U.S. Launches Preemptive Air Strike Against Michael Eisner
U.N. URGES BAGDAD LEASH LAW
Pentagon City Mall Sales of Mega-Hydroxy Ass-Covering Cream Skyrocket
Botched Suicide with Potato Gun Merely Results in Home Fries
Arctic Researcher Craving Hot Tang
Taking a Page From the Israeli Playbook, Seattle Will Improve Relations Outside of King County by Bulldozing Certain Areas of Tacoma
Small Bird Convinces Adorable Kittens that It is Terribly Dangerous
Sonia Ghandi Also Turns Down Pre-Approved $15,000 Credit Offer
Bush Praises Pricey Gas
Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Serial Killer Frost Gunning for Innocent Young Cherry Tomatoes