SUNDAY EDITION: More Made Up Headlines Than The Onion and the New York Times Combined

Planned Hippie Invasion Of Holland Falters In Eugene, Oregon Pizzaria

INSIDE: Celery Moguls Tighten Their Iron Grip on Chicken Salad Racket

CAREERS: Forget it Unless You're Into Hospital Administration

University of Michigan Comparative Study Indicates that While They Share a Similiar Price Per Pound, Portabella Mushrooms Are Safer, More Delicious But Require More Garlic and Butter than the Chrysler PT Cruiser

OUTDOORS: A Fantastic Weekend Getaway Deal Before The Superfund Money Dries Up

BREAKING NEWS: LOOK OUT!

Asssistant Ecaudoran Tax Assessor Forced By Skeptical Wife to Postpone Dream Trip to Rekyavik

LIFE: Our Expert Solidifies Your Vague Feelings of Inadequacy

COMICS: Prince Valiant Faces Detailed Questioning On Youthful Valiance

REAL ESTATE: A Pricey Deal on a Non-Descript Condo That Will Suck Your Soul Into Drywall Dust

Wolf Blitzer Busts Out Stamp Collection

Karl Rove Sends Out Boy Into Cold, Hard, Dirty Streets for More Evil Pills

Adorable Kittens May Relax On Monday After Busy Relaxing Weekend Relaxing

Coming Up On Headlines: Why You Must Embrace Wholesale Remainder Carpeting