RUMSFELD STARES MANY HOURS AT ROMA TOMATO

Scientists Hope Decoding of Chicken Genome Will Lead to Cure for Lime Marinade

Craft Store Chain Says Ineffable Atmosphere of Emptyness and Inevitable Death Part of Original Business Model Drafted by Jean Paul Sartre

Grocery Shopper Creeped Out By Shopping Cart Handle Cooties

Seahawks Receiver Drops Bus Pass

Michael Jackson Denies Having Career in Music as Black Man

Retail Giant Notes Uptick in Jackboot Polish

Adorable Kittens Trip the Light Fantastic, In this Instance Leaping from the Scratching Post Directly to the Drapes

Feeling Too Cheerful? Discuss the Future With A Drunk Biologist

Warm Torrential Weather, Heavy Flooding Explained Over Green Tea As Meterologically Expressed Erotic Symbolism

On TV Tonight: "Celebri-Wannabes" Are To Be Disappointed By The True Nature of Being

Proposed Freeway Project Abandoned After Divorce

Benevolent Market Forces Reward Girl, 10, With Additional Stick of Gum in Packet of Gum for the Same Price

Managable Goals Revolutionaries Leave Out Bush Voters From Flyers for Excellent Party

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Family Resents Your Very Modest Success