WHALE GYNECOLOGIST DISAPPEARS

TOP AL QAEDA LEADER TURNS IN SELF, RESPONDING TO SAUDI AMNESTY, SHIATSU MASSAGE, & FOOD COURT COUPON OFFER

REPORT: CIA FAULTED FOR 2001 BUSH PRETZEL-CHOKING INCIDENT

HOMELAND SECURITY TO POSTPONE ELECTION IN CASE OF TERRORISTIC ACTION, DEFINED AS SUDDEN INVOLUNTARY CHANGE OF U.S. GOVERNMENT

DICK CHENEY GROSSLY UNDERTIPS PAPER BOY, BERATING THAT EVEN A BASICALLY COMPETENT BOY WOULD HAVE THE PAPER THERE EACH AND EVERY DAY BY 4 AM

Courtney Love, Who, on the Lam in New York Drinks 2 Bottles of Goldschlagger and Shoots a Couple of Speedballs Before Stealing Ferrari, Running Over a Clutch of Nuns and Two Boy Scouts in An Attempted Escape As She Crashes It Into Liquid Oxygen Truck Which Explodes and Collapses a Large Section of the Guggenheim, Destroying $340 Million worth of Artwork and Totally Wiping Out a Cotton Candy Stand, And Staggers Down the Street, When She Suddenly Grabs Mayor Bloomberg's Crotch, Then Punches Him Out, Before Passing Out On the Top of the Escalators in Radio City Music Hall, Tumbling Down and Wiping Out Norah Jones Before Vomiting on the Year Old Quintuplets Who Were to Appear On the TODAY Show, Is Arrested

President Abraham Lincoln's Ghost Bitch-Slaps Ann Coulter

Marketing Manager Really Believes in the Product

Necessity for Fancy Raspberry Red Paint Job on New Navy Flying Attack Submarine Questioned