ALASKA GOVERNOR MURKOWSKI VOWS TO CRUSH THE YUKON

Thelma Removes Spooky Sadaam Mask, Revealing Paul Wolfowitz To Scooby and The Gang; Explains that Weapons of Mass Destruction Were Just Scary Rumors For Frightening Everyone Into Supporting American Military Domination of the Middle East

Bill Clinton Memoir Comes With Racy Trip-Hop Soundtrack

Giant 35 Mile Long Green "HUMID" Letters Floating Over New Orleans

WWII Continues for 17th Straight Year on the History Channel

Adorable Kitten Catastrophically Misjudges Distance to Jump On Table; Does Best to Simply Move On

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Falls Off Atkins Regimen With Tempting Real New York Cheesecake

Rumsfeld Vows To End Violent Intimidation of Iraqi People, Moves Immediately to Tahiti

National Association of Teachers of English Vote to Remove Use of Word "Freedom" Privileges from John Ashcroft

University of Michigan Scientists Determine That Large Research Grants to Major Midwestern Universities Greatly Increase Male Potency

Hummer Driver Stopped in Gridlock is Overcome by Other Drivers Needing Extreme Emergency Restroom

Coming Up on Headlines: Wolfowitz Curses Meddling Kids