HUBBLE DISCOVERS 100 NEW PLANETS WITH PRACTICALLY UNLIMITED MARKETING OPPORTUNITIES

University of Michigan Scientists Announce Exhaustive Multidisciplinary Study Results: Generally Speaking, Things Aren't Great and Might Be Getting Considerably Worse, But, You Know, Not So Bad for a Lot of People at the Moment, Although Things Suck Something Awful In Quite a Few Places Already

SADAAM FINED 45O DINARS, SENTENCED TO 15.6 MILLION HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE, AND RELEASED ON OWN RECOGNIZANCE

Commercial Campaign Falsely Implies People Are Amused and Delighted By Printer Cartridge

Fuzzy Baby Bunnies Take on Kittens in National Adorable-Off; Bunnies Eaten

Ann Coulter Begins Charging Her Enslaved Child Sex Workers Outrageous Roaming Fees

FCC Institutes Massive Indecency Fines; "Indecency" defined as "Hurtful, Personal Criticism of FCC"

MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS HISTORICAL REVISIONISM