Communion Accident Turns Wafers Into Zeus

Private Detective Buddy Gets a Load of Those Gams

Mr. Potatohead, 47, Victim in Gruesome Eastside Murder- Police Seek Atkins Dieter of Interest

GOP Historian Claims Bush is Blithering Genius

Iowa Housewife Stumped by Tomatilla

Reflecting Polls, America Sadly Drops "United" to Become Just "States"

Thread Dangles From Shorts, Adorable Kittens Must Pounce

Froggy Goes A-Courtin', Denies Spy Ring

Committee Investigating Excess Delegation Assigns Committee Assignments

Angry Customer Declares Jihad on Substandard Safeway Brand Nutty Nuts

University of Michigan Report: SLIGHT THREE YEAR INCREASE IN BLITHERING

Hungry Commandos Overthrow Snack Machine

Last Year's Massive East Coast Power Outrage Finally traced to "Clap-On, Clap-Off" Switch Mistakenly Installed at Lincoln Center

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Authorities To Allow Floridians a Four-Day Respite from Running For Their Lives