Thursday, April 29, 2004



  • HEADLINES: NORTH TO ALASKA! EDITION

    BLINDING GLARE OF SKY ORB ATTRIBUTED TO DISPLEASURE OF CLOUD GOD

    EMBARASSMENT HALTS MEETING WITH CONOCO PHILLIPS AS GOV. MURKOWSKI QUIETLY BEGINS SUCKING CEO'S RING FINGER

    DOG POO SEASON LATE BUT IN FORCE

    6th CAR DISSOLVES INSIDE MULDOON CAR WASH

    Incredible View of Denali Blocked by Clouds, Squalls, Trees, Power Lines, Appleby's Sign, Abandoned K-MART and that Asshole Who Won't Move His Fucking House Trailer


    Again Brushing Aside Hysterical Environmental Concerns, Legislature Requires More Mecury in Drinking Water

    FRONTIER LAWYER TRAPS, SKINS AND TANS HOLDING COMPANY

    Irresponsible Pedestrian Totally Nailed

    Concrete Ordinance Will Require Gray Paint

    University of Alaska Scientists Confirm Secret 10 Year Radiation Experiment in House Majority Chamber

    Coming Up on Headlines: Does Fashion Mean Inevitable Frostbite Amputations?

    Wednesday, April 28, 2004


  • New Alaska Gold Rush Surprises Anchorage Grocery Chain With Crazed Run on Vittles

    Rumseld Presses Congressional Aide for Strawberry Daiquiri

    Water Treatment Bond Discussion Again Re-Slated

    Indianna May Erect Knoll

    Airport Buzzing With Stress

    Adorable Kittens Pass Theoretical Attention Surfeit Limit

    Conservative Religious Interests In France Locate and Picket Place Where Naked Ladies Dance

    Saturday, April 24, 2004



  • MICROSOFT CONSIDERS BUT REJECTS 'RIGHT-OUT-OF-THE-BOX' PRODUCT FUNCTIONALITY

    Travelled, Well-Read Penguin Increasingly Finds Avian Company Insufferable

    Dick Cheney Going to Iraq to Dick It Up Some More

    Zombie Napolean Escapes From Six-Flags Over Elba, Busks For EuRail Pass

    Lutheran Masseur Sets Shiatsu Land-Speed Record

    Adorable Kittens Thoroughly Check Behind Refrigerator

    Coming Up on HEADLINES WEATHER: TIDAL WAVES, EARTHQUAKES, FLOODS AND LOCUSTS: Look Out Iowa!

    Friday, April 23, 2004


  • Organic Food Controversy: Source of Carob Identified as Caribou

    NEW ORLEANS SUBURB MILDLY CONCERNED OVER NARCOLEPTIC VAMPIRES

    VINOPHILLIACS CANNOT STAUNCH FLOW OF SAUCY LITTLE CHATEAU MARGAUX

    PENTAGON PRESS MEMO: U.S.-Hired Mercenaries Should Now Be Referred to As "Security Consultants." Also Groups of Birthday Party Clowns Should Be Referred to as "Physical Comedy Death Squads."

    Study: Ralph Nader May Cause the Death of Us All

    Coming Up on HEADLINES: Why Your Heretofore Amusing British Accents May Try Girlfriend's Patience

    Thursday, April 22, 2004


  • Eddie Murphy Renews Battle to Party All the Time

    $67,000 Lexus Undermined By Vintage Members Only Jacket

    Peoria Dominatrix Blames Embarassing Dungeon Equipment Failure on Substandard Chains Purchased At Target

    Wal Mart Begins Associates Breeding Program

    Adorable Kittens Eschew Ping Pong Ball

    Tacoma Contracts for Third Narrows Bridge That Collapses Safely Every Day For Giggles

    Iraq Secures Moustache Export Contract

    Steve in Plumbing Supplies Would Like You To Know That He Had To Cover For You With Some Customer and Her Lame Faux Hardwood Floor Panels


    Wordsworth Wandering Lonely In the Mall

    University of Michigan Applied Engineering Scientists Report Miami Club Wear Reaching Theoretical Limits

