HEADLINES TO BAIT DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE WEBCRAWLER SCRUTINY BY PRETENDING TO REVEAL ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE TORPEDO SECRET

AMERICA'S PROBLEMS TRACED TO EZEEKIAL DE KYPER OF NEW YORK, 1687, WHO TOLD FUTURE INFLUENTIAL BOY "OUR LORD DESIRES US TO GROW PORTLY PLUMP AND YET PERSIST IN CONSTANT MOTION"

Judge Will Move Tyco Trial to Juvi

MARTIANS RETURN FROM VACATION TO APPARANT HOME INVASION

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Entering ATM Pin Number at Grocery Store Uncertain Whether to Push "Yes," "OK" or "ENTER" Buttons

Bunny Foo Foo Indicted

Pfizer Pfaults Pfourth Qtr. Pfinancials

9/11 Commission Plans to Get Good Laugh From Deliberately Over-Pronouncing "Condeleeeeeza"

Federation Crewmember Forgiven Yet Again for Nearly Destroying Universe 3rd Time

57,000 Jobs Added in Government Sector Explaining Away Foreign Policy Debacles