AGGRIEVED CLOWN WIDOW SUES TINY TRICYCLE MANUFACTURERS

Analysts Worry That Death of Saudi King Might Lead Citizens to Support Terrorism

RELIEF AS AMERICAN 737-700 CRASHES GENTLY AND DELICIOUSLY INTO COTTON CANDY FACTORY

Experts Say Excessively Hot Angelina Jolie Must Be Banned By FCC

Adorable Kittens Demand The Vote, Then Fall Asleep in Sunbeam

Clerk Looks Forward to Summer Career at Office Depot

"Last Clang" as 47,000 Workers Laid Off When Last Boeing Bell Factory in Seattle's Belltown Closes

LATEST REPORT: Wiggams, That Fed Ex Better Be Here By 4:30

University of Michigan Study: Disobedient Boy Responsible for World Hunger

Marketers Sign on Tony Danza for Big DY-1507 Shaft Flange Campaign

Coming Up on Headlines: How a Simple Cheeseburger Threw Carrot Top Into Despair

Contentious Lifestyle Debate Fails to Delay Deployment of New 7th Armored Division

As Casualties Mount, Pizza Hut Pulls Out of Iraq

BOLTON DEMANDS NOMINATION PASSAGE OR HE WILL BEAT UP LITTLE GIRL

US Attack Sub Collides With Uncharted Big Rock Candy Mountain

Rumsfeld Insists Farah Fawcett Replacement Cheryl Ladd Was Marked Improvement in Original Charlie's Angels Lineup

University of Michigan Energy Scientists Thrilled at Discovery of Virtually Untapped Source of Research Grants

Extremely Irritating Old Woman Keeps Standing Quietly Nearby

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Stick Realistic Sphincter Sticker on Yellow Hummer

Adorable Kittens Determine Flushing Handle is Not Friend

FBI Stepping Up Efforts Against Terrorist Hazard of Radical Pro-Bicycling Hippies

LATEST REPORT: Lisa, I Expect the Makita Tools Display to Look Ship-Shape By 4:30

Robot Shoppers Getting Too Friendly With Self-Checkout Machine

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Expect the Thousands of Artificially Generated Tiny Black Holes To Burn Off into 11th Dimensional Space By Noon

1/2 Soup and Tuna Salad Sandwich Special Comes With Side of Love

Radical Anti-Human Robots Hold Frozen French Fry Warehouse Hostage

Despondent Vampire Bat Sitting Upright in Lawn Chair in Daytime Drinking a Snapple

Adorable Kittens Uncover Secret Spider Lair Inside Plastic Cookie Monster Cup

Is Ann Coulter Really a Nazi Cunt? Find Out In Minutes With This Simple Hormone Test

Khmer Rouge Rebrands Itself as High-End Snack Foods Provider

Ghost of Derrida Terrifying English Majors in Graduate Student Housing

Primitive Living Pre-Human Sub-Species Discovered Serving on Kansas School Board

Latest Report: Those Cars Aren't Going to Wash Themselves, Mister

Duck Comedian Hones Hilarious Bufflehead Impersonation

Coming Up on Headlines: Meteorite Insurance - Don't Put it Off Till You See the Burning Track of Sky Fire

Heroic Toddler Saves Town As Fork in Outlet
Sets Fire to Wal Mart

Concern Grows as Iranian Bakery Enriching Wonderbread

Declining World Frog Population Cutting Down on Magical Royal Marriages

Report: God Has Superlative Gravy Recipe

Viscious Mouse Criminal Sentenced to The Springy Chair

Constitution "Tabled"

Disappointment as 32 Ounce Resealable Bag of Fred Meyer "Honey Oaty Rings" Proves Full of Angry, Live Bats

Film History: Walter Pigeon Crapped On Napolean

FBI Taps Trevor's 'Big-Wheel Ice Cream Gang' As Nation's Top Child Terrorist Concern

Premature Ejaculation Drug Release Date Delayed By Thoughts of Baseball Steroid Abuse

Poet Writes Novel Just to Slip in Poetry

Coming Up on Headlines: Adorable Kitten Scientists Believe That the Reality of Tuna Flavoring Must Imply The Existence of Huge, Delicious Tunas

Eighth Grade Science Class Hamster on Suicide Watch

Vatican To Step Up Sarcastic Letters to Editor

The Force Unable to Save Ill-Conceived Date

Disneyworld Guantanamo Less Than Happiest Place on Earth

World Trade Organization Floats Trading Cards

Yoda: "Gay is this Jedi."

Starbucks Backs out of Opening in Chili's inside a Friday's

Minor Chinese Communist Party Official Taken Aback by Unsettling Comments in Das Kapital

Bush Bids Mongols Fear Our Mighty Iron Sky Birds

Secret Pfizer Cancer Cure Released When Hair Growing Side Effect Noted

Adorable Kitten Snuggling Attempt Goes Awry As Unstable Milkshake on Lap Faulted

Southern French Lifestyle Mildly Disrupted by Stale Bagels

LARGE HADRON COLLIDER GO FOR WIPING OUT FILTHY, IRRITATING HADRONS

Rumsfeld Stands By Osmonds 8-Track

Jesus Thumbs Up! on F-22 Advanced Capability Fighter

Google Announces "Search Me" Feature

North Korea Unveils Wicker A-Bomb

EU OKs UK IOU

Rumsfeld Flashes Old Student ID In Attempt to Get Into Syria

Pentagon Invokes Little Known Cub Scout "Permanent Reserves" Subclause

U.S. Treasury Secretary Defends Use of Special Mathematical Properties of Parallel Universe 8!A

Paris Hilton Goes Down Like The Bismark

Condi Rice Over-Stretches Suck-Up Tendon

Fluffy Bunnies' Daisy-Romp Gathering Crushed By Renegade Mine-Tailing Loader

Microsoft Copyrights "Quotes"

Automated Self-Check Out Bag-Emplacement Direction Fills Man With Gnawing Despair

Wedding DJ Badly Misjudges Audience Desire to Hear Bachman Turner Overdrive

Adorable Kittens Suspect Tree Contains Birds

Hummer Owner Ironically Run Over By Shopping Cart

Rabid Bear Refuses to Take Down Last Week's Garage Sale Signs

78 Year Old Benedict XVI Issues Encyclical: All Children To Immediately Vacate Vatican Lawn

Bicycling Bush Reported Lost in West Dakota

BUSH EXPRESSES GROWING FEAR OF CLOWNS

Katie Couric to Focus Reports on Congolese Genocide - Correction, Celebrity Gossip

SCENTED OIL MARKETS DOWN ON DISAPPOINTING MASSAGE THERAPY INDEX

Despite Pleas, Rumsfeld Persists in Sending Fruitcakes to Relatives

Walter is Damn Sure Not Going to Leave the Target Food Court Without A Formal Written Request

Adorable Kittens Lurk in Bag

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Creeps Other Dude in Hotel Sauna

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Superglue Fake Plastic Butt to Hummer Rear Door

Norwegian Girlfriend Going all Psycho or Something

Opinion: Immigration Makeovers are a Great Way to Welcome These Foreigners

LATEST REPORT: The Bleeding has Slowed Down a Bit, But I-90 is Way Jammed

IN-DEPTH- As a Small Towm Tries to Adjust, City Officials Admit "Satanic Capital of the Midwest" is Bringing in Tourists, Dollars

