MARS ROBOT EXPLORER NOT RESPONDING; DISTRACTED BY FALLING IN LOVE WITH MISSING BRITISH ROBOT.

AS 17 RUTTING ELEPHANTS ARE UNLEASHED INTO A SOUTH CAROLINA MALL, A WRITER AT THE FOOD COURT REFLECTS ON THE STRUGGLES AND TRIUMPHS OF A RURAL GEORGIA CHILDHOOD.

In Tourism Play, Mozambique May Name Itself After Mozart

Grandmother Blasted for Not Updating From Windows 98

Tacoma Irish Pub Unclear on Distinctions Between Irish, English, and Welsh

On National TV, Kerry Threatens to Play Guitar

University of Robots' Robot Economist Predicting Robust Robot Job Growth

Qwest Reducing Call-IN Waiting Times by Playing Hold Tapes of Random Don Rickles Insults

Hogan's Heroes Anthropologist Sought Missing Klink

Funeral Home Strike Concerns Hungry Zombies

CNN Reporting Google Graphic

New Car Design May Absolve Original Sin

University of Michigan Study: Americans Receive 3000 Commercial Messages a Day, But Cannot Get Jingle of Product Last Made 20 Years Ago Out of Head.

University of Michigan Study: Sophomore Lesbian Experimentation Yields Intriguing Results

Ohio Pot Priest Nabbed After Cops Reexamined Incense Burners

Lichtenstein to Launch Luxemburg Probe

Costner Vehicle, "Great Wall of China, " Now Filming in Vancouver

Well-Organized Sandwich Delivery Man Bringing In Sandwich Fixings By Type of Sandwich

Shoddy Latte Throws Off Real Estate Deal by $47,000

FDA Issues Recall for LocPac's Mayonnaise, Sold in 5 Gallon Buckets Between May and September of 2000.

U.S. Imports of Containerized Labor Down 3% in 4th Qtr.

Oregon Mob Consolidating Gardenia Racket

NPR Reporter Treated for Hyperventillation

Daily Mirror to Clone Princess DI for Fresh Material

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: As of 5/11/04, Henry M. Kissinger is not responsible for any genocides other than his own.