TRUMP VOTED OFF AMERICAN TELEVISION

Contradicting Recent PETA report, McDonald's Denies Potatoes Have Feelings

Jehovah Announces Outsourcing Creation of Earth to Bangalore

Dick Cheney Strangely Moved to Take Up Environmental Cause of the Endangered Burrowing Weasel

Hearing Granted at Bunny Foo-Foo Trial on Dershowitz Motion to Suppress Testimony of Mysterious "4th Mouse"

WEISENHEIMER OUTSNIDES SMART-ALECK

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Severe Pleasantness Storm Descends on Residents of Santa Cruz- Will It Cause Citizens to Panic and Relax?