WRITER OF FAKE HEADLINES PITCHES PRODUCT TO TIME-WARNER AS MORE ECONOMIC THAN SUSTAINING ENTIRE NEWS REPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE

Mirimax Golden Globe Party Began with Ceremonial Firing, Cell-Phone Stripping of Producer who Passed on Lord of the Rings

Nickleodean Gets In On Autopsy Craze With P.P.V. Dissection of Delicious Apple Pie

Seattle Enters Traditional Period of "January Wackiness"

Passing Suicidal Thoughts Induced by Recent Failure of Microwaving Popcorn

Lugubrious Laundry Loses Last Shred of Luster as Change Machine Jams

Rustic Connecticut Traffic Light Switches From Ruby Sunset to Jamaica Teal

Position of 'Beautiful Woman Sitting By Cafe Window' Changing Shifts Every 40 Minute

Tiny, Carnivorous Snapping Frogs Begin Hiding in Lattes by Sticking Upside-Down on Lid

University of Michigan Study of Learning IDs Common College Learning Pattern: Reading, Learning, Forgetting, Reminding Self Enough to Pass Test, Remembering a Bit, And Finally Forgetting Suddenly When Distracted by Presence of Bee in Car

Prague Dentist, Daydreaming of After-Work Beer, Accidently Whitens Patient's Nipples

Amgen Farms Unveil Symbiotic Feathery Wool, Bleating Chickens

$500, 000 Home: $15 Flower Poster

'Guaran-Fuckin'-Tee You Ain't No Fucking Rapunzel in that Ugly-Ass Cell Phone Tower