DESPERATE FED GIVES JIMMY'S PAWN SHOP $354 BILLION

HALF-WIT ZINGS QUARTER WIT

EMBARASSED ROBOTS NOW SEEKING OTHER TYPES OF PHONE WORK

401(k) now 201(b)

REPORT: IS ALASKA THE NEW WEST VIRGINIA?

McCAIN HANGING ON TO PRO-MELANOMA VOTE

PALIN SHARPLY QUESTIONED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS

HOOTER'S MAKES VICE-PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT

MCCAIN CALLS FOR PUDDING

REPORT: SARAH PALIN ATTENDED FIVE DIFFERENT SECOND GRADES

McCAIN STATEMENT "I HATE WAR" UNDERMINED BY PROFOUND LOVE OF WAR

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS MAKE TENTATIVE IDENTIFICATION OF POPULAR ENGLISH PROFESSOR WHO TOOK PARKING SPACE

CARMEN SANDIEGO CAPTURED AFTER WORLD-WIDE SEARCH; WILL BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES WEATHER: LOOK OUT!