Stripping of Producer who Passed on Lord of the Rings


Nickleodean Gets In On Autopsy Craze With P.P.V. Dissection of Delicious Apple Pie

Seattle Enters Traditional Period of "January Wackiness"

Passing Suicidal Thoughts Induced by Recent Failure of Microwaving Popcorn

Lugubrious Laundry Loses Last Shred of Luster as Change Machine Jams

Rustic Connecticut Traffic Light Switches From Ruby Sunset to Jamaica Teal

Position of 'Beautiful Woman Sitting By Cafe Window' Changing Shifts Every 40 Minute

Tiny, Carnivorous Snapping Frogs Begin Hiding in Lattes by Sticking Upside-Down on Lid

University of Michigan Study of Learning IDs Common College Learning Pattern: Reading, Learning, Forgetting, Reminding Self Enough to Pass Test, Remembering a Bit, And Finally Forgetting Suddenly When Distracted by Presence of Bee in Car

Prague Dentist, Daydreaming of After-Work Beer, Accidently Whitens Patient's Nipples

Amgen Farms Unveil Symbiotic Feathery Wool, Bleating Chickens

$500, 000 Home: $15 Flower Poster

'Guaran-Fuckin'-Tee You Ain't No Fucking Rapunzel in that Ugly-Ass Cell Phone Tower
BOEING SELLING ALL PRODUCTION ASSETS; WILL CONCENTRATE ON MILITARY KICKBACKS

8.6 EARTHQUAKE DECIMATES BAFFIN ISLAND - QUONSET HUT UNDAMAGED, OWNERS BOUNCED AROUND A BIT ON TUNDRA

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN ASTROPHYSICS PAPER SUGGESTS THAT TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPIN', SLIPPIN', SLIPPIN' INTO THE FUTURE

In 20/20 Interview, Diane Sawyer Goads Keith Richards into Showing off His Original Mammoth-Skin Guitar


Adorable Kittens to Sit Out Washington State Caucuses

Courtney Love Re-Enters Rehab After Attending Ballet Featuring Dance of the Heroin-Plum Fairies, Normally Not Performed in Reality

Portland Strip Club Reperatory Theater Putting On Production of King Leer

Kinshasa: Real Estate Developer Turns Masai Hut Village Condo, Offering Units in the Low 80 Cows

32 New Hampshire Voters Playing Star Trek Vodka Drinking Game Tonight to Decide Fate of Planet Tomorrow

Rise in Hiring of Ghost Employees Boost for Pretend Economy

Coven Interview at Eugene Restaraunt Goes South When Desirable Number of Cats Underestimated

Qwest Service Truck Never, Ever Serviced

Alaskan Woman Attempts to Pass Off Frosted Hair as Expensive Salon Treatment

SEATTLE BUSINESS MOGUL TO CRUSH ENEMIES FIRMLY BUT POLITELY

LUNCHMEAT STRONGLY QUESTIONED

Sunday, January 25, 2004

ADORABLE KITTENS MISPLACE WINTER SPORTING EQUIPMENT

Adopting Assertive Business Model, Halliburton Announces Plan to Crash Earth Into the Sun

Uma Thurman About to Take Stage at Golden Globe Awar....-Great Googly-Moogly!

Potatoes Rebranded In Marketing Effort: Mealinex, Oral Treatment for Hunger

Freak Storm of Gummi Worms on Phoenix Blamed on Liberalism

Nike Adsters, Wieden and Kennedy, Tapped for Hip, Edgy Pro-Brazilian Child Death Squad Campaign

Story of Cheney's Chilling, Manical Laughter During Swiss World Econ. Summit Surpressed by Major News Outlets

Author of The Da Vinci Code Unable to Stop Staring at Magic Painting

White House Slams Kerry for Not Saving More Men in Vietnam

Incredibly Effective New-Atkins Style Diet is Based on Nutritious Penguin Eggs, Manatee Fat, Mammoth Steaks

Mild Inflationary Pressure Pushes 7-11 into Chapter 8-12

Paris Hilton To Donate Virginity to Charity

Saturday, January 24, 2004

ASTRONAUT PEGGED FOR POSSIBLE MARS MISSION LOOKING RATHER PALE

VEEP AT SWISS ECON SUMMIT OUTLAYS VISION OF DEMOCRACY AS A PLEASANT, ENNOBLING BUZZ AROUND IMPORTANT CORPORATE DECISIONS

CYNICAL MEAT GAMBIT POSITS BOVINE SPONGIFORM ENCEPHALOPATHY AS DIVINE UNIFORM SUPER-GASTRONOMY

EPA Boldly Moves to Push Deadline for Extinction of 50% of Earth's Species from 2050 to 2057