    Wednesday, April 21, 2004


  • WWF REPORTS TO UN THAT U.S. WAS NOT READY TO RUMBLE

    TWISTED SWISS ARMY WILL ENTER BOTTLE OF IRAQI CHIANTI

    DALL SHEEP, LOST IN KANSAS, STANDS FORLORNLY ON TOP OF CAR WASH

    Mosquitos Prepare to Suck

    Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Forgets Email Password That It Just Typed In 83 Times Last Week

    Adolescent's Computer is Actually Used to Study Math

    Alan Greenspan Not Sincerely Invited To Party

    Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Cast Rude, Ostentatious Diners A Wicked Glance Sharpened By a Broad Understanding of Dialectical Materialism

    Coming Up on Headlines: Check Your Policy-The Disclaimer That May Prevent Your Insurance From Covering Events

    Tuesday, April 20, 2004


  • ROME SOURS AS CITY IS SACKED BY RHUBARBARIANS

    U.S. THROWS CURVE BY HANDING OVER IRAQ TO TAHITI

    U.S. HOTTIE SATELLITE PROBE TO TEST EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF FASHION TRENDS

    LAST MINUTE DISAGREEMENT AMONG UNITS STALLS PLANNED FORMATION INTO GROUPS

    New Fascist Order Selects "Soft, Throbbing Techno" As Ubiquitous Background Music

    Iraqi Economy Stumbles as MI Abrams Tank Crushes Magazine Stand

    GOP Helmer Ed Gillespe Forced To Defend Confederate Underwear Decision

    A WHOLE WAR FOR OIL AND GAS PRICES DOUBLE

    Woodward Book: Iraq Kept Stealing Young Wolfowitz's Lunch Money

    Rumsfeld's Grammar Entangles Krygykystan

    Coming Up on Headlines: Why an Administration Official Praises Outsourcing of Marital Relations

    Monday, April 19, 2004


  • CANADA BLAMES PAKISTAN FOR DESTABILIZATION AS YUKON TERRITORY GETS THE BOMB

    WHITE HOUSE: IRAQIS SUPPORTING INSURGENCY ARE STUCK-UP

    TRINIDAD & TOBAGO AND BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA WILL SHOW UNITED FRONT

    Weasel has Been Smoking Too Much

    Nipped by Adorable Kitten, Man Attempting to Change Tire On Incline Leapt In and Rolled Into Harbor, Where His SUV Struck Incoming Grain Ship, Spilling Oatmeal into Water, Which Solidified Just In Time to Prevent Him Being Eaten by School of Six-Gilled Sharks, Explains to the Coast Guard That He is Not Normally Enamoured of Physical Comedy

    BATMAN on 60 Minutes: "That High-Heeled Jackboot Fascist Ashcroft's Pig Ball-Sack Face is Curiously Spewing Mad Cow Shit"

    Coming up on Headlines: Why Blog Viewing May Reverse Cancer

    Republican-Owned Voting Machine Software Runs Perfectly Except for "D=Delete" Error

    Color Blind Girl Remains Convinced Gravel Barge is Full of Jelly Beans

    Polar Bears Charter DC Flight To Smack Around Cheney

    Bush Caught Misusing Lincoln Logs

    Travelling in Bejiing, Murderous Kim Jong Il Enjoys a Refreshing "Sprite"

    Ann Coulter Cut from Buccaneer's Secondary

    Fox News Suing Headlines for Copyright Violation on Making Up News

    Man Bumped Mid-Trip By Long-Defunct Western Airlines and Trapped in Salt Lake Airport for last 25 Years Forced To Rely on Glo-in-the-Dark Dildo Sales to Travelling Mormons

    Hi-Tech Auto Spell Check Pencil Slowly Ground Up

    Own Brain Still Misinforming Republican

    7 Year Old With Walkie-Talkie Reports Successful Communication With Martians

    Sunday, April 18, 2004


  • SUNDAY EDITION: More Made Up Headlines Than The Onion and the New York Times Combined

    Planned Hippie Invasion Of Holland Falters In Eugene, Oregon Pizzaria

    INSIDE: Celery Moguls Tighten Their Iron Grip on Chicken Salad Racket

    CAREERS: Forget it Unless You're Into Hospital Administration

    University of Michigan Comparative Study Indicates that While They Share a Similiar Price Per Pound, Portabella Mushrooms Are Safer, More Delicious But Require More Garlic and Butter than the Chrysler PT Cruiser

    OUTDOORS: A Fantastic Weekend Getaway Deal Before The Superfund Money Dries Up

    BREAKING NEWS: LOOK OUT!

