DEBATE: PRESS GRUDGINGLY ADMITS KERRY USED BUSH AS A TYPE OF DENTAL FLOSS

BILLIONAIRE INDICATES U.S. ECONOMIC PERFORMANCE "PRETTY FUCKIN' EXCELLENT"

Rumsfeld Lauds "Incredible Progress" in Iraq, Averaged Over Epoch Since Dawn of Agriculture in Euphrates Valley 9000 Years Ago

Cute Puppy Filled With Fierce Rage at Squeeky Toy Duck

University of Washington Study: Rapidly Growing Population of Attractive Young Women in Fremont Area of Seattle "Potentially Catastrophic"

Fox News Apologizes For Admitting It Made Quotes Up

American Squirrel Association Accused of Persistent Inconsistency

CNN/USA TODAY/ GALLUP POLL - "Fuck Off," 43%

Doctors: Bill O'Reilly Expected to Survive "Episodic Head Bloat," Where Head Randomly and Suddenly Increases to 2, 3, or Even 4 Times its Regular Size

Continued Success of the Onion Driving Artist to Art

Manageble Goals Revolutionaries Stick Post-It With Phrase "You Smell" to the Man

Adorable Kittens Alarmed by Unexpected Phone Call

Profitable Tire Installation Company Cheerfully Installs Tire

Larry King Finds Out How Henry Kissenger Feels

Jimmy Carter Steps Up Demands for Democracy in America; De Toqueville also Wondering What the Hell is Going On

Galveston Wal Mart Sunk In Surprise Raid by Pirates

Asian Outrage Flu May Piss Off Millions

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Upcoming Beautiful Weekend In Florida Expected to Negatively Impact Weather Channel Ad Revenues