U.S. DEMANDS IRAN IMMEDIATELY PRETEND TO STOP NUCLEAR WEAPONS PROGRAM

After Recovery of Detailed Arabic Scroll, Secretary Ridge Warns Constantinople of Possible Threat From Ottoman Empire

New Pill Surpresses Brain's Tendency to Reject Expensive Prescription Medication

CEO Resolves Step Up Efforts to Like People

Adorable Kittens Relax by Champagne Bottle Left Near Hot Tub

Mike Tyson Accepts $472 To Intimidate Mean 8th Grader

Disney, Microsoft Attempt to Patent Each Other

Anime Researchers Discover Human Nose

Paris Hilton Determined to Push Through Emergency UN Diplomatic Initiative in Sudan

University of Michigan Reports Planet Earth, Human Race Is Being Exploited, Destroyed So 272,000 Executives Can Be Pressured into Playing Golf

Ann Coulter Rejects "Necrotizing Fasciitus" Label

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Ignore "Do Not Pet" Sign on PetSmart Cat Adoption Cage

Dalai Lama To Embrace Material Being Long Enough to Vote Against President "Mr. Whitebread-Chowderhead"

Roughneck in Denial Appalled By Window Treatment

Patient, Patient's Accounts Suffer Hospital Seizure

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Violent Storm Attributed to Excess of Recently Identified Prozac Tainted Water