BUSH REPORTED DASHING AT TOGA-FITTING

REGULAR PANEL INVESTIGATING 9/11 REPLACED BY CHENEY-APPOINTED 17" FLAT PANEL

J-lo and Ben Agree to See Other Mega-Stars

RARE SEATTLE REPUBLICAN GIVING OFF STRANGE AIR OF SMUG, PERPETUAL VICTIMIZATION

Following Trend, Lieberman Tries Yelling Really Loud at N.H. Rally; Drowned Out by Shouts of "Speak Up!," "Can't Hear!," and "Turn the Mike On!"

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN'S EXPERIMENTAL COCAINE-ADDICTED YEAST COMING ON TO YOUNGER, PRETTIER YEAST

Washington (AP) American Newspaper Industry Association Blasts Substandard Collection Practices of 9-year Old
Minnesota Paperboy


SAUDI STRIPPER SPORTING ANKLE PASTIES

Administration's Destructive, Surreal Antics Pressuring America's Hitherto Considerable Mockery Resources

Shopping Time! SO. CAL Grocery Strike Broken when Check-Out Girls Beaten for Old-Times Sake by Mostly Out-of-Work Guatemalan Death Squads

University of Washington Reports that, Like Almost Everyone, Local Cows Driven Mad by WA Anti-Tax Goon Tim Eyman

After Repeated Testing, American Pie Council Rates U.S. Pies Highly

Friday, January 23, 2004

MARS ROBOT EXPLORER NOT RESPONDING; DISTRACTED BY FALLING IN LOVE WITH MISSING BRITISH ROBOT.

AS 17 RUTTING ELEPHANTS ARE UNLEASHED INTO A SOUTH CAROLINA MALL, A WRITER AT THE FOOD COURT REFLECTS ON THE STRUGGLES AND TRIUMPHS OF A RURAL GEORGIA CHILDHOOD.

In Tourism Play, Mozambique May Name Itself After Mozart

Grandmother Blasted for Not Updating From Windows 98

Tacoma Irish Pub Unclear on Distinctions Between Irish, English, and Welsh

On National TV, Kerry Threatens to Play Guitar

University of Robots' Robot Economist Predicting Robust Robot Job Growth

Qwest Reducing Call-IN Waiting Times by Playing Hold Tapes of Random Don Rickles Insults

Hogan's Heroes Anthropologist Sought Missing Klink

Funeral Home Strike Concerns Hungry Zombies

CNN Reporting Google Graphic

New Car Design May Absolve Original Sin

University of Michigan Study: Americans Receive 3000 Commercial Messages a Day, But Cannot Get Jingle of Product Last Made 20 Years Ago Out of Head.

University of Michigan Study: Sophomore Lesbian Experimentation Yields Intriguing Results

Ohio Pot Priest Nabbed After Cops Reexamined Incense Burners

Lichtenstein to Launch Luxemburg Probe

Costner Vehicle, "Great Wall of China, " Now Filming in Vancouver

Well-Organized Sandwich Delivery Man Bringing In Sandwich Fixings By Type of Sandwich


Shoddy Latte Throws Off Real Estate Deal by $47,000

FDA Issues Recall for LocPac's Mayonnaise, Sold in 5 Gallon Buckets Between May and September of 2000.

U.S. Imports of Containerized Labor Down 3% in 4th Qtr.


Oregon Mob Consolidating Gardenia Racket

NPR Reporter Treated for Hyperventillation

Daily Mirror to Clone Princess DI for Fresh Material

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: As of 5/11/04, Henry M. Kissinger is not responsible for any genocides other than his own.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

ALIENS LAND; ASK DIRECTIONS TO MORE INTERESTING PLANET

NEW TV SITCOM TO OPEN WITH CHARLIE SHEEN AS TV SITCOM WRITER STARINGLY BLANKLY AT COMPUTER SCREEN

Trent Lott, with Greasepaint in His Blood, Will Feature as Scotsman #6 in the Bethesda Naval Station Rep's Production of "Brigadoon."

Avaristic Moose Bullying Way Into Brine Shrimp Industry

Madison, WI Communist Party Meeting Sees Modest Increase in Attendance; Extra Chairs Requested from Denny's Waitress

On Feb. 6, Men Will Secretly Celebrate World "Tight-Fitting Sweater Appreciation Day."

