ALIENS LAND; ASK DIRECTIONS TO MORE INTERESTING PLANET

NEW TV SITCOM TO OPEN WITH CHARLIE SHEEN AS TV SITCOM WRITER STARINGLY BLANKLY AT COMPUTER SCREEN

Trent Lott, with Greasepaint in His Blood, Will Feature as Scotsman #6 in the Bethesda Naval Station Rep's Production of "Brigadoon."

Avaristic Moose Bullying Way Into Brine Shrimp Industry

Madison, WI Communist Party Meeting Sees Modest Increase in Attendance; Extra Chairs Requested from Denny's Waitress

On Feb. 6, Men Will Secretly Celebrate World "Tight-Fitting Sweater Appreciation Day."

Krygykystan Tolkien Society Having Good Fun Accusing Each Other's Neighborhoods of Being "Mordor."

Baptist Minister Psyched About Arrival of New J. Crew Catalog- Fashion Helps His Ministry, "J" in "J. Crew" Misunderstood

Physicist Humiliated by Post-Doc Fellowship Interview with Robot Physics Professor

Seattle Bus System Leading Nation in Near-Tolerability

Anselm Kiefer, Leading Artist Exploring Complex Position of Traditional German Imagery in the Post-War Period, Confronted by Great Variety of Banana Split Toppings at Alfred, NY Dairy Queen

Laid-Off Web Designer Reconcilled to Leave Dent in Her 1999 BMW

Brand New Garbage Truck Totally Awesome

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: TV Actor Best Known as "Screech" Will No Longer Be Accepting Solicitations for Off-Shore Investments

Increase Reported in Incidents of Funnyness Due to Truth

Napping Adorable Kittens Give Not A Fig for the World's Problems