Captain Waits For Clear Sign of Trouble Before Bothering Coast Guard


DOCTORS HAD PUZZLED OVER HOW TO KEEP JAMES BROWN QUIET DURING PROSTATE EXAM

Giant Sea Lozenge Terrorizes Esophagus Islands

Desperate Attempt by Doctors to Treat Bird Flu-Striken Jazz Musicians with Heroin

Belgian Boy, 12, Unmpressed By Large Gains in Canadian Agricultural and Lumber Exports

Study: Millons of Quarters Are Lost in so-called "M & M" Gumball Machines Which Actually Dispense an Inferior, Somewhat Chalky Brand of Coated Chocolate

Young Woman Encouraged to Hold Celebrities in High Regard

University of Michigan Scientists Confirm September Observation that Tucker Carlson is a Dick

Artist Swears By Beautiful Women

Iraq Election to Give Florida a "Run for It's Money"

Sensitive Ship Sunk By Cutting Remark

Man Pleased Thrift Store Couch is Rough Sex Resistant

Genetic Modification Allows Tater-Tots to be Planted

US Communist Party Brochure Demand Up Sharply

Plan to Pacify Iraq With Starbucks Holiday Coupons Hits Snag

Adorable Kittens Believe They Suffered Considerable Neglect Since This Afternoon At 3

WALMART SUES NON-SHOPPING AMERICANS

Sen. Kerry Stands By "Fuck You, You Fucking Fuckfaced Fuck" Fax To President

Controversy Rages over GPS Satellite-Tracked Breast Implants With Ability to Pinpoint Location within 2 Centimeters

TV TONIGHT -America's Next Top Model: "Hot?" or "About to Be Run Over By a Jacked Minivan?"

Coming Up on Headlines: The New Intelligence Act And the 1500 Words That Are Unwise to Ever Type in Any Order