Stock Broker's Wife Collapses on Disappointing Earnings Report

Courageous Illinois Teen Breaks "The Dweeb Barrier"

Rumsfeld Sternly Warns Harvard English Lit Grads to Write Clearly,
Succinctly and Truthfully

CEO of Integrated Cybernetic Dynosystems Samples Clam Bake

Angry Chinese Demonstrators Demand Apology From Belgian Embassy for Appalling War-Time Confectionaries

Mall Security Guard Thrilled to Report Incident

Adminstration's Hannibal Lechter Nomination Faces Questions

Curious Mole-People Spurn Digital Television

Man Feels He May Be Overshadowed in Cell-Phone Group Photo By Beautiful Model

Georgia Fascist Uncertain Where to Safely Dry-Clean Nazi Flag

Opinion: The Water Treatment Bond Measure is Too Boring to Truly Support

Pastor Tempted to Misapply Bible Teaching to Sunday Parking Problem

Adorable Kittens Intrigued By Curious Mole People

Coming Up on Headlines: Why the Centers for Disease Control Are Headed for Your Neighborhood Armed and in Force

Concerned Bush Vows to Defeat Klingons

French Navy Crew Crashes Party, Runs Off With the Chicks

Drunk, Smoking, Obese White Lab Rats Turning Up in Nation's Sports Bars

Condi Rice Refuses Offer of Marriage From Count Roni

Rumsfeld Warns Iraqis that Star Wars III Will "Undoubtedly Be The Greatest Movie Ever Screened"

Man Fends Off Possible Polar Bear Attack With CO2 Spewing Lincoln Navigator

Genetically Modified Hot Dog Disgusts Itself

World's Frailest Man Fractures Eyelash

Opinion: Can't We All Agree To Disagree About Who Gave Leprosy to Whom?

Molehill Slated For Expansion

New Pope To Reblock Pope Hat

Curmudgeon Opposes Aspartame and Kiwi-Lime-Mango Splash in City Water

Coming Up on Headlines: The Earth- One More Convienience And the Jig is Up

John Ratzenberger Has Not, Repeat Not, Been Elected Pope. We regret the error.

Rumsfeld Sternly Warns Himself Against Corruption and Incompetence

Illustrating a Point About Long Term Debt Insecurity, President Whacks Elderly Pensioner With Baseball Bat

Tri-Cities Area Communist Party Declares a General Strike, in the Sense of Trading
Shifts at Powell's Food-Co-Op

In First Assault on Poverty, Wolfowitz At World Bank Moves to Eliminate Capital Gains Taxes for Those in Bangladesh Making Less Than 1500 Rupees A Year

Jewelton, Nebraska Fails In Bid To Make World's Largest Submarine Sandwich by Over Three City Blocks

Hot Chick Distracted by Brochure

OPINION: Sometimes It's Hard to Tell Whether it's Really God or Another Lame Schizophrenic Episode is Talking To You

Angelina Jolie Orders Mixed Greens Salad

Adorable Kittens Blame Faulty, Tempting Wiring

Lugubrious Jones Briefly Cheered By Inexpensive Electric Fireplace

Coming Up on Headlines: After Difficult Negotiations With Maniacal Tobacco Store Clerk , Prince Albert Has Been Released

In Surprise, John Paul II Rewarded in Heaven with 72 Virgins

Primitive Hill People Install Lucrative Ski Lift

Ebert Says Vietnam II Not As Good as Original Vietnam

Quentin Tarrantino Takes Vow of Silence, Or More of a Long Pause Really

Superman Has Finally Had It, May Fly Around World and Reverse Time To Change Presidential Election

Robot Scientists Demand Right to Submit Grant Proposal in Binary

Seattle To Destroy Aging Alaska Way Viaduct With Explosive Pent-Up Emotions

Adorable Kitten Falls Asleep on Other Adorable Kitten, To Considerable Inconvienience

Travel Writer Enjoys Ames, Iowa Denny's Exactly as Much as Boise, Idaho Denny's

Incompetent Clerk Risks Spearing as Conquistador Impatiently Waits in Line to Return Defective 'Phantom Menace' DVD to Target

OPINION: These Outrageous Fuel Prices Are Cutting Into an Average Gas Huffer's Already Limited Budget

LATEST FINDING: Endangered Species Really Love Living Endangerously

Even New Doritos Packaging Fattening

Bush Calls for 'War on Air'

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: These Particular Particulates Won't Take It Lying Down

CARDINALS PONTIFICATE

Noble Fir Appalled by Proximity to Common Pine

OPINION: How Can any Self-Respecting Video Store Call 6 Beta Copies of Ass Pilots IV an Adult Section?

Candyless Man Partly Assuaged by Lozenge

Chaos as Giant Hershey's Kiss Hot Air Balloon Deflates on Top of Dick Cheney

Rumsfeld Lauds Fat Elvis

Smore Mugged; Gingerbread Suspect Missing

FCC To Phase Out Legal Skipping Over Ads

University of Michigan Study: America Also Losing Popularity in America

Man Reconciles Self to Wife's Enormous New Breasts

Couple Who Spent $78,000 on Unsucessful Infertility Treatments Relates to Friend's Loss of Leukemia-Wracked Child in Butane Explosion

Coming Up on Headlines: No matter how tempting at the gas station, don't point to the Hummer and laugh.

Sexy New Computer Features Shaved Connectors

POPE TOTALLY ALIVE AGAIN- FOX Reports

Tom Delay Corruption Query Launched Into Outer Space

Alan Greenspan Found Naked Licking Female Brooklyn Scenester at Club Metro, Blames X, Market Up Sharply

Leaders Laud Pope Plus Reagan for Beating Up Gorbachev in Dark Kiev Alley in 1985, Causing No More Communism

Adorable Kittens Feign Interest

Onion Reader Notes Uncanny Similiarites to Own Pathetic Life

Let's Say U.S. Widget Production Moves to Shanghai

LATEST REPORT: Run!

Icelanders "Most Hilarious" Scandanavians

University of Michigan Study: Strong Correlation Between Cheap Scotch, Humiliating Golf Scores and U.S. Tax Policy

U.S. Consumers Urged to Turn Falling Real Wages, Evaporating Job, Health Care and Retirement Security Into Amazing Opportunity to Buy Shiny Things on Credit

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular Seven Receives Free Teeth Whitening Coupon for New Patients

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Probably Nothing to Worry About Just Yet, But Storing 300 Gallons of Clean Water is Never a Bad Idea

GOD TEMPORARILY POPELESS

Wolfowitz Realizes Life-Long Dream of Chance to Help the Poor

Papal Vestament Makers Expect Robust 4th Quarter

Beer Ad Campaign Apparantly Conceived While Drinking Beer

Report on Pre-War Intelligence Delayed to Order Some Fajitas

Accident-Prone Denver Boy Inconsequentially Upsets Large Display of Bags of Marshmellows

MBA Pteryadactyls launch DyingMeat.Com

Terry Schiavo Urn Clearly Expresses Wish to Live

Tri-Cities Area Communist Party Loses Token Trotskyist to Job at Paint-Ball Arena

Lemming Psychiatrist Sees Plunge in Business

Specialists Dispatched as Rural Arkanasan Diagnosed 'Debonaire'

