Sunday, May 30, 2004

BUSH SURPRISES DOMINICANS WITH ATTEMPT TO COURT HISPANIC VOTE BY VISITING HISPANIOLA

EPA Proposes Easing Gas Shortage By Subsidizing 4 ton Hummer Riding Mowers

Tampa Goalie Shot By Own Forwards

STUDY: OKAY, THIS KIND OF DANCING MAY ACTUALLY BE ILLEGAL

Burt Reynolds' Moustache Enters Smithsonian

Stocks go Down On Heated Promise Of Reciprocation


Girl at Club Who Keeps Insisting On How Wild She is Seems to Be Refering to Lack of Renter's Insurance

INTRODUCTION OF LOW-CARB DONUT RISKS CIVIL WAR

University of Michigan Study: What Happens in Vegas Stays Mundane And Depressing

Coming Up on Headlines: Why You May Have Accidently Transferred Your 2001 Taxes to a Mrs. Gibbons of Brisbane, Australia

Saturday, May 29, 2004

SURPRISE MOVE BY IRAQ COUNCIL TAPS BEN AFFLECK FOR P.M.

Aardvark Sick of Ants; Will Seek Cheesecake

Tonight Alone, Thousands of Late-Night Meal Orders Expected to Be Served With Insufficient Ketchup Packets

ACTOR PLAYING GERMAN AIRMAN EXPRESSES CONCERN OVER PRETEND SPITFIRES

Dick Cheney Signs Onto Everquest Server as GothPrincess47

Awkward Teenager Badly Mishandles Boob Touching Opportunity

101st Airborne Requisites More Sherbet

Leading Buddhist Scholars Order Exhaustive Karmatic Analysis of Hugh Hefner

Wednesday, May 26, 2004


Study: President's Falling Approval Numbers Making A Sound Comparable to Occassions in Which Wile E. Coyote is Suddenly Handed an Anvil


Iraq Situation Disexplained

Phone Description of Fingerprints Leads FBI To Round Up Tulsa Choc-O-Licious Baking Guild

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Still Unable to Fully Trust E-Ticket Check-In

Plot of "Lord of the Rings" is Re-re-explained to George Bush

Radical Free Ferret Force Frees 5000 Ferrets; Freed Ferrets Ferociously Frolicking Frightens Fifteen Parrots

Gum Industry Lobbyists Move Congress to Declare "Underside of Cafeteria Tables" Week

New York Times Solemnly Regrets Total Butt-Fucking Asslick Reports On Iraq

Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Many Special Sides of You Are All Dangerously Legally Exposed

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

IN MAJOR SPEECH POLICY SHIFT, BUSH WILL INCREASE PAUSE AFTER WORD "FREEDOM" TO A FULL TWO MINUTES

France: "You Call that Begging?"


AMERICA UPS OIL ANTE; OFFERS SAUDIS 50,000 METRIC TONS OF USED VCRS

Kittens' Publicist Attempts to Shake Off "Adorable" Label

MAJOR SHIPPING ERROR AT KRUGER FOODS FILLS L.A. GROCERY STORES EXCLUSIVELY WITH CLAMMATO

Dallas Celebrates Opening of New Public Pudding Utility

WALMART COUNTING ON U.S. PAY INCREASES TO IMPROVE SALES (Real Story-NPR)

Keanu Reeves Uncovers Mysterious Virtual Reality Where He Can Act

HERITAGE FOUNDATION STUDY DEMONSTRATES THAT AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE IS MAKING AMERICAN WORKERS "SOFT"

Terrorists Plan Summer Attack But Run Into Difficulty With Chinese Take-Out Order

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Sprinkles of Terror

Friday, May 21, 2004

ASHCROFT CALLS CONSTITUTION TOO LONG AND BORING; WILL BE REPLACED BY "CLIFF'S RIGHTS"

CONGRESS PROPOSES STEEP NEW TAX ON NOT MAKING MONEY

BOLD NEW PLAN: U.S. Unveils Iraq Presidency Powerball

Jobs Plan, Foresty Reforms Free Central Park for Logging

Ad Agency Asst. Director Gets Down on Knees and Pitifully Begs Major Client to Not Use Bachman Turner Overdrives's "Takin' Care of Business'


Documents Reveal Halliburton Owns Virginia

Ann Coulter Attempts to Annex Sudatenland

Cute Puppy Attracting Attention Thwarts Plan to Slyly Check Out Particularly Fine Booty