Krygykystan Tolkien Society Having Good Fun Accusing Each Other's Neighborhoods of Being "Mordor."

Baptist Minister Psyched About Arrival of New J. Crew Catalog- Fashion Helps His Ministry, "J" in "J. Crew" Misunderstood

Physicist Humiliated by Post-Doc Fellowship Interview with Robot Physics Professor

Seattle Bus System Leading Nation in Near-Tolerability

Anselm Kiefer, Leading Artist Exploring Complex Position of Traditional German Imagery in the Post-War Period, Confronted by Great Variety of Banana Split Toppings at Alfred, NY Dairy Queen

Laid-Off Web Designer Reconcilled to Leave Dent in Her 1999 BMW

Brand New Garbage Truck Totally Awesome

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: TV Actor Best Known as "Screech" Will No Longer Be Accepting Solicitations for Off-Shore Investments

Increase Reported in Incidents of Funnyness Due to Truth

Napping Adorable Kittens Give Not A Fig for the World's Problems

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

APPLAUSE LINES FROM THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS:

"I can report today that America is larger than Iraq."

"Some people can't work because they are too stupid to get into community colleges. My plan will unstupidify them. "

"We cannot let the Environment win."

"Sadaam was bad. America stopped him. America builds democracy. America is a world lightbulb. I can go
pee by myself."

"Steroids are bad news. To high schools across America, we will send Preparation H."

"Some people think that we can just let John Ashcroft catch the criminals. But he will probably need some cops to help do that."

"That's why I have ordered Operation Desert Badger -flying Billionaires to Palm Springs."

"...in Iraq. Pause. Prompter 6000 software Copyright Textech Applications 2002."

"When I said Weapons of Mass Destruction, I meant lots and lots and lots of rifles."

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

University of Robots' Robot Sexologist Recommends Liberal Application of KY WD40

Reported Epidemic Of Apathy Causes Wall Street Panic

Average Lover Reportedly "Average"

Gephardt Withdraws: Who Can Stop the Sharpton Juggernaut?

Rumsfeld Team Quickly Developing Some Sort of "Operation Desert Badger"

Monday, January 19, 2004

STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS TO CHARACTERIZE AMERICA AS HUNKISH-DORIAL

JOHN KERRY EXPERTLY FLICKS BOOGER SMACK INTO BACK OF DEAN'S NECK

HISTORICAL JAPANESE ARMY DEPLOYMENT TO IRAQ INCLUDES 3 JEEPS, 227 SMALL PLASTIC TANKS, 600 SMOKY MODEL ROCKET MISSLES, AND 40 BALSA-WOOD JETS

NEAPOLITAN SWING SHIFT FED EX DRIVER TOO TIRED TO HIT ON CUTE AMERICAN GIRL

Real Story! Bush's Reference to "Desert Badger" May Have Been Confusion with WWII Desert Fox

Love You? Kill You? Vacuum? It's All in the Latest Robot Software!

Helicopters To Appear Near End of Latest Copolla Project Without Trace of Symbolism

Off Virgin Islands, Pentagon Launches Operation Clueless Cokefiend

Sunday, January 18, 2004

GENETICALLY ALTERED URANIUM EATING RABBITS PRODUCING PLUTONIUM PELLETS FOR AMERICA

Psychic Correctly Asserts that Indianna Barber Knew a Man With First or Last Name Beginning With S, C, or Maybe K, Who Drove A Car, or Walked.

North Korea Announces Another A-Bomb; Also, Possible Toaster Oven

Chinese Government Fights Civet Cat SARS Infection Risk by Importing Armadillo Noodles

University of Robots' Robot Professor Reports that Future Robot Paleo-Anthropologists Will Conclusively Demonstrate That America Was Originally Settled By Modern Austrailians in 1987

Adorable Kittens In Staring Contest
BUSH MOON PLAN DERIDED AS CYNICAL POLITICAL DISTRACTION FROM NEUTONIC SAUCER INVASION OF NEBULAR-7 PLAN

Haunting Strains of "Hotel California" Add Sense of Poignancy and Loss to Seattle Taco Time

MANAGEABLE GOALS REVOLUTIONARIES AGREE ON CALENDAR PAD SIZE; MARKER COLORS DISPUTED

PRESSURE OF INTERNAL STEAM OF EVIL EXPLODES KARL ROVE

NATIONAL FBI COLONOSCOPY DATABASE REVEALS DOMESTIC SECURITY RISK-PERSONS NEED MORE DIETARY FIBER

Ann Coulter: Boxers or Briefs?

