BUSH APPEARS IN MISSOURI WITH MUCKLES THE AARDVARK, NEW NATIONAL SECURITY MASCOT, WITH TRADEMARK "ONLY YOU CAN LICK TERRORISM"

Wild Applause as Kerry tells Bush: "And I Vow That I will Crush You As I Now Crush This Plum Tomato"

KRISPY KREME SALES FLATTEN OUT AS BOX ACCIDENTLY LEFT IN PASSENGER SEAT

Quality Foods Moves into Value-Added Gourmet Otter Pops, With Real Otter

New Infinti Coupe With Sophisticated On-Board Sensors Strongly Recommends You Start Walking

Energy Economists Warn the Only Thing With Less Gas Than the Stock Market is our Actual Gas Inventories

Abercrombie and Fitch Faces Busing Plan

9/11 Commission Blames Chad Rower, 42, Asst. Technical Analyst at DIA, for Failing in Aug 2001 to Act After Obtaining Bin Laden's ATM Card

Pfizer Shifts Research Drive From Cure for Resistent Malaria to New Boner Patch

Coming Up on Headlines: The $567 Billion Reflected in Your July Bank Balance May Belong to the Saudi Royal family