    Asssistant Ecaudoran Tax Assessor Forced By Skeptical Wife to Postpone Dream Trip to Rekyavik

    LIFE: Our Expert Solidifies Your Vague Feelings of Inadequacy

    COMICS: Prince Valiant Faces Detailed Questioning On Youthful Valiance

    REAL ESTATE: A Pricey Deal on a Non-Descript Condo That Will Suck Your Soul Into Drywall Dust

    Wolf Blitzer Busts Out Stamp Collection

    Karl Rove Sends Out Boy Into Cold, Hard, Dirty Streets for More Evil Pills

    Adorable Kittens May Relax On Monday After Busy Relaxing Weekend Relaxing

    Coming Up On Headlines: Why You Must Embrace Wholesale Remainder Carpeting

    Friday, April 16, 2004



  • Responding to a Question About His Most Admired Historical Figures, Bush Names the Famous Bag of Ball-Peen Hammers that Briefly Ruled Latvia in 1622

    Tony Blair Takes Time Out in Conference to Teach Bush Rudimentary English Phrases

    ::::::::::::::::ADORABLE KITTENS SPECIAL REPORT::::::::::::::::

    ADORABLE KITTEN DISCOVERS AMAZING SHINY WATER CREATURE

    Adorable Kittens Seize Bathtub in Desparate Attempt to Prevent Owner Moistening

    Reported Missing for Nearly Two Hours, Adorable Kittens are Located Napping in Box of Receipts

    Adorable Kittens Grateful for New Leather Couch to Sharpen Claws On

    Adorable Kitten Reports to Other Adorable Kitten that Hideout Underneath Car in Driveway Appears Safe for Time Being

    :::::::::::::::Further Adorable Kittens Reports as Events Warrant:::::::::::::

    Every Two Years, Hoardes of Little Kids Gather 'Neath the Window of The New York Times, Little Noses Pressed Against the Glass, to Watch the Art Critics Hard At Work Savaging the Whitney Biennial

    Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Forced to Hire Immigration Attorney To Speed Permit Application to Sell Real Estate

    Coming Up on Headlines: Osama Bin Laden and Your Local 7-11 - What is the Connection?

    Wednesday, April 14, 2004

    BUSH PROMISES TO WORK UP HIS COURAGE FOR POSSIBLE FUTURE PRESS CONFERENCES OR LIGHT OPERA PRODUCTIONS

    After Exhaustive Review of the Literature, University of Michigan Anthropologists Disappointed that Humans Actually Diverged From Giant Lemurs in 1927


    Citing Profit Decline, Clear Channel Cuts Back on Drum Tracks

    Baseball Steroid Scandal Deepens as A's Bat Boy Crushes Beer Vendor's Head Like a Grape

    Incredibly Salty Seattle Sea Cap'n Develops Barnacle Cappucino

    Amazing Lozenge Stops Bullshit in its Tracks

    Dirty Limerick Writer Breaks Guiness World Entendre Record With Quintuple "Shaft Coupling"

    View of Stunning Cafe Vixen Blocked by Display Case of Novelty Christmas Mugs

    WALMART MOVES INTO RETAIL CONSCRIPTION

    City of Seattle Unable to Contain Thai Restaraunt Outbreak

    Mariners's Clock Stripped, Sanded, Scrubbed, Dipped in Xylene, Polished and Waxed

    Gargantuan Sanrio Kitty Monster Crushing Orlando, FLA With Love

    Business School Sponsors "Service to the Nation" Moment

    Coming Up On Headlines Weather: Should You Be Concerned that the Car Won't Start With that Huge Green Glowing Cloud Bearing Down from the North?