Cher Orders 2nd Replacement Body Grown

Harvard-University of Michigan Entymologist Team IDs, Removes Giant New Species of Enormous Bug From John Ashcroft's Ass

Confusion Cleared at White House as Moon Demonstrated to Be Spherical

Wal Mart Breaks Happy Faces Local #436 Union, Replaces with 'Smirky Mugs' Scabs

Friday, January 16, 2004

Teen Disputes Future Rewarding Career as East Lansing Dental Assistant

Left in Car for 3 Minutes, Cute Puppy Purported Anxious, Chewing on Seat Belt

University of Robots' Robot Scientists' Survey of Insurance Practices Reveals Insurance Companies Sucking Human Life Dry as the Kalahari

Newspaper Decline Forces Superhero Alter-Egos Out of Super News Biz, Into Super-Stocking at Home Depot

5' 1", 102 lb Woman buys SUV With Intent of Crushing Enemies

Decades of Loyal Company Service Rewarded With Momentary Indifferent Betrayal

Manilla TV Reporter Relentless in Pursuit of Michael Jackson Press Conference Seat


Godzilla Countered With Early Retirement Bonus

'EXTRA SUPERMEAT PLUS' EYED AS POSSIBLE MEAT ALTERNATIVE

Hummer Customer Goes For Hummer 2 as More Eco-Friendly

Adorable Kittens Concerned About Cute Puppy Reports

Rampaging Vikings Go Straight for Amsterdam

Safeway Begins Indentured Associatude Program


With Biology Research Grant, University of Robots Robot Scientists Attach Radio Collars to Marketing Goons

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

CREDIBLE REPORTS SURFACE OF BUSH WANDERING ROOMS, BANGING HEAD ON WALL, GOING 'DUH,' 'DUH, 'DUH' AS CHENEY, WEARING TOP HAT AND CAPE, TWIRLS SPINDLY MOUSTACHE

Robot Scientists Report Indisputable Superiority of Robot Scientists

PROPOSED U.S. INVASION OF DAKOTAS UNDER LAST-MINUTE REVIEW

Original Norwegian Bison Snubbing American Bison

EPA To Clamp Down On Oppressive Darkness, Leafy Mess of Trees

Halliburton To Buy Atmosphere, Supply Air in No-Bid Contract


Phil Knight Issues Modest Proposal To Raise Average Wages by Eating More Asian Children

Thai Copier Clerk Struggles Against His Own Irrational Fear of Toner

Reports of Uma Thurman's Public Nudity Widely, Widely Hailed

U.S. Strategy in Afghanistan: Roll All 3 Dice, Invade Middle East And Collect A Card


In Bush Mars Plan Science Briefing, President Informed that Astronauts Cannot Just Borrow Important Stuff Like Water From The Martians


French Threaten Embargo on U.S. French-Kissing

In Unusual Move, Christina Aguillera Keeps it On

Tang Stock Up 847%

Brevity: Wit

University of Michigan Study: Britany Spears Only Somewhat Attractive; Confusion May Possibly Stem from Shameless Sluttiness

Seattle Parking Cop Maintains Deep Faith in Principle of Overall Parking Availability

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

BIG BUSH MOON PLAN BILLIONS GO TO NO-BID HALLIBURTON CONTRACT FOR MOON FUEL: $137 MILLION/ GALLON

Classified Government Documents Revealed by Treasury Secretary Reveal that All This Time, Bush Has Secretly Been a Lying Dumbshit

Council of Economic Advisors Agree That Economy Is Recovering - In the Same Sense that Christopher Reeve is Recovering


PGE and Southern Power Do Surprise Fun Redecoration of Each Other's Electricity Generating Grid

Sunday, January 11, 2004

IN MARKETING DEAL, RICHARD THE THIRD ANNOUNCES "NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTINUED MATRESSES."

