ENTIRE U.S. AIRCRAFT CARRIER ABRAHAM LINCOLN BATTLE GROUP SURPRISED AND TAKEN BY GHOST PIRATES OFF THE MYSTERIOUS ISLE OF WOE

PENTAGON BLAMES OCCUPATION DIFFICULTIES ON INEXPERIENCED IRAQI GOVERNMENT

RECURRENT DEADLY EXPLOSIONS SEEN AS NECESSARY STEP FORWARD IN PEACE PROCESS

Alcoholic Alligator Pulled Over Outside Baton Rouge for Driving While Drunk and Cold-Blooded; Tests at .12 and 82 Degrees

A Glowering Dick Cheney Flatly Refuses to Pay Late Fees on "Like Water for Chocolate" When He Never Even Got Around to Watching It

Sadaam Refusing to Eat American Lima Beans

Bush's Frequent Toga Wearing Looking Less and Less Like Frat Nostalgia

Chinese Government Strikes Courageous Blow for The Human Right of Staying In Power Longer

Myrtle the Lesbian Polar Bear is Dissuaded From Releasing Album of Humorous Seal Meat Folk Songs

Rural Young Adults Leaving Family Farm America for Hot Urban Centers Where it Smells Better

Unmanageable Cannibal Mandibles Mishandle Edibile Candles

Supercolliding Superconductor Launches Superfunk Mothership

GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 BALKS AT $3.25 FOR ORANGE JUICE AT DENNY'S

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