BUSH DISMISSES IRAQ KIDNAPPING OF UNICORN PRINCESS

Mistaking Metaphor for Contract, Halliburton Builds $35 Billion Bridge to Future

ZEUS HAD BACKED AL GORE

Pirate Painter is Arrrtist On the Move

Vaguely Liberal Strategists Pronounce Tied Election as Impossible to Win

Beautiful But Deadly Friday's Waitress Infiltrates Appleby's

A Movie is Released In Which Attractive People Experience Problems with Both Zombies and Aliens

Madison WI Trostskyists Argue over Starbucks v. Yuban

Massive $9.50/hr Phlebotomist Shortage Described as Sheer Laziness

Adorable Kittens Displace TP Rolls, Secure Top of Bathroom Cabinet Outpost

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Send Sarcastic Post-It in Business Reply Envelope Back to County GOP Office

Little Nickel Ad Suggests '87 Chevy Conversion Van Re-Discounted For a Reason

Deep Sadness as Dreams of Being Porn Star Termed Unrealistic

Kurdistan Teenager Not Overly-Discouraged By Discovery that New Moustache is Likely Ball-Point in Origin

Wal Mart Greeter Fired For "Welcome To Wal Mart, Tool!" Greeting

Goofy Blown Away

Coming Up on Headlines: White Powdery Substance May Not Be Cracker Residue