POLICE QUESTION JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES

Portugal Living Vicariously Through Brazil

INTENSE CRITICISM OF ENTROPY PETERING OUT

Andy Warhol Gets His Fifteen Years of Death

BioTech Secretary Recoils Instinctively From Proferred Fruit Basket

ROMAN CANDLE DISPLACED BY VISIGOTH FLASHLIGHT

Berlin Trucker Who Bought Imported Texas Flag Car Freshener Disappointed it was Actually Made in Indonesia

Japanese Home Robot Now Comes with Smaller Robot Cleaning Robot

U.S. Admits it Boged Out, Totally Spaced on North Korea with Their Nuclear Bomb and All


Crafts Store Installs New Lighting with 50% Boost in Pallor, Apparant Grubbiness, and Haunting Atmosphere of Doom

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Greeting Towards Adorable Kittens Basis of an Entire Pop Culture

Castro May Be Flirting With Communism

Friday, January 09, 2004

Big Bush Moon Plan May Boost True Moon Boot Units

Mike Meyers Leases Forehead

HOLY CRAP! VATICAN CITY WATER TREATMENT BONDS DISCUSSION SLATED

Joe Lieberman Didn't Want to But Had to Issue Dean Another Detention Slip

Ann Coulter Announces Difficult, Personal Decision to Finally Become A Woman

Adorable Kittens In Talks With Teamsters

Mike Holmgren Hopping from Gallery to Gallery in Desperate Art Binge
(Real! - Your Correspondent)

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN STUDY: REPUBLICAN ACTORS UNIFORMLY UNABLE TO ACT

Badger Hopes for Emotional Breakthrough in Weasel Family Group Therapy

U.S. INTELLIGENCE LOCATES AND DIFFERENTIATES HOLE IN GROUND

BUSH MOVES AHEAD WITH BIG MOON PLAN AFTER SCIENCE BRIEFING THAT ON LANDING, MOON WILL NOT SHATTER AND BREAK AND THEN GO OUT

U.S. Corporation Agrees to Pay Turnpike Toll

National Identity Crisis Looms as Branding Nears Market Saturation

S.P.E.C.T.R.E. HIRING 23,000 REPLACEMENT NUCLEAR TECHNICIANS

Successful Lumberjack Dogged By Persistent Anachronistic Feelings

MUMBAI STREET VENDOR DAYDREAMS OF VCR TO REWIND ANGELINA JOLIE BITS

Multi-Billionaire, After A Lifetime of Toil, Expresses Satisfaction at Measurably Increasing Rate of Currency Exchange Equalization

CHUCK NORRIS FINALLY GETS BREAKTHROUGH ACTING ROLE ON TOTAL GYM INFOMERCIAL

White House Hobbies: Senior Administration Economist Great at Sucking Cock

SPECIAL COUNSEL INVESTIGATING WHITE HOUSE UNABLE TO LOCATE ANY STATEMENT OF FACT ABOUT ANYTHING ANYWHERE AT ALL

Disney Movie Unit Removes Teen Poverty

>NASA GETS BIG BUSH MOON BOOST BUT PROHIBITED FROM MENTIONING EVOLUTION

Unusual MIT Mathematics Genius Draws Pretty Good Circle

Ashcroft to Set Up Anti-Terror Colonoscopy Database

Latest Nike Shoe Padding: Ground Toddlers

Severe L.A. Outage Outs 937 Personal Assistants

Thursday, January 08, 2004

CIA: U.S. MISREPRESENTATIONS ABOUT WMD LIES MAY HAVE INTERFERED WITH PREVARICATIONS
JUDGE SENTENCES LEA FASTOW OF ENRON TO CASH, GIFTS, LUXURY MEDITERRANEAN CONDO

NARCOLEPSY TIED TO FURNITURE OUTLET STORES

Pfizer introduces Symtotrex, treatment for Plutomase, designed to ease the side effects of Curonal, which greatly reduces problems associated with Symtotrex

BUSH TO HONOR ABE "THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY" LINCOLN

