Tuesday, December 16, 2008

NASA SCIENTISTS REPORT MICHIGAN EXPLORER III HAS LANDED SAFELY IN DETROIT


SOMALI PIRATES GRAB TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS


COPS FIND INEBRIATED ALAN GREENSPAN BOTHERING APPLEBY'S CUSTOMERS WITH OBVIOUS PYRAMID SCHEME


PHOENIX: POPCORN GENE INSERTED IN NOW-ESCAPED MICE MAY BECOME ONGOING CATASTROPHY


OBAMA TO DOUBLE TAX ON NASCAR PARAPHERNALIA


HOARD OF ADORABLE KITTENS LEAP ON AND FEROCIOUSLY ATTACK WILLIAM SHATNER'S HEAD


ROBOT-FIXING ROBOT FIXED


CALIFORNIA VOTES TO BAN OWL MARRIAGE


JOLLY GREEN GIANT SHOT WITH POTATO GUN


MAN WITH DUAL PERSONALITIES SHOOTS SELF, SELF



IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY HILARY CLINTON: DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

OBAMA MOVES QUICKLY TO CRUSH ANTI-HOPE GROUPS


BRITISH NAVY INTERCEPTS ROGUE CANAPES


MAN WITH DUAL PERSONALITIES SHOOTS SELF, SELF


SOMALI PIRATES CAPTURE TEXAS WATER PARK


MOURNFUL MOOS OF THE CRABCOW FRIGHTEN SHOREFOLK


ALAN GREENSPAN FIRED AS WAL-MART GREETER


SCIENTISTS: MICHIGAN MAY ONCE HAVE BEEN U.S. STATE


STUDY OF STUDY OF STUDIES SHOWS STUDIES OF STUDIES UNDERSTUDIED UNTIL RECENTLY


CALIFORNIA MOVES TO BAN DORK MARRIAGE


JOLLY GREEN GIANT SHOT WITH POTATO GUN


POPE CONDEMNS GOOGLING SELF

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

CURSING SARAH PALIN TRAPPED IN WASILLA VOTING BOOTH BY CARELESSLY ABANDONED CHINESE FINGER PUZZLE


MISSION FAILING, KARL ROVE TO RETURN TO HOME PLANET


MILLION OBAMA SUPPORTERS EXPECTED TO GATHER IN CHICAGO; TEN MILLION REPUBLICANS EXPECTED TO GATHER THEMSELVES IN THEIR OWN BASEMENT HOME BUSINESS OFFICES


REPORT: MCCAIN SCARED OF GHOSTS


TED STEVENS HUMBLY AND SINCERELY APOLOGIES FOR HIS ABUSE OF POWER, FELONY CRIMES IN HIGH OFFICE


OBAMA TO MAKE FLOSSING MANDATORY


REPUBLICAN DIASPORA: MILLIONS FLEE TO IDAHO, LOADING ENTIRE GATED COMMUNITIES ON PRIMITIVE WAGONS


UPDATE: MCCAIN PARTICULARLY FRIGHTENED OF GHOST OF SCROOGE MCCDUCK


EARLY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DISRUPTED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS


HOOTER'S MAKES VICE-PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT


IN SURPRISE MOVE, MCCAIN CAMPAIGN SENDS DOZENS OF PONIES TO UTAH


SARAH PALIN CLAIMS TO HAVE MEMORIZED THE INTERNET


ADORABLE KITTENS PLAN TO CAPTURE BALL OF YARN, NAP UNDER ITS MIGHTY SHADOW


LOCATED AT IN A DILAPIDATED NEWARK STUDIO APARTMENT AMID EMPTY COORS CANS AND DOMINO'S PIZZA BOXES, CAPITALISM WATCHES GAME SHOWS, TAKES A BONG HIT AND MAKES NO APOLOGIES


UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE ADVANCED SUPERCOMPUTER TO CRACK "MYSTERIOUS RESEARCH GRANT CODE"


LATE UPDATE: CINDY MCCAIN- GHOST?????


IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY AN ENRAGED HYENA: "GIVE ME THAT WILDEBEEST BONE, ASSHOLE!!"

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

DESPERATE FED GIVES JIMMY'S PAWN SHOP $354 BILLION


HALF-WIT ZINGS QUARTER WIT


EMBARASSED ROBOTS NOW SEEKING OTHER TYPES OF PHONE WORK


401(k) now 201(b)


REPORT: IS ALASKA THE NEW WEST VIRGINIA?


McCAIN HANGING ON TO PRO-MELANOMA VOTE


PALIN SHARPLY QUESTIONED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS


HOOTER'S MAKES VICE-PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT


MCCAIN CALLS FOR PUDDING


REPORT: SARAH PALIN ATTENDED FIVE DIFFERENT SECOND GRADES


McCAIN STATEMENT "I HATE WAR" UNDERMINED BY PROFOUND LOVE OF WAR


UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS MAKE TENTATIVE IDENTIFICATION OF POPULAR ENGLISH PROFESSOR WHO TOOK PARKING SPACE


CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES


IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: LOOK OUT!

