ALASKA GOVERNOR MURKOWSKI VOWS TO CRUSH THE YUKON
Thelma Removes Spooky Sadaam Mask, Revealing Paul Wolfowitz To Scooby and The Gang; Explains that Weapons of Mass Destruction Were Just Scary Rumors For Frightening Everyone Into Supporting American Military Domination of the Middle East
Bill Clinton Memoir Comes With Racy Trip-Hop Soundtrack
Giant 35 Mile Long Green "HUMID" Letters Floating Over New Orleans
WWII Continues for 17th Straight Year on the History Channel
Adorable Kitten Catastrophically Misjudges Distance to Jump On Table; Does Best to Simply Move On
Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Falls Off Atkins Regimen With Tempting Real New York Cheesecake
Rumsfeld Vows To End Violent Intimidation of Iraqi People, Moves Immediately to Tahiti
National Association of Teachers of English Vote to Remove Use of Word "Freedom" Privileges from John Ashcroft
University of Michigan Scientists Determine That Large Research Grants to Major Midwestern Universities Greatly Increase Male Potency
Hummer Driver Stopped in Gridlock is Overcome by Other Drivers Needing Extreme Emergency Restroom
Coming Up on Headlines: Wolfowitz Curses Meddling Kids