Wednesday, January 14, 2004

CREDIBLE REPORTS SURFACE OF BUSH WANDERING ROOMS, BANGING HEAD ON WALL, GOING 'DUH,' 'DUH, 'DUH' AS CHENEY, WEARING TOP HAT AND CAPE, TWIRLS SPINDLY MOUSTACHE

Robot Scientists Report Indisputable Superiority of Robot Scientists

PROPOSED U.S. INVASION OF DAKOTAS UNDER LAST-MINUTE REVIEW

Original Norwegian Bison Snubbing American Bison

EPA To Clamp Down On Oppressive Darkness, Leafy Mess of Trees

Halliburton To Buy Atmosphere, Supply Air in No-Bid Contract


Phil Knight Issues Modest Proposal To Raise Average Wages by Eating More Asian Children

Thai Copier Clerk Struggles Against His Own Irrational Fear of Toner

Reports of Uma Thurman's Public Nudity Widely, Widely Hailed

U.S. Strategy in Afghanistan: Roll All 3 Dice, Invade Middle East And Collect A Card


In Bush Mars Plan Science Briefing, President Informed that Astronauts Cannot Just Borrow Important Stuff Like Water From The Martians


French Threaten Embargo on U.S. French-Kissing

In Unusual Move, Christina Aguillera Keeps it On

Tang Stock Up 847%

Brevity: Wit

University of Michigan Study: Britany Spears Only Somewhat Attractive; Confusion May Possibly Stem from Shameless Sluttiness

Seattle Parking Cop Maintains Deep Faith in Principle of Overall Parking Availability