Friday, September 05, 2008

MCCAIN SEEN WANDERING AROUND PHARMACY ASKING PEOPLE IF THEY KNOW WHERE HE LIVES


TABLOID SAYS THEY HAVE 78 SECOND RACHEL RAY SEX TAPE


MAN AFFECTS OWN LIFE


FAMED NOVELIST OUT OF WINDEX


ADORABLE KITTENS MEET FOR CUTE CONVENTION


IRAN DEVELOPING LASER BURKA


BILL CLINTON SEEN AT DENVER POOL HALL, HUSTLING BETS


UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER GENE WHICH CAUSES SLIGHT ANNOYANCE AT APPARENT WASTE OF PRECIOUS SCIENCE RESOURCES


PORTLAND CYCLIST SURVIVES CRASH ONLY TO BE KILLED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS


CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES


IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: APOCALYPTIC-Y

Thursday, August 28, 2008

TABLOID SAYS THEY HAVE 78 SECOND RACHEL RAY SEX TAPE


CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES


PORTLAND CYCLIST SURVIVES CRASH ONLY TO BE KILLED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS


JOHN EDWARDS REGRETS AFFAIR WITH JOHN McCAIN


SNEAKY GIRLFRIEND UNLEASHES SECRET PRESENT-INDUCING CAMPAIGN


UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER GENE WHICH CAUSES SLIGHT ANNOYANCE AT APPARENT WASTE OF PRECIOUS SCIENCE RESOURCES


POLYAMOROUS MARIN COUNTY ORGY INTERRUPTED BY EARNEST DEMOCRATIC PARTY ORGANIZERS


SCIENTISTS UNVEIL ROBOT FRIEND DESIGNED TO NEVER TOTALLY BAIL ON YOU


WEIGHING ASPECTS CAREFULLY, MAN AT 7-11 CONCLUDES WASABI CHIPS WILL PROVIDE BEST TEMPORARY RELIEF FROM GNAWING DESPAIR



IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: OUTLOOK GREAT FOR PINEAPPLE SEASON IN SIBERIA

Saturday, August 09, 2008

IN DRAMATIC TURN, DICK CHENEY CLAIMS TO BE BARACK OBAMA'S FATHER


RASH OF BEAR ATTACKS IN ALASKA ATTRIBUTED TO RISE IN CAVE FORECLOSURES


BUSH POLL REPORTS APPROVAL OF 1: A CERTAIN MR. TOM PRICKSON, UNEMPLOYED LOCKSMITH, OF SCRANTON, PA.


SCIENTISTS' REVIEW OF LITERATURE REVEALS COMPLEX PERSONAL MOTIVATIONS


STUDY: AMERICA NOT PREPARED FOR EXTENDED PERIOD OF SENSIBLE PUBLIC POLICY


BILL CLINTON POPS UP AS NEW PRESIDENT OF CHAD


FAKE BLUETOOTH SET COMPANY TARGETS SCHIZOPHRENIC DEMOGRAPHIC


MAN PREPARING 7-11 HOT DOG ABOUT TO FACE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS


ADORABLE KITTENS FAIL IN TELEKINETIC ATTEMPT TO PRODUCE NUMMIES

Monday, July 28, 2008

BILL GATES SEEN CRUNK AT RENTON 7-11, TOSSING PLASTIC LAWN CHAIRS AT PASSING CARS


SCIENTISTS URGENTLY WORKING TO CRACK GENETIC CODE FOR ANGELINA JOLIE


McCAIN UNVEILS PROPOSAL TO EXTEND DAYLIGHT NAPPING TIME


HILARIOUS JOKE ON GAS PRICES THWARTED BY SEX


STUDY: U.S. NOW A SAD, LONELY SUPERPOWER


ROBOT PORN SPREADS SEEN AT LOWE'S


FLEEING KARL ROVE LEADS COPS IN CHASE THROUGH TRI-COUNTY AREA, DEATH TOLL NEARING 27


NODDING SOLEMNLY, OBAMA QUIETLY APPROVES HIS OWN MEMORIAL DESIGN


ADORABLE KITTENS UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND SIMPLE DVR INSTRUCTIONS

Thursday, July 17, 2008

BUSH CAUGHT IN LINCOLN BEDROOM TRYING TO APPROVE HIMSELF


JOHN MCCAIN FORCED TO DENY ADULTERY WITH GEORGIA WOMAN SPY DURING BATTLE OF ANTIETAM


DIESEL ROBOTS TO SAVE FUEL BY ARM-SHARING


UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE WASTED 147 MILLION U.S. MAN-HOURS EACH SUMMER CAUSED BY GIRLS STRETCHING


