JOHN MCCAIN WASTES AFTERNOON LOOKING FOR HANDCRANK TO START BUS

ADORABLE KITTENS STRESS ADORABILITY

CONCERNS EXPRESSED AS HILLARY CLINTON NOW TOSSES BACK AVERAGE 15 SHOTS A DAY

ONION WRITERS' ATTEMPT TO SEND MOTHER'S DAY CARD HOBBLED BY IRONIC SUBTEXT

PFIZER RELEASES "BRANDUMAXOL", WHICH TREATS DEBILITATING ADDICTION TO PURCHASING DRUGS FROM GLAXXO-SMITH-KLEIN

PSYCHIATRIC SAVINGS MULTIPLY AS ROBOTS AUTOMATE JUNGIAN ANALYSIS

POPULAR BAND RESISTS SELLING OUT FOR FOUR DAYS

GHOST OF ORVILLE REDDENBACHER SPRINKLING BUTTER FLAVORING ON THE LIVING

SCIENTISTS: GOOGLING "GOOGLE" MAY DESTROY INTERNET

HOUSE SOLD FOR SONG: CELINE DION HIRED TO NOT SHUT UP UNTIL CLOSING

IN TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES OPINION, BY THE RULING JUNTA OF MYANMAR : "WE WILL FIGHT FOREIGN INTERFERENCE IN OUR PEOPLES' RIGHT TO DIE OF DYSENTERY"