    Tuesday, April 13, 2004

    SKI PATROL NAPALMS SNOWMOBILE

    Patrons at "Clown Pie Restaraunt" Disappointed in Prompt, Professional Service

    Stereo Nazi Annexes Car Toys

    BATMAN TO COMMISSION: "JOHN ASHCROFT COULDN'T FIND HIS OWN DICK WITH A CONTOUR MAP AND A TEAM OF GAY COWBOYS"

    RECORD 2 BILLION PEOPLE WINCE IMAGINING WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO POP INTO BUSH'S HEAD

    Distant Star Likes to Pretend to Be Incoming Jet

    Sailboat Report: Sand Point Aptly Named

    Ratings Gambit: Public Television Drops First "L"

    Tinky Winky Apologizes for 9/11

    Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Put Into Mild Depression By Taco Bell Receipt

    Coming Up on Headlines: Does Your Dog Resent Your Thumbs?

    Monday, April 12, 2004

    FRACTION DISCIPLINED BY DENOMINATRIX

    Starbucks Opens Up Canine Latte Market with Starbarks

    Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Place "This Machine Kills Fascists" Sticker on I-Mac

    Harmless Tacoma Intafada Begins With Hurling of Light Beer Cans at Parking Enforcers

    Sunday, April 11, 2004

    Today's Tomorrows' Headlines SUNDAY

    Inside: EASTER BUNNY DUCKS RPG

    BLORNOKS AND ANTI-BLORNOKS UNITE- GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 RUES MISHANDLED INVASION OF GLOBLORNOK 6

    Snowman Climatologist Checks into Fairbanks Betty Ford Clinic

    Outdoors: WESTERN RACCOON COUNCIL WORKING OUT AD CAMPAIGN TO GET HUMANS TO WASH HANDS CONSISTENTLY

    Break in Tyco Scandal Using Secret Wiretap as Barbie Turns States Evidence

    Adorable Kittens Sleeping on TV Have Uncanny Sense They're Being Stared At

    LETTERS: A Record 28 Old Men Complain about Lack of Traffic Light Synchronization

    WOODY GUTHRIE ZOMBIE THROWS LEG AT BOB DYLAN

    International
    -BLAIR: "I'm With Turbo-Doofus"

    Al Jazeera Breaks Into Iraq Feed For Kabul Police Donkey Chase

    Fashion: Dick Cheney Tempted by Silky, Silky Cape

    DR. STRANGE: "I am Sensing that Michael Jackson's Little Red Choo-Choo's Gone Chuggin' Round the Bend"

    SPORTS: When Does Football Start Again?

    Judge Grants Martha Stewart Temporary Satire Injunction

    Gardening:
    Remember Not To Overwater the Undead

    New U.S. Voice-Activated .50 cal Ammunition IDs, Issues Recorded Apology to Non-Combatants

    ARTS- Talentless But Overeducated Hack Sleeps With Gallery Owner

    OPINION - Highly Privileged Woman is Betrayed and Outraged By Au Pair's Comment

    Coming Up on Headlines: Why Jesus May Not Love Just Anyone


    Saturday, April 10, 2004


    SECRET AUGUST 2001 PRESIDENTIAL BRIEFING NOTE REVEALED: "RE: AL QAEDA PLANS TO ATTACK- THIS IS IMPORTANT SO DON'T JUST LEAVE THIS ON THE EMPTY HO-HO WRAPPERS PILE LIKE BEFORE"


    MARKETER FLOATS 'AIR-BRANDING'

    NEPALESE VIDEO GAME STORE OWNER WOULD LIKE TO SEE MORE NEPALESE-THEMED CAR THEFT GAMES

    SNOWMAN CLIMATOLIGIST CLINICALLY DEPRESSED

    University of Michigan Study: U.S. Airports Never To Be Completed

    University of Robots' Robot Scientists' Year-Long Study of Adorable Kittens Fails to Clear Up Mystery of Cute Widdle Fuzzy-Wuzziness

    US Effort in Iraq Now In Sight of Antarctica

    Scandal at Giants/Mariners Game as Barry Bonds' Bat Cracks Open and Splashes Anabolic Steroids all over Umpire

    Stunning Brazilian Model Bounces Check

    Friday, April 09, 2004

    PENTAGON: CLERICAL ERROR BLAMED FOR MISFILING "IRAQ: CIVIL WAR, MAKING A" PLAN IN "IRAQ: DEMOCRACY, PEACEFUL TRANSITION TO" HANGING FOLDER

    AUSTRALIA FLOATS RADICAL WALTZIST PLAN TO REMOVE "AL"

    Thursday, April 08, 2004

    U.S.: Only Shites and Sunnis Behind Uprising, "Zorastrians of the Willing are Still With Us."