ADORABLE KITTENS FACE CHALLENGE WITHDRAWING FROM PAPER SACK


FACING POLAR MELTING, POLAR BEARS' INVESTMENT GROUP MAKES ATTEMPT TO PURCHASE CRUISE SHIP


BILL GATES RETIRING TO CATCH UP ON "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"


NEW HONDA RUNS ON INEXPENSIVE MILK


SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET


Friday, June 27, 2008

JOHN MCCAIN WASTES AFTERNOON LOOKING FOR HANDCRANK TO START BUS


ADORABLE KITTENS STRESS ADORABILITY


CONCERNS EXPRESSED AS HILLARY CLINTON NOW TOSSES BACK AVERAGE 15 SHOTS A DAY


ONION WRITERS' ATTEMPT TO SEND MOTHER'S DAY CARD HOBBLED BY IRONIC SUBTEXT


PFIZER RELEASES "BRANDUMAXOL", WHICH TREATS DEBILITATING ADDICTION TO PURCHASING DRUGS FROM GLAXXO-SMITH-KLEIN


PSYCHIATRIC SAVINGS MULTIPLY AS ROBOTS AUTOMATE JUNGIAN ANALYSIS


POPULAR BAND RESISTS SELLING OUT FOR FOUR DAYS


GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING


SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET


HOUSE SOLD FOR SONG: CELINE DION HIRED TO NOT SHUT UP UNTIL CLOSING



IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE RULING JUNTA OF MYANMAR : "WE WILL FIGHT FOREIGN INTERFERENCE IN OUR PEOPLES' RIGHT TO DIE OF DYSENTERY"

JOHN MCCAIN FORCED TO DENY ADULTERY WITH GEORGIA WOMAN SPY DURING BATTLE OF ANTIETAM


DIESEL ROBOTS TO SAVE FUEL BY ARM-SHARING


BUSH CAUGHT IN LINCOLN BEDROOM TRYING TO APPROVE HIMSELF


UNIV. OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE 147 MILLION U.S. MAN-HOURS WASTED EACH SUMMER BY WATCHING OF GIRLS STRETCHING


ADORABLE KITTENS FACE CHALLENGE WITHDRAWING FROM PAPER SACK


FACING MELTING, POLAR BEARS' LAWYER MAKES ATTEMPT TO PURCHASE CRUISE SHIP


BILL GATES RETIRING TO CATCH UP ON "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"


MODEST PRICE ADVANTAGE AS NEW HONDA RUNS ON MILK


SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET




IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE WALL STREET : "IN THIS DIFFICULT CLIMATE, WHO WILL LOOK OUT FOR LARGE OIL COMPANIES?"

Saturday, May 10, 2008

U.S. SUPREME COURT AWARDS ALASKAN OIL SPILL VICTIMS 10.2 BILLION IN EXXON-MOBIL "FUNBUCKS"

CLINTON TO OBAMA: EXCUSE ME, YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR


PERFORMANCE ARTIST SKATING EDGE WITH "WHY I OWE NO TAXES" INSTALLATION


PROBLEM-SOLVING ROBOTS HIT SNAG ON PROBLEM OF NEW PROBLEM CREATION


ALTERNATIVE ROCK MUSIC LOSES LEASE


GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING


SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET


A DRUNKEN ALAN GREENSPAN INSTIGATES, LOSES FISTFIGHT WITH TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT


LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT ADDS DECORATIVE PIT TO COMMISSIONED HOLE


DETAINEES PROTEST RADIOS WHICH ONLY BROADCAST PLEDGE DRIVES



IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY GENERAL MUSHARAFF: "RETURNING DEMOCRACY WAS A BAD IDEA"

Monday, February 25, 2008

ECONOMY LOOKING FORWARD TO STIMULUS PACKAGE, CANDLELIT DINNER


DICK CHENEY EXPECTED TO EMERGE FROM HIBERNATION SUNDAY, HUNGRY AND IRRITABLE


STUDY: FURTHER STUDY WOULD JUST CONFUSE THINGS


FUNERAL OF MAN WITH 763 MYSPACE FRIENDS NETS 3 PALLBEARERS



GHOSTS IN GHOST CRUISE SHIP HAVE SOMEHOW GAINED WEIGHT


NEO-DRUID CASTS CURSE-SPELL ON RENT-TO-OWN FURNITURE MANAGER


ECONOMIST, BIOLOGIST, CLIMATOLOGIST ALL FAIL TO REASSURE EACH OTHER


LOW-SELF ESTEEM ARCHITECT DESIGNS WORLD'S MOST BEIGE BUILDING


GOOGLE PULLS OUT OF ILL-ADVISED ENTRY INTO PANCAKE BATTER MARKET



IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY DICK MORRIS: "MY OPINION HAS BEEN CANCELED DUE TO AN OVERDRAFT"