George F. Will Admits Latent Hippiness

Cat Shows Adorable Kitten What's What

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

U.S. Launches Preemptive Air Strike Against Michael Eisner

U.N. URGES BAGDAD LEASH LAW

Pentagon City Mall Sales of Mega-Hydroxy Ass-Covering Cream Skyrocket

Botched Suicide with Potato Gun Merely Results in Home Fries

Arctic Researcher Craving Hot Tang

Taking a Page From the Israeli Playbook, Seattle Will Improve Relations Outside of King County by Bulldozing Certain Areas of Tacoma


Small Bird Convinces Adorable Kittens that It is Terribly Dangerous

Sonia Ghandi Also Turns Down Pre-Approved $15,000 Credit Offer

Bush Praises Pricey Gas

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Serial Killer Frost Gunning for Innocent Young Cherry Tomatoes

Monday, May 17, 2004

SYRIA DEMANDS RETURN OF THOUSANDS OF LAWNMOWERS, MILLIONS OF CORDLESS DRILLS BORROWED BY SADAAM IN 1994

Letter Addressed to VP Cheney Found in Capitol Hill Restroom is Signed "Your Loving Bitch, Justice Scalia"


Retracted Denial Refutation Repudiated

University of Michigan Study: South Simply Will Not Rise

Ohio Child PI Suspects City of Cleveland Has Been Hiding Extra Candy in Pretend Garbage Trucks

Boeing Announces New Airliners Will Be Built By Airbus: Meanwhile, Airbus Will Take Over Government Bribery Responsibilities

Courtney Love Sobers Up Enough to Meet, Slap Pope

50 Cent Shut Down By Eldery Lutheran Thrift Store Docent

NY Traffic Magistrate Orders OVERSIZE LOAD Cars to Lead and Follow Donald Trump

Lugubrious Hamster Attempts Suicide By Walking Hamster Ball to Bowling Alley

Coming Up on Headlines: What Sex Can Do for Your Portfolio

Saturday, May 15, 2004

VILLAS, VINEYARDS RISE ACROSS SUBCONTINENT AS SONIA GHANDI INSTITUTES RADICAL PROGRAM OF TUSCANIZATION

Bush Forgives Rummy and It's Hugs All Around at Rose Garden

Police, Firefighters Slash Libraries

In Today's MY TURN: WHY WE MUST ALL STAND BEHIND MY DAFT MONEY-MAKING SCHEME

Country Pop Song Briefly Ameliorates Joyless Existence of Spokane Truck Stop Clerk

Of All the Gin Joints in All the Towns in All The World, I Had to Break My Arm Slipping in My Own Vomit in This One


Merganzer Gooses Schwartzenegger

Tacoma Wisely Changes All Policies

New Fascist Order Will Offer Wide Range of Approved Color Schemes

Adorable Kittens Unable to Resist The Call of the Yarn

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Ordinary Bathroom Soap May Be Harboring Bacteria Sympathetic to Cuba

Thursday, May 13, 2004


  • DONNING TOP HAT AND CAPE, RUMSFELD LEAPS ABOARD ESCAPE DIRIGIBLE

    Local Car Dealership Badly Bungles "Sweet Home Alabama"-like Sales Jingle

    NBC PLUMB OUT OF SHOWS

    Harking Back to More Popular Times, U.S. Army Restages 1943 Invasion of Sicily

    Front Seat Novelty Air Bags Are Pink and Feature a Big Nipple

    WOLFOWITZ INSISTS ON $25 BILLION CHECK MADE OUT TO "CASH"

    DOW'S NEW ANIMAL METAPHOR: A "DUGONG" MARKET MEANS FAT AND HAPPY UNTIL RUN OVER BY CONTAINER SHIPS

    GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 STOOD UP FOR INTERNET COFFEE DATE

    Christiane Amanpour Blows the Lid off Georgia Girl Scouts Human Rights Abuses

    Adorable Kittens Peer Out Window at Reflection in Window

    Ann Coulter Reports Frustration at Inability to Suck Her Own Manhood

    Oversmoking Weasel Wheezy

    RUMSFELD DEFENDS ACTIONS: "I WAS JUST GIVING ORDERS" (Props to: Dr. X)

    VH1's Show of Minor Celebrities Recalling Old, Poor Quality TV Programs Noticeably Increasing Suicide Hotline Calls

    New Fascist Order To Offer 30 Day Money-Back Guarantee

    Coming Up on Headlines: Is the Mob Buying Up Your Student Loans?

