Friday, January 02, 2004

$200 Million Mars Exploring Unit Successfully Locates Previous Mars Exploring Unit

Advocates of Rich European Cultural History at a Loss to Explain Decades-Long Persistence of Disco

New Self-Delivering Hovercraft Robot Pizza Boxes Threaten Primary Source of Stoner Income

Terrier Locked in Car Valiantly Wards off Stinky Man on Bike

Knife Fight at Antarctic Research Station Erupts when Employee Again Attempts to Play Stations Only DVD: Star Wars II, Attack of the Clones

Vatican Celebrates as Pope's Last Days Reach New Record: 4372!

Following Principles of Corporate Transparancy, Nike Execs Performing Satanic Rituals Openly in Downtown Beavertown, Oregon

University of Michigan Study: Liv Tyler's Elfin "Arwen" Giving Socially Challenged Male Teens False Hope of Dating Actual Women

Skiing Jesus Rocks Giant Slolum Circuit

Mystery Death as Hiker Singing, Whistling, Chatting while Rattling Cans and Blowing Horns in Pristine Back-Country Has Head Torn off by Bear

Warthogs to be Renamed "Blemish Swine"

Family Circus' Ida Know Leads Police in Texas Highway Chase after Multi-State Crime Spree

Vegas Breast Implant Recipient Convention Attendees Find Attention, Media Coverage Surprising

American Waffle Council Schism Possible Over "Alternative" Hazelnut Syrup

Entire US Military Industrial Complex Still Trying to Catch 3000 Self-Exploding Idiots

Ergregious Crime Penguins Seek Specious Injunctions

Even Reports of Ben Affleck Overexposure Heavily Overexposed

Sacred Neo-Druid Solstice Ceremony Delayed by Severe Catering Miscommunication

US Companies End Paying General State Taxes, Begin General State Billing

American Whore Associations' 2004 "Whore of America", Hortense Superwhore, Unable to Outwhore Madonna in National Whore-Off

LizardFest '04 Biggest Flop Yet in Oslo

John Ashcroft, Failing to Win the Heart of a Simple Maiden, Vows Sweet Vengence Against the People of Earth

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Quietly Mock Ostentatious Starbucks-Goers

Adorable Kittens Convinced Blanket-Covered Toes May in Fact Be Blanket-Covered Mice

Secret Cabal of Ten Ruling World to Double Pop-Country Song Output

Bees Report to Entymologist: Dizzy, Light-Headed