    AL Qaeda Begins Chattering Offensive

    BUSH ROOMMATE AT YALE: GEORGE EXPERIMENTED WITH THE TRUTH SEVERAL TIMES IN COLLEGE

    ISRAELI TROOPS TAKE OUT ICE CREAM STAND WHICH WAS HARBORING TINY FROZEN CHERRY-VANILLA SENIOR HAMAS OFFICIALS

    Adorable Kittens Adorablizing Random Pedestrian

    Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Irked by 15th Consecutive Lame Cable Offer

    SHARON CHASES ARAFAT AROUND AND AROUND TREE WITH A 2x4 WITH A RUSTY NAIL IN IT

    RUMSFELD WARNS US TROOPS: "SHOOTING INTO LARGE IRAQI CROWDS APPEARS TO ANGER THEM."

    Investors Say 'Yes May I Have Another' as City of Tallahasse Issues $3 mn in Dominatrix Bonds

    White House Releases August 2001 PBJ and Glass of Milk

    Clear Channel Replacing Howard Stern With Some Uber-Perv in Acquisitions

    CONDI RICE SETS CAUSE OF MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE DATELESS FAR RIGHT-WING FEMALE AFRICAN AMERICAN NEO-CONS EMPLOYED IN NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISING INDUSTRY BACK 50 YEARS


    VIRTUALLY FORGOTTEN DOT-COM GURU CONTINUES TO RAIL AGAINST BRICK AND MORTAR HOUSING

    BUSH LOSING SUPPORT OF NIXON ADMINISTRATION

    Tuesday, April 06, 2004

    The Today's Tomorrow's Headlines Old Standbys Edition

    POLICEMAN FINDS NOTE TAPED TO BACK WHICH SAYS "THIS WAY TO KRISPY KREME"

    KANSAS CITY TAKEN ABACK BY TSUNAMI WARNING

    A FRUSTRATED PRIEST, RABBI, AND ACCOUNTANT WALK INTO THE INFORMATION BOOTH AT THE CHICAGO AIRPORT AND DEMAND DIRECTIONS TO THE BAR

    HIGHLY CRITICIZED GOVERNMENT EFFORT FAILS TO REDUCE THREAT OF CONTINENTAL DRIFT

    WALMART SHELVES NOW STOCKING SMALLER, HEAVILY DISCOUNTED DISCOUNT STORES

    ADORABLE KITTENS TENDER OFFER TO SIT ON LAP

    Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Bust Pinata Bush in the Nuts

    Robot Scientist Who Contributed His Arm to Space Shuttle Would Like It Back if No One is Using It

    BATMAN: "Who in Holy Butt-Fuck Pissed in John Goatfucking Ashcroft's Motherfucking Cheerios?"

    FIRE DESTROYS CRAWFORD, TEXAS LIBRARY - 'BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTRY' MOISTENED AND STAINED

    Sunday, April 04, 2004

    The Today's Tomorrow's Headlines Sunday Edition

    LEGO BAPTIST DENIES THEORY OF INTERLOCKING PLASTIC BLOCKS

    INSIDE: Why This Seven Year Old Boy, Pictured Here, Is Famously Incompetent

    FASHION: Black Turtleneck on Software Marketing Executive Proves Source of Inexhaustable Loathing

    Fearless Gerbil Pulls Toddler From Burning Ferris Wheel

    NATIONAL: Dept. of Defense Political Surveillance of Progressive Web Sites May Result in Secret FBI Investigation. In Related News, The Pentagon is Totally Awesome!!!!:)

    Inside the Auto Section
    : 24 Pages of Why Your Car Shames Your Family

    LOCAL- Woman Born Near Here Appears Briefly in Straight-to-Video Coming of Age Film