Adorable Kittens Cease Day's Toil

Amusing Gadget Breaks, Then Fails to Amuse

Pickles the Border Terrrier Indifferent to Post-Structuralism

Manageable Goals Revolutionary Kisses Warm, Soft Account Executive

Bee Union Busted; Workers Will Return Immediately to Ceaseless Buzzing

Queasy Sleaze Eases Breezy Sneeze

Unnecessary High School Work History Form Sucks Man's Eyes Out of Head

Rumsfeld Insists Bob Saget Added Much To America's Funniest Home Videos With Falsetto Witticisms

Certain Holes Gauged As Depressingly Empty

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Feeble, Desperate Clawing at Meaningful Experience is About to Be Professionally Discredited

Gliteratti 'Literal'
----------------------------------------------------------

NEBRASKA REPORTED MISSING

GOTH TEENS INCITE HOT TOPIC WORKERS' REVOLUTION

A.A.R.P. INSISTS BUSH GET OFF THE LAWN

National Gingivitis Association Prepared to Fight Gum Control

U.S. Postal Service Orders 50 Cent to Increase Himself to 54 Cent as of June 30th

Girlfriend Says '87 Corolla Wagon "Mildly Improved" By Sheepskin Seatcover, Not "Pimped"

Vatican: Holy Spirit Taking Zoloft

Gen. Augusto Pinochet Receives Coupon for Free 1-Topping Pizza With Purchase of A Pizza of Equal or Lesser Value

University of Michigan Reports Behavior of Psychology Students Dangerously Over-Studied

Lemur Unswayed

Report: Paul Wolfowitz Pledge to Reduce Poverty Draws Heavily on Jonathon Swift Proposal*

Adorable Kittens Mesmerized By Flossing

"Internet Explorer" Re-Named "Microsoft Virus Bag XP"

University of Robots Robot Scientists Robot Sociology Report Reports Robot Nightmates of Ctrl-Alt-Delete More Common Than Once Computed

View of Young Woman's Impressive Decolletage Ruined by Inexpensive Christian Jewelry

Latest Finding: Seasoned Olive Oil Overated

Poll of Elderly American Moderates Reveals 51% Involuntarily Slapping Selves in Head

Fading Seattle Rock Star Pays Expert to Keep Bass Meticulously in Tune

Biker Leaves Crank Stash in Other Pants

*Caution: Some Headline Jokes May Require Liberal Arts Education

Best Buy Rebate Obtained

Condi Rice Attempts to Charm EU Meeting With Provocative "Fan" Dance

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular 7 Embarassed, Injured After Slipping on a Banana and Tumbling Down Stairs, Finally Rolling to a Wobbly Stop Seven Blocks Later in Front of a Tacoma IHOP

GAO Review Uncovers 1971 "Vietnamization" Memo, Apparantly Mixed Up in Wolfowitz Office With Invasion Plan for Iraq

As a Child Mourns, City Leaders Reflect on Decison to Locate Doggy Day Care Next to Unscrupulous Rendering Plant

Brain Rapidly Filling With Somewhat Incorrect Facts

Tom Delay Denies Accepting '78 El Camino From Crack Lobby

Oncoming Late 80's Fashion Revival, Will, Repeat Will, Pretend Parachute
Pants Never Occurred

Dennis Miller Admitted For Snidectomy

House Plant Fuming

Rumseld Insists "Happy Days" Improved Significantly After Departure of Fonzie

Liberace's Ghost Haunts Rhinestone Mine

Shopping Network Forced to Accept Advertising

Weather Likely To Be Factor In Rain

Additionally, Dick Cheney Attempts to Charm EU Meeting With Provocative "Fan" Dance

Kittens Seek Further Claification on Social Security Scheme

IN LAST-MINUTE DRAMA AT THE RIM OF A SUBURBAN DETROIT TOILET BOWL, CONGRESS STEPS IN TO SAVE GOLDY THE FISH

White House: Bush Enjoys 'Complementary' Relationship With God

Angry Parent Offers to Give What-For

Tri-Cities Area Communist Party Tables Spring Membership Drive

Rumsfeld Insists That RC Cola Is the Best

Aceh Resident Too Embarassed To Tell Trite, Mundane Story of Survival

Zoning Board Action Reclassifies Novelty Bakery as Adult Business

PENTAGON CANCELS ROBOT SURGEONS PROGRAM; NOT ENOUGH ROBOT CADDIES AVAILABLE

White House Spokesman: President, While Absolutely Not Gay, Orally Pleasures Attractive Spokesmen

WalMart Quietly Begins Shooting Associates

PENTAGON REPORTS ROBOT RECRUITMENT SHARPLY DOWN

Report: Bush was Bitten By Strong, Vicious Dollar as A Child

Reality Turns Humorous Vignette Ugly

Pro-Life Shootings Up

Adorable Kittens Damage Computer By Accidently Launching Internet Explorer

Man Strongly Regrets Hat Choice for Hot Date

University of Michigan Study: Huge Fucking Rise in Overall Dumbshit-edness

Tom Delay Crushed To Death By 15 Ton Total Ethical Collapse

Monsters From the ID Sue Makers of Zoloft

Chicken Adjusted To Reduce Wear

Adorable Kittens Suddenly, Horrifically Turn Back on Longstanding Vole Friendship

Florida Man Allows Carrot in Fridge to Quietly Shrivel Up

Cut Loose By Federal Program, Van Gogh's Potato Eaters Run Out of Ketchup

WALMART TO OFFER HEAVILY DISCOUNTED COCK

ANWR Tundra Already Napalmed to Save Time And Possible Regulatory Delay

Billionaire Receiving $48 million in Rebates Now Three Times as Happy as Under Old Tax Plan

NASCAR ORGANIZATION CONDEMNS GENERAL IGNORANCE

Thai Restaraunt Group Denounces Club Sandwich


Despicable Bottom-Dwelling Life-Sucking Whore of a Marketing Fuckface Finds Peace Driving New Jetta

AMA Floats Optional Patient Indenture

Student Completes History Paper; No Casualties

Preacher: Get That Whore Wagon Out of My Freaking Pew

Iowa Man Impresses Date with Intent to
Develop Weapons of Mass Destruction

Paris Hilton Declared Election Victor in Iraq; Says Will Make Iraq "Hot"

Legal Woes Spreading to Classical World as Renowned Violinist Itzahk Perlman
Smacks Down a Vegas Ho

RIAA Sues Austin Teen for Downloaded Song He Really Didn't Like Anyway

Rumsfeld Continues to Insist Paul McCartney Was Best with "Wings"

Bush Recalls Leaving Manhood in Bentley Glove Compartment After Southern Comfort Binge in 1972

Appearance of Toy Robot Nun With Sparking Mouth Has Adorable Kittens At a Total Loss for Words

World Grieves At Loss of Minor Celebrity They Had Pretty Much Forgotten Until This Report

Docs Report Eagles QB McNabb Sickened by Insane, Sadistic Commercialism

Ribald Sausage Comment Lands Jimmy Dean in Hot Water

Large Hadron Super Collider Condemned By Organization for the Protection of Large Hadrons

Secretary Rice Charms France With Child-like Innocence and Wide-Eyed Idealism

Plastic Surgeons Denounce Boob-Gro Herb

Internet Filter Removes Crap but Nothing Left

Understandable Error Thrusts Jimmy Dean into Leadership of Democratic National Committee