    Wednesday, May 12, 2004


  • IRAQ PRISON SCANDAL: US MILITARY POLICE DOG RECEIVES GENERAL COURT MARTIAL

    IRAQ: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

    Sleepy Adorable Kitten Falls Off Washer Into Laundry Hamper

    CALIFORNIA PORN SITUATION: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

    Tom Delay Sporting New "Jerry" Helmet With Spike

    Sony Music Offers Free First Guitar To Muscians That Agree to Sell Out in Junior High

    Sunny Spring Day in 60's Making Goth Chick Extra Grumpy

    PEORIA WASTEWATER TREATMENT BONDS: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

    New Fascist Order's Mandatory Gap Shopping Will Exclude Baby Gap

    MS. BEAD'S KINDERGARTEN NAP TIME: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

    Blairs Offer to Unilaterally Retract Original British Iraq Borders

    TRANSVESTITE PROTOZOANS DISCOVERED IN OLD PEPSI CAN: QUESTIONS, OUTRAGE ENDURE AS SHOCK SUBSIDES

    BUSH: NO QUESTIONS

    Coming Up on Headlines: "Why That Volcano of Yours Ain't Smoking Reefer"

    Tuesday, May 11, 2004


  • PASTRAMI ON RYE TO ADDRESS NATION

    AK-47 Used to Defend San Fernando Valley Family From Host of Maurading Grizzlies with Knives

    Radical Atkins Cell Takes Responsibility for Atlanta Krispy Kreme Explosion: Toll Now Reaches 38 Glazed

    MILITANT OWLS TAKE COMMAND OF SOUTHCENTER MRS. CINNABUNS

    Memory Research Expanded at Micrsoft Hippocampus

    Black Honda Misplaced in Seattle Parking Lot

    Ann Coulter Vehemently Denies Need of Strap-On

    Amazon Warriors Descend on Army-Navy Surplus Sale

    Scientific American Explores Interpretive Dance

    Coming Up on Headlines: Can Your Microwave Malfunction and Pre-Heat Your Brain While You Sleep?

    Monday, May 10, 2004


  • EARTH'S ANIMALS OFFER UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER

    BUSH: RUMSELD "SUPERB," STEVEN SEAGAL "EVOCATIVE", OLIVE GARDEN "DELICIOUSLY AUTHENTIC

    New Fascist Order Will Give Storm Police Cool Shiny Black Outfits and Totally Awesome Martial Arts Training

    ECSTACY, THROBBING TECHNO, TIGHT CLOTHES LEADING TO IRRESPONSIBLE LATE NIGHT ACCOUNTING PRACTICES

    Remorseless Adorable Kitten Corners, Taunts, Devours Ladybug

    Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Steal Agriculture Secretary's Checked Luggage

    East Village Bar Patrons Warmly Embrace New Disney Theme

    Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 In A Bit of a Funk Over Disappearing Earth Languages

    Republican Draft Federal Tax Code Will Include $8000 Deduction for Breast Enlargements

    Jessica Simpson: Bush is "Linthead"

    BATMAN RETORTS: "If Ashcroft Could Get Zombie Francos's Dick Out of His Mouth for One Second"


    Flock of Evil Flying Monkeys Take Iced Mocha Breather at Oz Starbucks

    Sunday, May 09, 2004

    DESPERATE FOR APPROVAL, CONDI RICE APPEARS IN THIS MONTH'S FOREIGN AFFAIRS CENTERFOLD

    President Receives Indignant Letter in Mail: He Is Outraged!

    Halliburton Receives $52 Billion Contract to Move Capitol Hill 24 Yards to the East

    Working in Shifts Over a 36 Hour Period, Surgeons Announce Failure to Remove Wolfowitz Intestinal Cyst From Rumsfeld

    View of Trim, Sexy Motorcycle Girl Blocked By Pallid, Unshaven Actuary

    Facing Declining SUV Sales Due to Gas Prices, Ford Develops Standard V-12 Uranium Reactor Turbine

    Artist Erects Native American Village in Cheyenne Wal Mart Health and Beauty Products Section

    Adorable Kittens dissuade Owners From Baby Bunny Acquisition

    Saturday, May 08, 2004


  • SICILY FLIPS OUT, SCREAMS: "ITALY IS ABOUT TO KICK US!"