    TRAVEL- Albania: Never Go There

    FOOD- Lame Brew-Pub Vaunted By Disreputable Food Editor Who Owes Someone a Favor

    ENTERTAINMENT: Whiff of Patchuli oil Induces Britany Spears to Reject Capitalism

    PETS: Adorable Kittens Transfer Deep Focus to Can Opener

    MEDIA: Woman Reading Sunday Newspaper Fails to Rush Out Suddenly to Buy Discount Consumer Electronics

    Man Apparantly Over-Conscious of New Hat

    With Years of Experience at Having Sucked Earth Dry of Oil, Exxon-Mobil Moves into 12-24 Pop Music Market

    Dogfight Gambling Pool Busted: Marmaduke Undergoes Questioning

    WEATHER: How The Occasional Snow Flurries Will Kill You

    ARTS: Irony in Dangerous Hyperdrive as Precious Moments Takes Over Whitney Biennial

    STYLE: Attract People With Secondary Sex Characteristics

    Success Giving Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 A Swelled Blood Barrier Membrane

    MAN RETURNS AS SEA CUCUMBER WHEN KARMA RESET BUTTON IS ACCIDENTLY BUMPED

    Makers of the Hummer Attempt to Surpress University of Michigan Study on Inverse Size Proportionality

    Reduced Mafia Fails to Intimidate Wiry Thrift Store Docent

    Saturday, April 03, 2004

    HEADLINES TO BAIT DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE WEBCRAWLER SCRUTINY BY PRETENDING TO REVEAL ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE TORPEDO SECRET

    AMERICA'S PROBLEMS TRACED TO EZEEKIAL DE KYPER OF NEW YORK, 1687, WHO TOLD FUTURE INFLUENTIAL BOY "OUR LORD DESIRES US TO GROW PORTLY PLUMP AND YET PERSIST IN CONSTANT MOTION"

    Judge Will Move Tyco Trial to Juvi

    MARTIANS RETURN FROM VACATION TO APPARANT HOME INVASION

    Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Entering ATM Pin Number at Grocery Store Uncertain Whether to Push "Yes," "OK" or "ENTER" Buttons


    Bunny Foo Foo Indicted

    Pfizer Pfaults Pfourth Qtr. Pfinancials

    9/11 Commission Plans to Get Good Laugh From Deliberately Over-Pronouncing "Condeleeeeeza"

    Federation Crewmember Forgiven Yet Again for Nearly Destroying Universe 3rd Time

    57,000 Jobs Added in Government Sector Explaining Away Foreign Policy Debacles

    Friday, April 02, 2004

    WEEBLE COLLAPSES AND DIES

    Outsourcing Software Company Accidently Outsources Jobs All The Way Around the World And Back to Itself

    TECHNOLOGY WILL MAKE THE WORLD SMALLER AGAIN AS PENTAGON DEPLOYS NEW SHRINK RAY

    BUSH AGREES TO THREE DEBATES; FORMAT: 3-SYLLABLE GENERALITIES

    Rush Limbaugh Snorting Ground-Up Twelve-Step Plans

    IT TURNS OUT SHE ALREADY CAME AROUND THE MOUNTAIN SOME TIME WELL BEFORE SHE CAME

    Kidnapped Six-Year Old Located in Wal-Mart at 11PM, Stocking Shelves

    COAL SEAM HOPELESSLY TRAPPED IN FLOWERY MEADOW

    Floating Alien Brain From Nebular-7 Irked by Malfunctioning Hot/Cold Shower Water Knob

    APRIL FOOL'S DAY QUIETLY MOVED TO EARLY NOVEMBER

    Distance from Portland to Seattle Re-estimated at 547 Miles as the Unfocused Drunken Crow O.D.ing
    on Sudafed Flies


    Adorable Kittens Report Bird Missing

    Mudville Joy Tempered

    MOON KNOCKED SLIGHTLY FROM ORBIT BY GRAVITATIONAL PULL OF NEW FORD SUV

    Radioactive Bananas Set off Split Detector

    Jesus Blows Cookies at Passion

    Coming Up on Headlines: Which of Your Personal Weaknesses Has Your Tweens Rifling Through the Liquor Cabinet?