U.S. Launches Preemptive Air Strike Against Michael Eisner

U.N. URGES BAGDAD LEASH LAW

Pentagon City Mall Sales of Mega-Hydroxy Ass-Covering Cream Skyrocket

Botched Suicide with Potato Gun Merely Results in Home Fries

Arctic Researcher Craving Hot Tang

Taking a Page From the Israeli Playbook, Seattle Will Improve Relations Outside of King County by Bulldozing Certain Areas of Tacoma

Small Bird Convinces Adorable Kittens that It is Terribly Dangerous

Sonia Ghandi Also Turns Down Pre-Approved $15,000 Credit Offer

Bush Praises Pricey Gas

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Serial Killer Frost Gunning for Innocent Young Cherry Tomatoes