DONNING TOP HAT AND CAPE, RUMSFELD LEAPS ABOARD ESCAPE DIRIGIBLE

Local Car Dealership Badly Bungles "Sweet Home Alabama"-like Sales Jingle

NBC PLUMB OUT OF SHOWS

Harking Back to More Popular Times, U.S. Army Restages 1943 Invasion of Sicily

Front Seat Novelty Air Bags Are Pink and Feature a Big Nipple

WOLFOWITZ INSISTS ON $25 BILLION CHECK MADE OUT TO "CASH"

DOW'S NEW ANIMAL METAPHOR: A "DUGONG" MARKET MEANS FAT AND HAPPY UNTIL RUN OVER BY CONTAINER SHIPS

GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 STOOD UP FOR INTERNET COFFEE DATE

Christiane Amanpour Blows the Lid off Georgia Girl Scouts Human Rights Abuses

Adorable Kittens Peer Out Window at Reflection in Window

Ann Coulter Reports Frustration at Inability to Suck Her Own Manhood

Oversmoking Weasel Wheezy

RUMSFELD DEFENDS ACTIONS: "I WAS JUST GIVING ORDERS" (Props to: Dr. X)

VH1's Show of Minor Celebrities Recalling Old, Poor Quality TV Programs Noticeably Increasing Suicide Hotline Calls

New Fascist Order To Offer 30 Day Money-Back Guarantee

Coming Up on Headlines: Is the Mob Buying Up Your Student Loans?