QUAGMIRE ACCOMPLISHED credit: witty NY protestor

BUSH'S COMMENT THAT WE CAN'T WIN THE WAR ON TERROR MISPOKE; WAS MEANT TO BE "I CAN'T WIN THE WAR ON TERROR"

KOMODO DRAGON WITH RABIES, (R) CONGRESSMAN FROM TX, AVOIDS GOP CONVENTION SPOTLIGHT

LIBERAL ARTS MAJOR RETURNING FROM ST. JOHN'S COLLEGE DIAGNOSED WITH POST-SOCRATIC STRESS SYNDROME

Bong-Toting Hippie Mugged By Gang of 3-Toed Amazon Sloths: "It all Happened So Fast." old punchline!

JOHN MCCAIN: GEORGE BUSH HAS THE COURAGE TO CAJOLE AND INTIMIDATE MODERATE REPUBLICANS INTO AN AWKWARD FACADE OF SUPPORT

Israel Agents with Underachievement Issues Flip Georgetown Barrista

Adorable Kittens Take Down Ferocious Water Buffalo In Their Dreams

Americans Extremely Divided on Whether America is Extremely Divided

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Organize 500,000 Person March But Lose Car Keys in Union Square Through Hole in Shorts Pocket

Welsh Radicals Kidnap French Journalists: Demand Paris "Lose the Attitude"

Managables Goals Revoltionary Singer in Thoroughly Modern Millie Revival Deliberately Gives Her Less Than Best Performance

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular 7 Talked into Unnecessary New Car Undercoating

Working With Pat Robertson, St. Francis of Assisi Condemns Foreign Aid to Ethiopia

Coming Up on Headlines Weather for Candyland: Incoming Hot Cocoa Storm Expected to Bring Chocolate Streams to Flood Stage