Late-Edition With Wolf Blitzer Closed Captioning Service Fired After Porn Movie Script Whimsically Substituted

Cult of "Product" Builds Brand Identity, Penetrates Market Share of the Almighty

View of Impressive Decolletage Obscured By Stack of Fair Trade Organic Coffee Cups

Adorable Kittens Fake Their Own Death For The Insurance Money

Sci Fi Channel Viewer Identifies At Least Five Ways these Dorks on the Beach Can Easily Escape the Swarm of Deadly But Still Fairly Tiny Super Ants

Tearful Bichon-Frise Retracts False Story of Adorable Kittens Insurance Death Hoax; Blames Unresolved Feelings of Jealousy, Humiliation of Plastic Neck Cone

ARIZONA SOCIALIST ON VERBAL RAMPAGE AFTER MISTAKENLY GIVEN RASPBERRY FLAVORED COFFEE

Charlie Rose, Putting Aside Standard Interview Technique With Architect Frank Gehry, Instead Spends Entire Hour Silently Sharing a Giant Ice Cream Sundae

Ben Stiller To Star in Comedy

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Company is About to be Denounced By Noam Chomsky