CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT RULES HAPPY, CAREFREE MARRIAGE ILLEGAL

U.S. MENS BASKETBALL TEAM DEFIANT AFTER 98-76 LOSS TO MALNOURISHED GIRL SCOUTS FROM ALBANIA

Oil Prices Reach $46, or 178 Blood Drops per Barrel

BUSH WILL REBUILD FLORIDA BY COURAGEOUSLY ISSUING SUBSTANTIAL TAX REBATES FOR WEALTHY FOREIGN INVESTORS

Delaware Socialist, 83, Veteran of Abraham Lincoln Brigade during Spanish Civil War, Outraged at 7-11 Tylenol Price

CNN, NBC, and FOX News Are Reporting that Michael Jackson, Scott Peterson, and Kobe Bryant Walked Into a Bar

GOV SCHWARTZENEGGER ANNOUNCES DREAM HE ANNOUNCED HIS RESIGNATION, STATUS AS GAY AMERICAN

Mountain Top Removal Mining Touted By Coal Industry as Effective Solution to Problem of Excess Numbers of Unsightly Mountain Tops

No Reports of Injuries as Adorable Kittens Fall Asleep Off Bookcase into Large Soft Pile of Pillows

Lonely Man Considers Acquaintance To Be Close Friend

U.S. Objects as Concerned U.S. Redeploys Excited U.S. Troops to Confused U.S.

British Man of Average Intelligence On American Vacation Appreciates Being Considered Well-Educated

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Risk Personal Injury By Putting Political Yard Sign in Rear Window

Coming Up on Headlines: The FBI in Your Socks Drawer: Why It's No Longer Just a Question of "If."