CURSING SARAH PALIN TRAPPED IN WASILLA VOTING BOOTH BY CARELESSLY ABANDONED CHINESE FINGER PUZZLE

MISSION FAILING, KARL ROVE TO RETURN TO HOME PLANET

MILLION OBAMA SUPPORTERS EXPECTED TO GATHER IN CHICAGO; TEN MILLION REPUBLICANS EXPECTED TO GATHER THEMSELVES IN THEIR OWN BASEMENT HOME BUSINESS OFFICES

REPORT: MCCAIN SCARED OF GHOSTS

TED STEVENS HUMBLY AND SINCERELY APOLOGIES FOR HIS ABUSE OF POWER, FELONY CRIMES IN HIGH OFFICE

OBAMA TO MAKE FLOSSING MANDATORY

REPUBLICAN DIASPORA: MILLIONS FLEE TO IDAHO, LOADING ENTIRE GATED COMMUNITIES ON PRIMITIVE WAGONS

UPDATE: MCCAIN PARTICULARLY FRIGHTENED OF GHOST OF SCROOGE MCCDUCK

EARLY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DISRUPTED BY PACK OF ENRAGED HYENAS

HOOTER'S MAKES VICE-PRESIDENTIAL ENDORSEMENT

IN SURPRISE MOVE, MCCAIN CAMPAIGN SENDS DOZENS OF PONIES TO UTAH

SARAH PALIN CLAIMS TO HAVE MEMORIZED THE INTERNET

ADORABLE KITTENS PLAN TO CAPTURE BALL OF YARN, NAP UNDER ITS MIGHTY SHADOW

LOCATED AT IN A DILAPIDATED NEWARK STUDIO APARTMENT AMID EMPTY COORS CANS AND DOMINO'S PIZZA BOXES, CAPITALISM WATCHES GAME SHOWS, TAKES A BONG HIT AND MAKES NO APOLOGIES

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCIENTISTS USE ADVANCED SUPERCOMPUTER TO CRACK "MYSTERIOUS RESEARCH GRANT CODE"

LATE UPDATE: CINDY MCCAIN- GHOST?????

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY AN ENRAGED HYENA: "GIVE ME THAT WILDEBEEST BONE, ASSHOLE!!"