BUSH PROMISES TO WORK UP HIS COURAGE FOR POSSIBLE FUTURE PRESS CONFERENCES OR LIGHT OPERA PRODUCTIONS

After Exhaustive Review of the Literature, University of Michigan Anthropologists Disappointed that Humans Actually Diverged From Giant Lemurs in 1927

Citing Profit Decline, Clear Channel Cuts Back on Drum Tracks

Baseball Steroid Scandal Deepens as A's Bat Boy Crushes Beer Vendor's Head Like a Grape

Incredibly Salty Seattle Sea Cap'n Develops Barnacle Cappucino

Amazing Lozenge Stops Bullshit in its Tracks

Dirty Limerick Writer Breaks Guiness World Entendre Record With Quintuple "Shaft Coupling"

View of Stunning Cafe Vixen Blocked by Display Case of Novelty Christmas Mugs

WALMART MOVES INTO RETAIL CONSCRIPTION

City of Seattle Unable to Contain Thai Restaraunt Outbreak

Mariners's Clock Stripped, Sanded, Scrubbed, Dipped in Xylene, Polished and Waxed

Gargantuan Sanrio Kitty Monster Crushing Orlando, FLA With Love

Business School Sponsors "Service to the Nation" Moment

Coming Up On Headlines Weather: Should You Be Concerned that the Car Won't Start With that Huge Green Glowing Cloud Bearing Down from the North?