IN CONSIDERABLE REVERSAL; SUPREME COURT ALLOWS INTRODUCTION OF TRIAL BY WATER EVIDENCE OF DEMONIC POSSESSION

Cute Puppy Intends to Rip Dead Flesh and Sinew From Bones of Teddy Bear

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Your Underwater Adventure

Israel "Must Respond Swiftly" to Casserole

Microsoft In Anti-Piracy Move Commissions Captain Blood

Dentist Group: Molassses Promotes Tooth Delay

Nuke Plant Engineer Looks Askance at Water Feed into Coffee Dispenser Machine

Doctors ID Stabbing Knife as Source of Heart Trouble

Micheal Jackson Trial To Go Forward While Appearing to Move Backward

Green Party To Initiate "Stike Plan Delta"

Scientists At Jet Propulsion Lab Pronounce Titan "Surprisingly Hot"

SO HELP US GOD

ROBOTS CONVINCE PENTAGON TO RECONSIDER DON'T ASK, DON'T REBOOT POLICY

FREE INAUGURATION MONOCLES, POOR-KICKING BOOTH BIG HITS

Adorable Kittens Demand 'Afternoon Trapped in Entryway' Reparations

Impolite Volcano Interupts

Sea Lion Snitch Turns Walrus Evidence

Titan Moon Probe Reveals "15 to 20" Missing Mars Probes

U.S. to Save Climate With Massive Plutonium Radiation Leak

Suicidal Elephant Tramples Himself

Fauna Again Bests Florida

U.S. SAYS IT ONLY INVADES COUNTRIES TO BLOW OFF A LITTLE STEAM EVERY SO OFTEN

SOCK PLANT SUFFERS DARN EXPLOSION

New Oakland Bridge Cuts Force Radical "Car-tapult" Option

Telekinetic Boy Accidently Stops Bus With Sudden Need to Use Restroom

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Stumped Over Comparative Advantages of Paper Vs. Plastic

Owl Emits Fowl Odor

PENTAGON: REAL NORTH KOREAN MISSLE WOULD HAVE BECOME DISHEARTENED BY DAZZLING ANTI-MISSILE TECHNOLOGY AND CRASHED HARMLESSLY INTO THE NORTH PACIFIC

Bellevue Bakery Offers "Choco-Late Christmas Shopping" In Desperate Bid to Pay of $613K in Mob Gambling Debts

RUMSFELD RELENTLESS IN LOBBYING OSCAR COMMITTEE ON BEHALF OF JENNIFER LOPEZ IN "GIGLI"

ULTRA-DEEP OFFSHORE OIL RIG BREAKS THROUGH TO AUSTRALIAN FRENCH FRY VAT

COMPANY PULLS BULGING, THROBBING, SWEATY PRECIOUS MOMENTS CHARACTER

Giant Floating Brain from Nebular-7 Gets that Not-So-Fresh Hippocampus Feeling

Zombie Sinatra Smacks Around Some Ghost Punk Who Thinks He's Somebody's Ghost

Several Caramelized as Explosion in Milky Way Factory Rains Nougat on Hundreds

Adorable Kittens Perceive Weakness of Puppy, Pounce

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Is Your House Asteroid Blast-Proofed?

Donald Rumsfeld Continues to Insist that 'Star Wars: The Phantom Menace' Is Clearly The Best of the Entire 'Star Wars' Series

Richard the Third Offers Kingdom for Appropriate Ink Jet Cartridge

Panel of Conservative Economists Agree that the Economy is Best Stimulated By Massive Federal Tax Cuts and Transfer Payments to Conservative Economists

Government Animal Survey Predicts Adorable Kittens Will Snuggle

Secular Jewish Family's Christmas Ham Tradition Subjected to In-Law Scrutiny

Cute French Bulldog Exasperated By American Diplomatic Intransigence

University of Michigan Study of Laptop Computers: Dangerous For Men and Their Testicles, But Appropriate For Women and Even Pleasureable, With Simple Attachments

Blue State on Red Alert

EPA Proposes Outlawing Endangered Species

Teen Fails to Approximate Sexual Experience With Couch Pillow

Manageable Goals Revoltionaries Let Air out of Extended Cab Pickup's Tires

Today's AlarmingHeadlines Weather Forecast: Magma-y

Missile Defense System Failure Dismissed; Pentagon Expects 52% of Actual Nuclear Missiles to Be Stopped Before Each Obliterates 10 U.S. Cities

Bush Also Expects to Receive Bonus Cities

Billions of Gallons of Dried Paint Worldwide Awaits Sanding

Superman Pre-Approved

George Lucas Planning to Screw Up "King Lear II"

(Miami) Yacht Builders Vahst and Whyte Charge a Little
Extra at Christmas to Provide Yachts to the Underprivileged

WRECKED ALASKA SOYBEAN SHIP RISKS HOLD TURNING INTO 40,000 TON TOFU BINS - BOCA BURGER COMPANY LAYS SALVAGE CLAIM

Scuttled Homeland Security Nominee Also Owed $154,000 Fines on Overdue Romance Novels Left at the Murder Scene of His Twin Bisexual Irani-Mexican Lovers

Adorable Kittens Lay Out Rights to Comfy Sweater Box

Instead of Trashy Show of Obscene Inaugural Excess, Adminstration Will Give $40 Million to Free Turkeys for Monaco Fund

Shell Gas Station Attendant Planning Revenge

Nantucket Atkins Dieters Demand Historical Whaling Privileges

Climatologists Concerned As Halliburton Subsidiary Quietly Begins Early Planning for Club Med Nunavat

Former Wimp Convicted of Vicious Redondo Beach Assault on Sand Kicker

Holiday Argument Not So Much Settled as Drowned with Pie

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Form Moustache Graffiti
Direct Action Network

Coming Up on Headlines: G.M. Reports on Why Letting Your Children Walk Anywhere is Dangerous and Makes You a Bad Parent

Elementary School Contemporary Art Project
Recontextualizes Unpopular 3rd Grader

Best Buy Complete Home Entertainment System Customer Suddenly Struck By Intense, Generalized Loathing

Angry Tacoma Potato, Accused of Comestic Violence, Shot By Cops in Eye

Adminstration Vows to Build "Arsenal of Incredulity"

Grandmother Confused By Reports That Scott Petersen Is Sentenced to Death by Weasel Injection

Mike Holgren Reportedly Able to Cook White Rice in Less Than Five Minutes Just By Swallowing It

Unhappy Lumberjack Recalls Childhood Beating With 130 Foot White Spruce, Leaving Permanent Spars

Golf Channel Even Boring People Watching Adjacent Channels

Iraqi Teenager Won Over to Freedom By Slightly Ironic Old Navy Ad

Pledge Drive Running Out of Ways to Kiss Up to Seniors, Promises to Have Charlie Rose Personally Kick Children off Lawn

Anna Nicole Smith Awarded Medal of Questionable Use of Freedom

Brilliant Visual Trick Wasted and Forgotten on Phone Commercial

Boiling Outrage Over Neighborhood Speeding May Spark Letter To Editor

That 9th Shot of Tequila To Result in Child Support

As Sun Sets On Congo Can Conglomorate, Robots Rejoice in Reykjavik

Coming Up on Slapstick Headlines: Why Your Family and Their Heads are At Increased Risk From Open Cupboard Doors

Dr. Phil: U.S. Becoming Hated Deliberately To Avoid The Responsibilities of Love


Catastrophic Malaysian Ship's Cook Caserole Recipe Typo Reported: "Soak 23,000 Metric Tons of Soybeans in Salt Water"

