U.N. APPROVES U.S. IRAQ PLAN: IRAQI CITIZENS WILL RECEIVE COMMEMORATIVE SHREK II AM RADIO WITH EVERY HAPPY MEAL PURCHASE OF $6 OR MORE

President Was Originally To Join Father on Parachute Jump; Secret Service Nixed Plan After Recalling Disaster Averted in 1978 By the Fortuitous Presence of the Texas Giant Haystack Fair

Huge Reagan Likeness To Be Carved Into Greenland Icewall for the Thoughtful Contemplation of His Frozen Cro-Magnon Contemporaries

Israel Refuses to Pay Palestinian Boys $5 million in Gaza Newspaper Delivery Fees

Headline Writer Seeks Professional Position As Presidential Insultant

Hummer Driver Surprised To Be Run Over by Cement Mixer

U.S. Attempts to Cool Deteriorating Situation Outside of Kabul With New "Afghan Warlord Fantasy IV" For GameCube

American Airlines Touts Flexibility of All Flights Cancelled Policy

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill Out Hundreds of Gay Porn Magazine Subscriptions in the Name of John Ashcroft

Robot Scientists at University of Robots Are Taken Aback When Adorable Kittens Sit on Robot Head

Already Stressed by 4th Identical American Airlines Sandwich in a Row, Giant Floating Brain From Nebular 7 Unable to Buckle Seat Belt Properly

Monica Lewinsky Finally Buys Hummer

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Whatever it is, Your Flight is Cancelled