    LOVE DEMONSTRATED BY EXTENDED LEASE OF LATE MODEL CAR

    PEACE-LOVING IGUANA BITES BUSH ON ANKLE

    Fog-Bound Flock of Flying Manatees Impales Tons of Blubber on Trump Tower Pokey Bits

    ESTEE LAUDER IRONICALLY SHOT WITH LIPSTICK GUN

    MILWAUKEE SUBURB ERECTS CHEESEHENGE

    Politically Indecisive Santa Termed Independent Clause

    Massive Military Intense Frequency Radar Investigating Solar Corona Detects Murdoch Ego-Waves

    Little Leaguers' Humiliating Performance Totally Inexcusable

    Friday, May 07, 2004


  • REPUBLICAN SENATORS PELT RUMSFELD WITH SOFTBALLS, CUPCAKES AND FLUFFY POWDER BLUE PILLOWS

    Alan Greenspan's Warning Over Troubling Deficits Inspired By Recent Cable Bill

    New Einstein Satellite Determines That Earth Persistently Circles Around It

    Tying Up a Loose Thread From the Democratic Primary, University of Michigan Political Scientists Officially Discredit 'Joe-Mentum'
    "
    Buck Stops in Gravel Pit in Rural Maryland

    U.S. Security Contractor, Mistress Domina, Says Confidently that "Investigators Will Beg For It"

    Adorable Kittens Unable to Acknowledge Deep Inner Loathing and Resentment

    Tired of the Rut and Swapping Conflicts, India Skirmishes in Gaza While Israel Shells a Kashmir Glacier

    Man Comments Favorably on Fresh Donut

    Judge at Bunny Foo-Foo Trial Evidentiary Hearing Allows Inclusion of Field Mouse Sexual History

    Thursday, May 06, 2004


  • TRUMP VOTED OFF AMERICAN TELEVISION

    Contradicting Recent PETA report, McDonald's Denies Potatoes Have Feelings

    Jehovah Announces Outsourcing Creation of Earth to Bangalore

    Dick Cheney Strangely Moved to Take Up Environmental Cause of the Endangered Burrowing Weasel

    Hearing Granted at Bunny Foo-Foo Trial on Dershowitz Motion to Suppress Testimony of Mysterious "4th Mouse"

    WEISENHEIMER OUTSNIDES SMART-ALECK

    Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Severe Pleasantness Storm Descends on Residents of Santa Cruz- Will It Cause Citizens to Panic and Relax?

  • Justice Scalia Cornered By Bowler-Wearing 30's-era Brooklyn Toughs

    GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 BEGINS LISTING TO STARBOARD

    Bush Retracts Apology to Iraqi Prisoners When Informed that "Apology" Means to "Acknowledge That You Have Done Something Wrong"


    Masochists Flooding U.S. Army With Special Requests

    U.S. Mercenaries Reported Considering Better Deal With Visigoths

    1000 Year-Old Pixie Who Lives in Secret Hollow Down By the Magic Creek Calls For Rumsfeld's Resignation

    Under Pressure From Laura, Bush Nearly Finished Mouthing Way Through The Da Vinci Code

    Reports Surface that Kim Jong Il Nuked Ft. Wayne, Indianna In January

    Misinformed Civil War Re-enactors Sail Modified "General Lee" Dodge Charger Through South China Sea

    ATF Cracks Down on Reported Warner Bros. Misuse of Dynamite

    Adorable Kitten Chews Mildly on Adorable Kitten's Ear

    Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Tie Wal Mart Lobbyist's Shoelaces Together at Zoning Variance Hearing

    Tuesday, May 04, 2004



  • ACTION IN MADAGASCAR AS PRESSED MEATS VAN COLLIDES WITH MARSHMELLOW CREAM TRUCK

    POTATO FLAG UNFURLED, JULIENED

    SPRING SUN STRIKES ALASKA, CAUSING MASSIVE WORK EXCUSES

    GAY MARRIAGE BICKERING SETS NEW BICKERING STANDARD

    DISABLED FROG CLEVERLY ADAPTS TOASTER SPRING

    REPORTS CONFIRM ANN COULTER TAKES IT LIKE A MAN

    CREDIT CARD COMPANIES CALL IN DEBT, AMERICA BEGINS "NATIONAL YEAR OF WORKING FOR MASTERCARD"

    Drunk Drives Hummer to Recycling Station, Is Beaten by Hippies

    Zoo Elephant Tired of Bossy Pink Monkeys

    Ascots, Blue Blazers Burn as Fear of "Yacht People" Grips Newport Marina