SENSELESS HIGH SCHOOL FASHION SPREE UNCOOLS 6, OUTMODES 14

EYES GLOWING RED, KARL ROVE REVEALS HIS MYSTICAL ABILITY TO CREATE ALTERNATE UNIVERSES

Homeland Security Warns Neanderthals of Possible Displacement by Cro-Magnons From Africa

Hurricane Charley Devastates Blond Right-Wing TV Bimbo Crop

Snowy but Kinky Himalayan Village Boasts Abominatrix

WALRUS STUDY BLASTS DENTAL SCHOOL INCOMPETENCE

Disquiet Waxes as Turned-Off Laptop Shows No Evidence of Weeks of Hard Work

In Quiet Moment, Middle-Aged Superman Rethinks Outfit

Pinchon, OK Public Library Reading of "Leaves of Grass" Taps Pent-Up Desire, Unleashes Clothes Shedding Bacchalinian Reverie

Crestfallen Delaware Architect Also Loses Special Boyhood Paper Clip in Particularly Large Plastic Container of Paper Clips

In Interview, A Bitter Merlin Casts Doubts on Gandalf's Service Against Sauron

Adorable Kittens Carefully Investigate Bathtub

Coming Up on Headlines: That Fed-Ex From Karachi - Is Pakistan Exporting Atomic Weapons Technology to You?