Homeland Security Warns of Risk of Possible Attack By Booth, Raises Ford Theater Alert Level to Orange

OPEC: Oil Being Retooled for Upscale Market

PRESIDENT CALLS FOR GLOBAL EFFORT TO STOP GLOBAL GLOBING

EU Cutbacks Reduce Meter to 98 Centimeters

Washington DC Subway Restaraunt Manager Dismisses Al Qaeda Threat By Unhappy Cold Cut Trio Patron

Mike Tyson Signs $4000 Deal to Beat the Shit Out of a Chicken

University of Michigan Political Scientists ID New Species of Microscopic Voter

Teresa Heinz Kerry Terrorizes Downtown Cincinnati With Cutting Remarks

As Alabama Bans Sex Toys, Cucumber Prices Spike

Bush U.S. Moon Plan Actually NASA Re-Branding of Chinese Moon Plan

Flight to Bay Area Turned Around After Passenger Reports Ann Coulter Seen Going to Restroom

Walmart Announces To Shareholders Plan to Suck Universe Dry

In Move to Stop Terrorists Based on Previous Behavior, NY Area Strippers Will be Armed With Heat Seeking Missles

Chocolate Syrup Tanker Strikes Delicious Uncharted Ice Cream Reef

Adorable Kittens Announce Plans to Sneak Out of The House

Coming Up on Headlines: How Halliburton Ironically Fucked Itself