Extra Diebold Voting Machines Converted to ATMS; Rural Ohio on Crazed Shopping Spree

Brazillian Hybrid Car is Unique Electric-Llama Power

Official UK Government Inquiry to White House Requests Instructions on Best Type of Toilet Tissue to Use

Adorable Kittens Angry About New Non-Kitten Specific Cat Food

Love Triangle Scandal Rocks Tukwila Best Buy

Egg Salad Nominal

TV Tonight: Fictionalized Graphic Details of Autopsy Will Strangely Cleanse Mind of Inevitability of Death

EPA Backs Social Darwinism

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Interstate 90 is So Gay

Alaska Cargo Ship Disaster Captain Had Accidently Swapped Aleutian Islands Chart With 'Family Circus' Cartoon

GUILTY! SCOTT PETERSON TO FACE DEATH FOR HOGGING NATION'S VALUABLE NEWS TIME

Left Plugged In for Last 6 Weeks, A Diebold Voting Machine Pushes Wisconsin Bush Margin to 535 Million

Fired Assistant Suggests That Stone Cold Bitch Took It All Wrong

SANTA DROPS THE COAL BOMB

CO-PILOT'S ACHINGLY DULL STORY OF REPEATED WINNEBAGO REPAIRS AT MONTANA R.V. DEALERSHIP BEGINING TO ENDANGER FLIGHT 71

Greedly Stripper Falsely Insinuates Future Relationship

BRIGAND PIRATE "CAPTAIN BLOOD" CAPTURES TWINS, JULIA ROBERTS' HEART

FORMER NAZI CAMP GUARD FORCED TO LEAVE AMERICA, WITHDRAW AS HOMELAND SECURITY SECRETARY APPOINTEE

CANADIAN FORCES TAKE BELLINGHAM WITH MINIMAL RESISTANCE

TV Tonight: Mild Eccentrics To Trade Barbed Yet Loving Insults

Adorable Kittens Forced to Lick Embarassing Places in Public

Coming Up on Headlines: Laptop Overheating of Testicles Causing Births of Unholy Antler People

RUMSFELD STARES MANY HOURS AT ROMA TOMATO

Scientists Hope Decoding of Chicken Genome Will Lead to Cure for Lime Marinade

Craft Store Chain Says Ineffable Atmosphere of Emptyness and Inevitable Death Part of Original Business Model Drafted by Jean Paul Sartre

Grocery Shopper Creeped Out By Shopping Cart Handle Cooties

Seahawks Receiver Drops Bus Pass

Michael Jackson Denies Having Career in Music as Black Man

Retail Giant Notes Uptick in Jackboot Polish

Adorable Kittens Trip the Light Fantastic, In this Instance Leaping from the Scratching Post Directly to the Drapes

Feeling Too Cheerful? Discuss the Future With A Drunk Biologist

Warm Torrential Weather, Heavy Flooding Explained Over Green Tea As Meterologically Expressed Erotic Symbolism

On TV Tonight: "Celebri-Wannabes" Are To Be Disappointed By The True Nature of Being

Proposed Freeway Project Abandoned After Divorce

Benevolent Market Forces Reward Girl, 10, With Additional Stick of Gum in Packet of Gum for the Same Price

Managable Goals Revolutionaries Leave Out Bush Voters From Flyers for Excellent Party

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Family Resents Your Very Modest Success

Captain Waits For Clear Sign of Trouble Before Bothering Coast Guard


DOCTORS HAD PUZZLED OVER HOW TO KEEP JAMES BROWN QUIET DURING PROSTATE EXAM

Giant Sea Lozenge Terrorizes Esophagus Islands

Desperate Attempt by Doctors to Treat Bird Flu-Striken Jazz Musicians with Heroin

Belgian Boy, 12, Unmpressed By Large Gains in Canadian Agricultural and Lumber Exports

Study: Millons of Quarters Are Lost in so-called "M & M" Gumball Machines Which Actually Dispense an Inferior, Somewhat Chalky Brand of Coated Chocolate

Young Woman Encouraged to Hold Celebrities in High Regard

University of Michigan Scientists Confirm September Observation that Tucker Carlson is a Dick

Artist Swears By Beautiful Women

Iraq Election to Give Florida a "Run for It's Money"

Sensitive Ship Sunk By Cutting Remark

Man Pleased Thrift Store Couch is Rough Sex Resistant

Genetic Modification Allows Tater-Tots to be Planted

US Communist Party Brochure Demand Up Sharply

Plan to Pacify Iraq With Starbucks Holiday Coupons Hits Snag

Adorable Kittens Believe They Suffered Considerable Neglect Since This Afternoon At 3

WALMART SUES NON-SHOPPING AMERICANS

Sen. Kerry Stands By "Fuck You, You Fucking Fuckfaced Fuck" Fax To President

Controversy Rages over GPS Satellite-Tracked Breast Implants With Ability to Pinpoint Location within 2 Centimeters

TV TONIGHT -America's Next Top Model: "Hot?" or "About to Be Run Over By a Jacked Minivan?"

Coming Up on Headlines: The New Intelligence Act And the 1500 Words That Are Unwise to Ever Type in Any Order

YANKEES ADVANCE TO SERIES AS ASHCROFT "SETS ASIDE" BOSTON PENNANT VICTORY FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY

CNN's "Crossfire" Introduces Paint Guns

Tucker Carlson Successfully Baited By 7 Year Old Girl at Chuck E. Cheese Mock UN

Miracle as Man Walks Away From Deadly PC Crash

Adorable Kittens Intend to Vote for Whomever Has the Liver Paste

Chicken Lawyer Drafts Stern Letter to KFC

DEBATE: PRESS GRUDGINGLY ADMITS KERRY USED BUSH AS A TYPE OF DENTAL FLOSS

BILLIONAIRE INDICATES U.S. ECONOMIC PERFORMANCE "PRETTY FUCKIN' EXCELLENT"

Rumsfeld Lauds "Incredible Progress" in Iraq, Averaged Over Epoch Since Dawn of Agriculture in Euphrates Valley 9000 Years Ago

Cute Puppy Filled With Fierce Rage at Squeeky Toy Duck

University of Washington Study: Rapidly Growing Population of Attractive Young Women in Fremont Area of Seattle "Potentially Catastrophic"

Fox News Apologizes For Admitting It Made Quotes Up

American Squirrel Association Accused of Persistent Inconsistency

CNN/USA TODAY/ GALLUP POLL - "Fuck Off," 43%

Doctors: Bill O'Reilly Expected to Survive "Episodic Head Bloat," Where Head Randomly and Suddenly Increases to 2, 3, or Even 4 Times its Regular Size

Continued Success of the Onion Driving Artist to Art

Manageble Goals Revolutionaries Stick Post-It With Phrase "You Smell" to the Man

Adorable Kittens Alarmed by Unexpected Phone Call

Profitable Tire Installation Company Cheerfully Installs Tire

Larry King Finds Out How Henry Kissenger Feels

Jimmy Carter Steps Up Demands for Democracy in America; De Toqueville also Wondering What the Hell is Going On

Galveston Wal Mart Sunk In Surprise Raid by Pirates

Asian Outrage Flu May Piss Off Millions

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Upcoming Beautiful Weekend In Florida Expected to Negatively Impact Weather Channel Ad Revenues

