$200 Million Mars Exploring Unit Successfully Locates Previous Mars Exploring Unit
Advocates of Rich European Cultural History at a Loss to Explain Decades-Long Persistence of Disco
New Self-Delivering Hovercraft Robot Pizza Boxes Threaten Primary Source of Stoner Income
Terrier Locked in Car Valiantly Wards off Stinky Man on Bike
Knife Fight at Antarctic Research Station Erupts when Employee Again Attempts to Play Stations Only DVD: Star Wars II, Attack of the Clones
Vatican Celebrates as Pope's Last Days Reach New Record: 4372!
Following Principles of Corporate Transparancy, Nike Execs Performing Satanic Rituals Openly in Downtown Beavertown, Oregon
University of Michigan Study: Liv Tyler's Elfin "Arwen" Giving Socially Challenged Male Teens False Hope of Dating Actual Women
Skiing Jesus Rocks Giant Slolum Circuit
Mystery Death as Hiker Singing, Whistling, Chatting while Rattling Cans and Blowing Horns in Pristine Back-Country Has Head Torn off by Bear
Warthogs to be Renamed "Blemish Swine"
Family Circus' Ida Know Leads Police in Texas Highway Chase after Multi-State Crime Spree
Vegas Breast Implant Recipient Convention Attendees Find Attention, Media Coverage Surprising
American Waffle Council Schism Possible Over "Alternative" Hazelnut Syrup
Entire US Military Industrial Complex Still Trying to Catch 3000 Self-Exploding Idiots
Ergregious Crime Penguins Seek Specious Injunctions
Even Reports of Ben Affleck Overexposure Heavily Overexposed
Sacred Neo-Druid Solstice Ceremony Delayed by Severe Catering Miscommunication
US Companies End Paying General State Taxes, Begin General State Billing
American Whore Associations' 2004 "Whore of America", Hortense Superwhore, Unable to Outwhore Madonna in National Whore-Off
LizardFest '04 Biggest Flop Yet in Oslo
John Ashcroft, Failing to Win the Heart of a Simple Maiden, Vows Sweet Vengence Against the People of Earth
Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Quietly Mock Ostentatious Starbucks-Goers
Adorable Kittens Convinced Blanket-Covered Toes May in Fact Be Blanket-Covered Mice
Secret Cabal of Ten Ruling World to Double Pop-Country Song Output
Bees Report to Entymologist: Dizzy, Light-Headed
