Fats Waller Suddenly Pulls Tommy Gun From Stand-Up Piano and Totally Wastes SS Leader Himmler

Wal Mart "Health and Beauty and Preventative Dentention" Section Raises Eyebrows

Mesmerizing Bio-Chemist Unveils New Mesmerizing Spray

Frogs Deluge Fly Muffin Bakery

Dried Haggis Found in Sunken 1972 Ford Bronco Glove Compartment With Note Pinned On It Asking for Emergency Helicopter

Report: Ancients Had Discovered Secret of Avoiding Dish-Pan Hands Hundred of Years Before Jesus Cured the Wrinkle-Fingered

Cambridge University Assoc. Attacks Accreditation of University of People Reading A Lot

Man-Eating Gorilla Had Not Been Given Cupcake Allocation for Over a Month

Ingenious Hi-Tech Invention Renders Letter "Y", Semi-colon Obsolete

Clever Seattle Artist Patents Money

Insurance Company Totally Screws Man Over

Nostradamus Shocker: "I Haven't the Foggiest"

Alan Greenspan Returns "It's A Wonderful Life" Only Partly Rewound

Des Moines Opera's Experimental Version of "Die Fledermaus" is Unrealistic in Depiction of Iowa Farm Life

Coming Up on Headlines: Are Rabid Ferrets Also Massing In Your Company's Locker Room?