HUNGRY METEOROLOGIST PREDICTS STRONG ONSHORE FLAN

BUSH ADMITS HE SOMETIMES MISSES A GOOD OL' SNORT OF BLOW

U.S. RECOVERY ADDING THOUSANDS OF JOBS IN SHIPPING JOBS OVERSEAS SECTOR

Adorable Kittens Reject New "Hang in There" Poster Deal


Suspicion Falls on Canadian Cattle Anger Management Therapy Program

BUSH MOON BASE PLAN TO FEATURE INNOVATIVE WATERPARK

Lonely Man Blames Addiction to 2 For 1 Dinner Coupons

Donald Trump to Make Firing of Employees on Television Standard Practice

WMDS Left in Sadaams Other Pants

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

AS PROMISED DURING EVENING DATE, 5.9 "LOVEQUAKE" ROCKS STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA

WOOLY MAMMOTH FROZE WHILE LOOKING FOR GIANT CAR KEYS

SOUTHERN BAPTISTS FUMING, HUNKERING DEEP IN BOG WITH BUGGY EYES SLIGHTLY ABOVE THE LEVEL OF THE MUD

ENERGY POLICY REVISED AS LINCOLN, NEBRASKA EXTENDS SURFING SEASON

CREATIONISTS DENY STAIRS

LIEBERMAN POKES DEAN WITH STICK

BUSH MOON BASE PLAN IDENTICAL TO CRAWFORD, TX RANCH

HARVARD PUSHING GOOBER RECRUITMENT

57ND BOTTLE OF BEER SAVED AS DRUNKS TIRE OF SINGING

PAT ROBERTSON HEARING VOICES

NEW EDIBLE MALL SAMPLED

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Outburst of Happiness, Good Will, Playfulness During Snow-Storms, Power-Outs Condemned by Government, Schools, Industry

Japanese Company Introduces Free-Range Canned Dolphin

Spiderman, Shelob Duel Leaves a Big Sticky Mess

Excessive Use Forces International Rhyming Council To Strike "Night" and "Light" From List of Legal Rhymable Words

Temporary Restraining Order Issued Against Dancing Infants

Ford Kills "Hummer. Be Widely Despised." Campaign

Food Court Dismisses All Charges Against Ken Lay
Eraser Merger: Art Gum to Rub Out Pink Pearl

Mars Lander Discovers Martian Nougat - Evidence of Milky Way

Adorable Siberian Tiger Kittens Temporarily Ruling You Out as Lunch

Seattle Drivers Saving Time in Snowstorm by Parking Cars and Banging Fenders with Sledge-Hammer

Neo-Druid CPAs Gather at Stonehenge for Summer Solstice of the Fiscal Year

Laundry Segregated By Deplorable Clorox Clu Clan

Friday, January 02, 2004

$200 Million Mars Exploring Unit Successfully Locates Previous Mars Exploring Unit

Advocates of Rich European Cultural History at a Loss to Explain Decades-Long Persistence of Disco


New Self-Delivering Hovercraft Robot Pizza Boxes Threaten Primary Source of Stoner Income

Terrier Locked in Car Valiantly Wards off Stinky Man on Bike

Knife Fight at Antarctic Research Station Erupts when Employee Again Attempts to Play Stations Only DVD: Star Wars II, Attack of the Clones

Vatican Celebrates as Pope's Last Days Reach New Record: 4372!

Following Principles of Corporate Transparancy, Nike Execs Performing Satanic Rituals Openly in Downtown Beavertown, Oregon

University of Michigan Study: Liv Tyler's Elfin "Arwen" Giving Socially Challenged Male Teens False Hope of Dating Actual Women

Skiing Jesus Rocks Giant Slolum Circuit

Mystery Death as Hiker Singing, Whistling, Chatting while Rattling Cans and Blowing Horns in Pristine Back-Country Has Head Torn off by Bear

Warthogs to be Renamed "Blemish Swine"

Family Circus' Ida Know Leads Police in Texas Highway Chase after Multi-State Crime Spree

Vegas Breast Implant Recipient Convention Attendees Find Attention, Media Coverage Surprising

American Waffle Council Schism Possible Over "Alternative" Hazelnut Syrup

Entire US Military Industrial Complex Still Trying to Catch 3000 Self-Exploding Idiots

Ergregious Crime Penguins Seek Specious Injunctions

Even Reports of Ben Affleck Overexposure Heavily Overexposed

Sacred Neo-Druid Solstice Ceremony Delayed by Severe Catering Miscommunication

US Companies End Paying General State Taxes, Begin General State Billing

American Whore Associations' 2004 "Whore of America", Hortense Superwhore, Unable to Outwhore Madonna in National Whore-Off

LizardFest '04 Biggest Flop Yet in Oslo

John Ashcroft, Failing to Win the Heart of a Simple Maiden, Vows Sweet Vengence Against the People of Earth

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Quietly Mock Ostentatious Starbucks-Goers

Adorable Kittens Convinced Blanket-Covered Toes May in Fact Be Blanket-Covered Mice

Secret Cabal of Ten Ruling World to Double Pop-Country Song Output

Bees Report to Entymologist: Dizzy, Light-Headed