PENTAGON EXPLAINS RUMSFELD HAS BEEN BUSY BETA-TESTING HALF LIFE 2

Bush Vaunts Successful Protection of U.S. From Threat of Northern Invasion

Adminstration Plans to Improve National Forests in Eastern Washington By Dropping Tons of Burning Radioactive Liquid Mecury

Courtney Love Suddenly Explodes - Resulting Shards Are Swept Up and Arrested For
Assault, Possession of Cocaine, and Multiple Outstanding Warrant Violations

Terrorists Strike America's Health Care System, Throwing 50 Million Americans Off Insurance Rolls, and
Thousands into Premature Deaths (Correction: "Investors" -Ed.)

Wildfires Spread Across the Dancefloor, People Shake It Like They Don't Care No More

US 3rd Army Armored Division Moves Into Medford, Oregon in Attempt to Dislodge Heavily Entrenched WalMart

Terrorist Late for Istanbul Meeting But Bake-Sale Brownies Looked Scrumptious

University of Michigan Robot Scientists Reveal That the Flesh is Weak

All Species Removed From Endangered List; Problem Solved

Promise of Attractive Strip-Mall Design Falls Short of Expectations

Adorable Kittens Appear Shaken, Haunted by the Past

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Write "Union Now!" On Dollar Bill Before Putting Into the Starbucks Tip Jar

Coming Up on Headlines: The Scourge of Floraphilla - How Much Do You Really Know About Your Gardener?