BUSH DISMISSES IRAQ KIDNAPPING OF UNICORN PRINCESS

Mistaking Metaphor for Contract, Halliburton Builds $35 Billion Bridge to Future

ZEUS HAD BACKED AL GORE

Pirate Painter is Arrrtist On the Move

Vaguely Liberal Strategists Pronounce Tied Election as Impossible to Win

Beautiful But Deadly Friday's Waitress Infiltrates Appleby's

A Movie is Released In Which Attractive People Experience Problems with Both Zombies and Aliens

Madison WI Trostskyists Argue over Starbucks v. Yuban

Massive $9.50/hr Phlebotomist Shortage Described as Sheer Laziness

Adorable Kittens Displace TP Rolls, Secure Top of Bathroom Cabinet Outpost

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Send Sarcastic Post-It in Business Reply Envelope Back to County GOP Office

Little Nickel Ad Suggests '87 Chevy Conversion Van Re-Discounted For a Reason

Deep Sadness as Dreams of Being Porn Star Termed Unrealistic

Kurdistan Teenager Not Overly-Discouraged By Discovery that New Moustache is Likely Ball-Point in Origin

Wal Mart Greeter Fired For "Welcome To Wal Mart, Tool!" Greeting

Goofy Blown Away

Coming Up on Headlines: White Powdery Substance May Not Be Cracker Residue

SPOT NEAR ORLANDO MISSED; ZEUS DEMANDS FIFTH HURRICANE

SHOCKER IN LATEST POLLS AS "STRAIGHT-SHOOTER'"CALIGULA LEADS BY FIVE

College Paper By President Bush Surfaces; TA's Notes Suggest Madagascar is Pretty Obviously Not in Lake Michigan

WAL MART TO OCCUPY THE SET OF ALL POINTS

ADORABLE KITTENS FORCED TO ATTACK BICYCLING MOUSE CARRYING TINY CATNIP CHRISTMAS TREE

Karl Rove Nixes Zoot Suit

Cole Porter Revival At Nascar Event Turns Tragic

Comedian To Make Observation

Mastering of 9th Language by Montanna Woman is Admired Yet Widely Resented

Alaska Legalizes Marijuana For Large Male Brown Bears in Need

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fling Stale Halloween 3 Musketeeers Bar at Pickup with Bush Sticker

Charlie Rose Puts the Beatdown on Punkass Harper's Editor

Controversy as U.S. Military-Industrial Complex Outsources Most Work to
Burkina Faso

Coming Up on HEADLINES Weather: The Undervalued Pleasures of Subterranean Concrete

Jeb Bush Taunts Hurricane Ivan as "Girly Weather"

COMMUNIST PLOT OVERTHROWS MARYLAND STARBUCKS TABLE WITH THE NICE VIEW

Aunt Esmerelda Shoots Son in Law Such a Look

Balloonhead Economist Expects Deflation

Adorable Kittens Unable to Post Bail

Salmon Run Numbers Collapse Made Up For in Weight

Ryder

Communion Accident Turns Wafers Into Zeus

Private Detective Buddy Gets a Load of Those Gams

Mr. Potatohead, 47, Victim in Gruesome Eastside Murder- Police Seek Atkins Dieter of Interest

GOP Historian Claims Bush is Blithering Genius

Iowa Housewife Stumped by Tomatilla

Reflecting Polls, America Sadly Drops "United" to Become Just "States"

Thread Dangles From Shorts, Adorable Kittens Must Pounce

Froggy Goes A-Courtin', Denies Spy Ring

Committee Investigating Excess Delegation Assigns Committee Assignments

Angry Customer Declares Jihad on Substandard Safeway Brand Nutty Nuts

University of Michigan Report: SLIGHT THREE YEAR INCREASE IN BLITHERING

Hungry Commandos Overthrow Snack Machine

Last Year's Massive East Coast Power Outrage Finally traced to "Clap-On, Clap-Off" Switch Mistakenly Installed at Lincoln Center

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Authorities To Allow Floridians a Four-Day Respite from Running For Their Lives

F-28 ANGELS SECURE MIDDLE EAST AIRSPACE giotto

QUAGMIRE ACCOMPLISHED credit: witty NY protestor

BUSH'S COMMENT THAT WE CAN'T WIN THE WAR ON TERROR MISPOKE; WAS MEANT TO BE "I CAN'T WIN THE WAR ON TERROR"

KOMODO DRAGON WITH RABIES, (R) CONGRESSMAN FROM TX, AVOIDS GOP CONVENTION SPOTLIGHT

LIBERAL ARTS MAJOR RETURNING FROM ST. JOHN'S COLLEGE DIAGNOSED WITH POST-SOCRATIC STRESS SYNDROME

Bong-Toting Hippie Mugged By Gang of 3-Toed Amazon Sloths: "It all Happened So Fast." old punchline!

JOHN MCCAIN: GEORGE BUSH HAS THE COURAGE TO CAJOLE AND INTIMIDATE MODERATE REPUBLICANS INTO AN AWKWARD FACADE OF SUPPORT

Israel Agents with Underachievement Issues Flip Georgetown Barrista

Adorable Kittens Take Down Ferocious Water Buffalo In Their Dreams

Americans Extremely Divided on Whether America is Extremely Divided

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Organize 500,000 Person March But Lose Car Keys in Union Square Through Hole in Shorts Pocket

Welsh Radicals Kidnap French Journalists: Demand Paris "Lose the Attitude"

Managables Goals Revoltionary Singer in Thoroughly Modern Millie Revival Deliberately Gives Her Less Than Best Performance

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular 7 Talked into Unnecessary New Car Undercoating

Working With Pat Robertson, St. Francis of Assisi Condemns Foreign Aid to Ethiopia

Coming Up on Headlines Weather for Candyland: Incoming Hot Cocoa Storm Expected to Bring Chocolate Streams to Flood Stage

Venus Again Relaxed

ALABAMA AIR NATIONAL GUARD VETS ACCUSE BUSH OF LYING ABOUT 1972 BEER BONG RECORD

"Timmy's" Executive Order 417 Suspends U.S. Constitution

Fascist Traffic Court Judge With Obvious Personal Vendetta Stung Witless By Letter to Editor

GOP MODERATES CALL FOR BAN ON DIRTY THOUGHTS BROUGHT TO MIND BY CALLING FOR BAN ON DIRTY THOUGHTS

2 GRAD STUDENTS SLIGHTLY INJURED AS UNIV. OF WASHINGTON APPLIED PHYSICS LABORATORY VAN ROLLS KINETICALLY OFF CLIFF

Giant Floating Brain From Nebular-7 Resolves to Lose That Unsightly Cellulite that Tends to Build Up Around the Cerebellum

Doctors Drain Fluids From Injured Pirate - Get Rum Punch

Walter Asks Leave to Express His Hostility

Proud New Ring Tone Owner is Beaten to Death at Ballet

Adorable Kittens To Nestle on Labrador

Vicious Terrorist Intrigued By 24 free Red Lobster Dinners With Windshield Replacement Offer

Steaming Hot Pastrami Sandwich Denounces GOP Convention

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Give Voter Registration Form to Nice Guy on the Bus

Ballet Company Dancers Expresses Remorse for Death of Country Star Toby Keith

Uma Thurman Again Missing Incredible Dinner Opportunity in Seattle

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: What's About to Make Hurricane Charley look Like Hurricane Mother Teresa

