OBAMA MOVES QUICKLY TO CRUSH ANTI-HOPE GROUPS

BRITISH NAVY INTERCEPTS ROGUE CANAPES

MAN WITH DUAL PERSONALITIES SHOOTS SELF, SELF

SOMALI PIRATES CAPTURE TEXAS WATER PARK

MOURNFUL MOOS OF THE CRABCOW FRIGHTEN SHOREFOLK

ALAN GREENSPAN FIRED AS WAL-MART GREETER

SCIENTISTS: MICHIGAN MAY ONCE HAVE BEEN U.S. STATE

STUDY OF STUDY OF STUDIES SHOWS STUDIES OF STUDIES UNDERSTUDIED UNTIL RECENTLY

CALIFORNIA MOVES TO BAN DORK MARRIAGE

JOLLY GREEN GIANT SHOT WITH POTATO GUN

POPE CONDEMNS GOOGLING SELF