Today's Tomorrows' Headlines SUNDAY

Inside: EASTER BUNNY DUCKS RPG

BLORNOKS AND ANTI-BLORNOKS UNITE- GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 RUES MISHANDLED INVASION OF GLOBLORNOK 6

Snowman Climatologist Checks into Fairbanks Betty Ford Clinic

Outdoors: WESTERN RACCOON COUNCIL WORKING OUT AD CAMPAIGN TO GET HUMANS TO WASH HANDS CONSISTENTLY

Break in Tyco Scandal Using Secret Wiretap as Barbie Turns States Evidence

Adorable Kittens Sleeping on TV Have Uncanny Sense They're Being Stared At

LETTERS: A Record 28 Old Men Complain about Lack of Traffic Light Synchronization

WOODY GUTHRIE ZOMBIE THROWS LEG AT BOB DYLAN

International -BLAIR: "I'm With Turbo-Doofus"

Al Jazeera Breaks Into Iraq Feed For Kabul Police Donkey Chase

Fashion: Dick Cheney Tempted by Silky, Silky Cape

DR. STRANGE: "I am Sensing that Michael Jackson's Little Red Choo-Choo's Gone Chuggin' Round the Bend"

SPORTS: When Does Football Start Again?

Judge Grants Martha Stewart Temporary Satire Injunction

Gardening: Remember Not To Overwater the Undead

New U.S. Voice-Activated .50 cal Ammunition IDs, Issues Recorded Apology to Non-Combatants

ARTS- Talentless But Overeducated Hack Sleeps With Gallery Owner

OPINION - Highly Privileged Woman is Betrayed and Outraged By Au Pair's Comment

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Jesus May Not Love Just Anyone