Nude Walks Backwards Up Stairs g. richter

Employees' Health Care Concerns Addressed With Thousands of New Robots

Stand-Off In Najaf Ends, Iraqi Government Will Send 71 Virgins Immediately

Affidavit: "Hulk Say Sean Hannity is Goering's Bat-Faced Pomeranian"

Radioactive Stream Pollution Rapidly Evolving Muskrats in Music Industry Executives

Enron Tapes Detail Exec's $12 Million Phone Sex Call to 1-800-ShavedMen

U.S. BASKETBALL TEAM BREAKS OUT MONSTER BONG IN THIRD QUARTER

Accusations of "One-Upsman-Evilship" Fly Between Sudan and Congo

Bush: I Honked More Blow Than Any Boatload of Vietnam Guys

Saudi Scientist Nearly Discovers Clitoris

In Compromise with Feds, Martha Stewart's Taxes Will Be Cut

Impressed Judge Agrees Quantum Physicist May or May Not Have Exceeded Time on Parking Meter

Dick Cheney Seen Skipping Through Field of Daisies

Microsoft Patents Alphabet, All Products Resulting From Alphabet (c) 2004 Microsoft Corp.

6 Cheese 3-Meat Pizza Hits Floor Out of Oven, Dies of Heart Attack

In Nerd Fantasy Compromise, Liv Tyler Agrees to Pretend to Not be Married

Adorable Kittens Reportedly Sanguine About Upcoming Week

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Fill in Karl Rove's Email on Several Gay Porn Sites

Neo-Kierkegardian Philospher To Increase Market Penetration

St. Francis of Assisi Concerned About For-Profit Health Care Industry's Liability Exposure; Luke Decries Excessive Malpractice Awards

Walter Wants His Effin Money

COMING UP ON HEADLINES: How You Can Personally Stop Global Warming, And Why the Mink Oil Lobby Won't Tell You

Crew Craze Breaks Out in Compton

SENSELESS HIGH SCHOOL FASHION SPREE UNCOOLS 6, OUTMODES 14

EYES GLOWING RED, KARL ROVE REVEALS HIS MYSTICAL ABILITY TO CREATE ALTERNATE UNIVERSES

Homeland Security Warns Neanderthals of Possible Displacement by Cro-Magnons From Africa

Hurricane Charley Devastates Blond Right-Wing TV Bimbo Crop

Snowy but Kinky Himalayan Village Boasts Abominatrix

WALRUS STUDY BLASTS DENTAL SCHOOL INCOMPETENCE

Disquiet Waxes as Turned-Off Laptop Shows No Evidence of Weeks of Hard Work

In Quiet Moment, Middle-Aged Superman Rethinks Outfit

Pinchon, OK Public Library Reading of "Leaves of Grass" Taps Pent-Up Desire, Unleashes Clothes Shedding Bacchalinian Reverie

Crestfallen Delaware Architect Also Loses Special Boyhood Paper Clip in Particularly Large Plastic Container of Paper Clips

In Interview, A Bitter Merlin Casts Doubts on Gandalf's Service Against Sauron

Adorable Kittens Carefully Investigate Bathtub

Coming Up on Headlines: That Fed-Ex From Karachi - Is Pakistan Exporting Atomic Weapons Technology to You?

Category 4 Allegory Sweeps Over Holland

CAMPAIGN HONORS LATE RICK JAMES AT PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES WITH OPENING STATEMENT: "I'M JOHN KERRY, BITCH!"

Based on New Translations of Surveillance at Delphi, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge Warns Sparta That Xerxes May Be Headed For Thermopylae

In Wake of Hurricane's Fury, 786, 000 Floridans Left Without Marketing

SHRINK RAY USED TO MINITURIZE FBI AGENTS TO FIT SNUGLY INTO ANARCHIST DREADLOCKS

Senator Harkin Takes Dick Cheney's Hat, Tosses Back and Forth With Max Cleland

Bagdad Car Bomb Stats Decline When Explosions Reclassified as Traffic Delays

Laptop Voting Machine Cut and Paste Error Vaults Hurricane Charley to U.S. Senate

Larry the Assertive Lightbulb Refuses To Be Screwed

Evil Business Manager Proposes Office Final Solutions

Adorable Kittens Express Considerable Fascination With Paper Bag

Nic-Fixed Weasel Wheezy

Freshman Art Major Agrees to Observe Naked Woman

DOJ Clarification: Domestic Terrorism Includes Starbucks Vandalism

Can of Okra Ignored for Months

Molybdenum Voted Most Funnest Element To Pronounce

New Media Artist Pulls Video Installation Out of Ass

Ron Reagan Touts Promise of Stem Cells To Treat That People that Need New Heads

Coming Up on Headlines: Prozac, Lead, and Estrogen in Drinking Water- Why You May Be Turning into Jessica Simpson

CITY ATTACKED BY PREPOSTERASAUROUS

Comprehensive Selection of Ink Jet Cartridges Arrives

CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT RULES HAPPY, CAREFREE MARRIAGE ILLEGAL

U.S. MENS BASKETBALL TEAM DEFIANT AFTER 98-76 LOSS TO MALNOURISHED GIRL SCOUTS FROM ALBANIA

Oil Prices Reach $46, or 178 Blood Drops per Barrel

BUSH WILL REBUILD FLORIDA BY COURAGEOUSLY ISSUING SUBSTANTIAL TAX REBATES FOR WEALTHY FOREIGN INVESTORS

Delaware Socialist, 83, Veteran of Abraham Lincoln Brigade during Spanish Civil War, Outraged at 7-11 Tylenol Price

CNN, NBC, and FOX News Are Reporting that Michael Jackson, Scott Peterson, and Kobe Bryant Walked Into a Bar

GOV SCHWARTZENEGGER ANNOUNCES DREAM HE ANNOUNCED HIS RESIGNATION, STATUS AS GAY AMERICAN

Mountain Top Removal Mining Touted By Coal Industry as Effective Solution to Problem of Excess Numbers of Unsightly Mountain Tops

No Reports of Injuries as Adorable Kittens Fall Asleep Off Bookcase into Large Soft Pile of Pillows

Lonely Man Considers Acquaintance To Be Close Friend

U.S. Objects as Concerned U.S. Redeploys Excited U.S. Troops to Confused U.S.

British Man of Average Intelligence On American Vacation Appreciates Being Considered Well-Educated

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Risk Personal Injury By Putting Political Yard Sign in Rear Window

Coming Up on Headlines: The FBI in Your Socks Drawer: Why It's No Longer Just a Question of "If."

