CAMPAIGN HONORS LATE RICK JAMES AT PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES WITH OPENING STATEMENT: "I'M JOHN KERRY, BITCH!"

Based on New Translations of Surveillance at Delphi, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge Warns Sparta That Xerxes May Be Headed For Thermopylae

In Wake of Hurricane's Fury, 786, 000 Floridans Left Without Marketing

SHRINK RAY USED TO MINITURIZE FBI AGENTS TO FIT SNUGLY INTO ANARCHIST DREADLOCKS

Senator Harkin Takes Dick Cheney's Hat, Tosses Back and Forth With Max Cleland

Bagdad Car Bomb Stats Decline When Explosions Reclassified as Traffic Delays

Laptop Voting Machine Cut and Paste Error Vaults Hurricane Charley to U.S. Senate

Larry the Assertive Lightbulb Refuses To Be Screwed

Evil Business Manager Proposes Office Final Solutions

Adorable Kittens Express Considerable Fascination With Paper Bag

Nic-Fixed Weasel Wheezy

Freshman Art Major Agrees to Observe Naked Woman

DOJ Clarification: Domestic Terrorism Includes Starbucks Vandalism

Can of Okra Ignored for Months

Molybdenum Voted Most Funnest Element To Pronounce

New Media Artist Pulls Video Installation Out of Ass

Ron Reagan Touts Promise of Stem Cells To Treat That People that Need New Heads

Coming Up on Headlines: Prozac, Lead, and Estrogen in Drinking Water- Why You May Be Turning into Jessica Simpson