EARTH'S ANIMALS OFFER UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER

BUSH: RUMSELD "SUPERB," STEVEN SEAGAL "EVOCATIVE", OLIVE GARDEN "DELICIOUSLY AUTHENTIC

New Fascist Order Will Give Storm Police Cool Shiny Black Outfits and Totally Awesome Martial Arts Training

ECSTACY, THROBBING TECHNO, TIGHT CLOTHES LEADING TO IRRESPONSIBLE LATE NIGHT ACCOUNTING PRACTICES

Remorseless Adorable Kitten Corners, Taunts, Devours Ladybug

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Steal Agriculture Secretary's Checked Luggage

East Village Bar Patrons Warmly Embrace New Disney Theme

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 In A Bit of a Funk Over Disappearing Earth Languages

Republican Draft Federal Tax Code Will Include $8000 Deduction for Breast Enlargements

Jessica Simpson: Bush is "Linthead"

BATMAN RETORTS: "If Ashcroft Could Get Zombie Francos's Dick Out of His Mouth for One Second"

Flock of Evil Flying Monkeys Take Iced Mocha Breather at Oz Starbucks