Tiny Lion Season Opens 

Terrorists Still Threatening Las Vegas, Reports Reno Chamber of Commerce

Study: Adorable Kittens Dream of Kitty Food, Yarn, Mice, Other Kittens

Biotech Futurists Describe Bright Future for Genetically Engineered Futurists

Martha Stewart Purchases Comprehensive Guidebook on Current Prison Slang

Federal Energy Regulatory Commission Approves $3 Billion Sale of Secretly Pretend Electricity Futures

Wiccan's Fumbling Attempts to Cast Curse Spell on DMV Staffer Results in Poor ID Picture Quality

Car Sold at Value

Postal Employee Tiring of Flag Stamp

Manageble Goals Revolutionary Asks Grocery Clerk About Upcoming Health Care Negotiations

University of Michigan Scientists Report Global Warming Expected to Soon Destroy Beachside Homes Owned Mostly By People Who Poo-Poo Global Warming

Atkins Cult Gains Following

U.S. DEMANDS IRAN IMMEDIATELY PRETEND TO STOP NUCLEAR WEAPONS PROGRAM

After Recovery of Detailed Arabic Scroll, Secretary Ridge Warns Constantinople of Possible Threat From Ottoman Empire

New Pill Surpresses Brain's Tendency to Reject Expensive Prescription Medication

CEO Resolves Step Up Efforts to Like People

Adorable Kittens Relax by Champagne Bottle Left Near Hot Tub

Mike Tyson Accepts $472 To Intimidate Mean 8th Grader

Disney, Microsoft Attempt to Patent Each Other

Anime Researchers Discover Human Nose

Paris Hilton Determined to Push Through Emergency UN Diplomatic Initiative in Sudan

University of Michigan Reports Planet Earth, Human Race Is Being Exploited, Destroyed So 272,000 Executives Can Be Pressured into Playing Golf

Ann Coulter Rejects "Necrotizing Fasciitus" Label

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Ignore "Do Not Pet" Sign on PetSmart Cat Adoption Cage

Dalai Lama To Embrace Material Being Long Enough to Vote Against President "Mr. Whitebread-Chowderhead"

Roughneck in Denial Appalled By Window Treatment

Patient, Patient's Accounts Suffer Hospital Seizure

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: Violent Storm Attributed to Excess of Recently Identified Prozac Tainted Water

Coming Up on Headlines WEATHER: 72 and Arsony

Homeland Security Warns of Risk of Possible Attack By Booth, Raises Ford Theater Alert Level to Orange

OPEC: Oil Being Retooled for Upscale Market

PRESIDENT CALLS FOR GLOBAL EFFORT TO STOP GLOBAL GLOBING

EU Cutbacks Reduce Meter to 98 Centimeters

Washington DC Subway Restaraunt Manager Dismisses Al Qaeda Threat By Unhappy Cold Cut Trio Patron

Mike Tyson Signs $4000 Deal to Beat the Shit Out of a Chicken

University of Michigan Political Scientists ID New Species of Microscopic Voter

Teresa Heinz Kerry Terrorizes Downtown Cincinnati With Cutting Remarks

As Alabama Bans Sex Toys, Cucumber Prices Spike

Bush U.S. Moon Plan Actually NASA Re-Branding of Chinese Moon Plan

Flight to Bay Area Turned Around After Passenger Reports Ann Coulter Seen Going to Restroom

Walmart Announces To Shareholders Plan to Suck Universe Dry

In Move to Stop Terrorists Based on Previous Behavior, NY Area Strippers Will be Armed With Heat Seeking Missles

Chocolate Syrup Tanker Strikes Delicious Uncharted Ice Cream Reef

Adorable Kittens Announce Plans to Sneak Out of The House

Coming Up on Headlines: How Halliburton Ironically Fucked Itself

Have You Tried Our New Absinthe Mocha?

BUSH APPEARS IN MISSOURI WITH MUCKLES THE AARDVARK, NEW NATIONAL SECURITY MASCOT, WITH TRADEMARK "ONLY YOU CAN LICK TERRORISM"

Wild Applause as Kerry tells Bush: "And I Vow That I will Crush You As I Now Crush This Plum Tomato"

KRISPY KREME SALES FLATTEN OUT AS BOX ACCIDENTLY LEFT IN PASSENGER SEAT

Quality Foods Moves into Value-Added Gourmet Otter Pops, With Real Otter

New Infinti Coupe With Sophisticated On-Board Sensors Strongly Recommends You Start Walking

Energy Economists Warn the Only Thing With Less Gas Than the Stock Market is our Actual Gas Inventories

Abercrombie and Fitch Faces Busing Plan

9/11 Commission Blames Chad Rower, 42, Asst. Technical Analyst at DIA, for Failing in Aug 2001 to Act After Obtaining Bin Laden's ATM Card

Pfizer Shifts Research Drive From Cure for Resistent Malaria to New Boner Patch

Coming Up on Headlines: The $567 Billion Reflected in Your July Bank Balance May Belong to the Saudi Royal family

She is Not For You, Captain Kirk

Convention Shocker as John Edwards Delivers 2 Incredible Hours of Obscene, Sticky, Anatomically Unlikely Suggestions to Dick Cheney

Gov. Jeb Bush Reaffirms Florida's Principle of One Man, 3/4ths to One and 5/8ths Vote

Questioned in Scouting Incident, Ann Coulter Denies Foisting S'mores of Death

Severe Thunderstorms Seem to Hamper Coin-Operated Laundry Soap Dispenser

Sen. Obama Tapped As New James Bond

Republicans Accuse Kerry of Recklessly Seeking Presidency

In Africa Policy Shift, Teresa Heinz-Kerry Pushes War for Ketchup

Bob Novak Sells Out American Secrets to Iran For Box of Slightly Stale Cheez-Its

Adorable Kittens Use Sharp Claws to Climb Up Dick Cheney's Inner Thighs

Dell Laptop Screen Blocking View of Everything Below Sexy Overbite

GOP STRATEGISTS DEFIANTLY DECLARE "WE SHALL NOT BE DISUADED FROM MAKING SHIT UP"

Ron Reagan Gives Bill O'Reilly Vulcan Death Grip

We'd Like to Thank Goya for That Live Report

President Bush Leads Expedition Deep Into Upper Waters of the Amazon, Enters State of Deep Meditation and Consumes Poison Dart Frog Toxins to Reach a Mortal Struggle With Osama Bin Laden On the Jaguar Spirit Plane

Study Reveals Pop Country Cowboy Hats Are Actually Once Rare Life Forms Which Live Surprising Well By Sucking Out Small Amounts of Talent From Head

Kellogs Fires Exec In Frosted Arugula Misstep

Boy, 8, Shows Careless Disregard for Simple Rules Against Toying With God's Laws, Dooming Nevada

St. Francis of Assisi Flunks Evening Kickboxing Class

Adorable Kittens Employ the Retort Fuzzy

Tornado Fails to Destroy Mobile Home

Surgeons Working Around the Clock At Bethesda Naval Hospital Attempt to Separate Fraternal Twins, 32, Mostly With Childish Taunts And Imprecations Concerning Sexual Proclivities

Coming Up on Headlines: Could Your Preassembled Metal Shed Be Hiding Pakistan's Nuclear Weapons Program?

Major Initiative Undertaken Towards Development of Knowledge-Based Economy

Fats Waller Suddenly Pulls Tommy Gun From Stand-Up Piano and Totally Wastes SS Leader Himmler

Wal Mart "Health and Beauty and Preventative Dentention" Section Raises Eyebrows

Mesmerizing Bio-Chemist Unveils New Mesmerizing Spray

Frogs Deluge Fly Muffin Bakery

Dried Haggis Found in Sunken 1972 Ford Bronco Glove Compartment With Note Pinned On It Asking for Emergency Helicopter

Report: Ancients Had Discovered Secret of Avoiding Dish-Pan Hands Hundred of Years Before Jesus Cured the Wrinkle-Fingered

Cambridge University Assoc. Attacks Accreditation of University of People Reading A Lot

Man-Eating Gorilla Had Not Been Given Cupcake Allocation for Over a Month

Ingenious Hi-Tech Invention Renders Letter "Y", