ASTRONAUT PEGGED FOR POSSIBLE MARS MISSION LOOKING RATHER PALE

VEEP AT SWISS ECON SUMMIT OUTLAYS VISION OF DEMOCRACY AS A PLEASANT, ENNOBLING BUZZ AROUND IMPORTANT CORPORATE DECISIONS

CYNICAL MEAT GAMBIT POSITS BOVINE SPONGIFORM ENCEPHALOPATHY AS DIVINE UNIFORM SUPER-GASTRONOMY

EPA Boldly Moves to Push Deadline for Extinction of 50% of Earth's Species from 2050 to 2057

BUSH REPORTED DASHING AT TOGA-FITTING

REGULAR PANEL INVESTIGATING 9/11 REPLACED BY CHENEY-APPOINTED 17" FLAT PANEL

J-lo and Ben Agree to See Other Mega-Stars

RARE SEATTLE REPUBLICAN GIVING OFF STRANGE AIR OF SMUG, PERPETUAL VICTIMIZATION

Following Trend, Lieberman Tries Yelling Really Loud at N.H. Rally; Drowned Out by Shouts of "Speak Up!," "Can't Hear!," and "Turn the Mike On!"

UNIV. OF MICHIGAN'S EXPERIMENTAL COCAINE-ADDICTED YEAST COMING ON TO YOUNGER, PRETTIER YEAST

Washington (AP) American Newspaper Industry Association Blasts Substandard Collection Practices of 9-year Old
Minnesota Paperboy

SAUDI STRIPPER SPORTING ANKLE PASTIES

Administration's Destructive, Surreal Antics Pressuring America's Hitherto Considerable Mockery Resources

Shopping Time! SO. CAL Grocery Strike Broken when Check-Out Girls Beaten for Old-Times Sake by Mostly Out-of-Work Guatemalan Death Squads

University of Washington Reports that, Like Almost Everyone, Local Cows Driven Mad by WA Anti-Tax Goon Tim Eyman

After Repeated Testing, American Pie Council Rates U.S. Pies Highly