The Today's Tomorrow's Headlines Sunday Edition

LEGO BAPTIST DENIES THEORY OF INTERLOCKING PLASTIC BLOCKS

INSIDE: Why This Seven Year Old Boy, Pictured Here, Is Famously Incompetent

FASHION: Black Turtleneck on Software Marketing Executive Proves Source of Inexhaustable Loathing

Fearless Gerbil Pulls Toddler From Burning Ferris Wheel

NATIONAL: Dept. of Defense Political Surveillance of Progressive Web Sites May Result in Secret FBI Investigation. In Related News, The Pentagon is Totally Awesome!!!!:)

Inside the Auto Section: 24 Pages of Why Your Car Shames Your Family

LOCAL- Woman Born Near Here Appears Briefly in Straight-to-Video Coming of Age Film

TRAVEL- Albania: Never Go There

FOOD- Lame Brew-Pub Vaunted By Disreputable Food Editor Who Owes Someone a Favor

ENTERTAINMENT: Whiff of Patchuli oil Induces Britany Spears to Reject Capitalism

PETS: Adorable Kittens Transfer Deep Focus to Can Opener

MEDIA: Woman Reading Sunday Newspaper Fails to Rush Out Suddenly to Buy Discount Consumer Electronics

Man Apparantly Over-Conscious of New Hat

With Years of Experience at Having Sucked Earth Dry of Oil, Exxon-Mobil Moves into 12-24 Pop Music Market

Dogfight Gambling Pool Busted: Marmaduke Undergoes Questioning

WEATHER: How The Occasional Snow Flurries Will Kill You

ARTS: Irony in Dangerous Hyperdrive as Precious Moments Takes Over Whitney Biennial

STYLE: Attract People With Secondary Sex Characteristics

Success Giving Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 A Swelled Blood Barrier Membrane

MAN RETURNS AS SEA CUCUMBER WHEN KARMA RESET BUTTON IS ACCIDENTLY BUMPED

Makers of the Hummer Attempt to Surpress University of Michigan Study on Inverse Size Proportionality

Reduced Mafia Fails to Intimidate Wiry Thrift Store Docent