BRANDO: "I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER, INSTEAD OF DEAD WHICH IS WHAT I AM"

KERRY IN VEEP SEARCH REPORTEDLY COURTING OZZY OSBOUNE, TOM DASCHLE, CARROT-TOP

Schwartzeneger Outsourcing Much Government Work to Vienna

New BMW Convertible Comes With Special Button Which Audibly Mocks the Middle Class

A Ferocious Anchorage-Area Grizzly Bear Receives Excellent Credit Rating Qualifying Him for Special 0% Interest Deal on Balance Transfers until July 2005

Radical Atkins Cell Crushes Twinkie Plant With D-9 Cat

Tori Spelling Cures Leukemia

Fox News Editor Catches An Actual Fact Moments Before It is Accidently Reported

Ann Coulter's Orders Random Executions of Her Child Sex Slave Workers Who Were Attempting to Organize a Union

Whoever Stole My Wallet At the Fireworks Show is Thoroughly Un-American

Encouraged By New Stability, Monderant Industries Opens New TNT, Ammunition, Aviation Fuel Factory and Uranium Ore Processing Plant In Fallujah

Adorable Kittens Appear Thoroughly Worn Out

A Murder of Crows Begins Singing "Look At Me..."

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill Out False Information on Grocery Store Discount Card

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Sudanese Militias May Be Looking For You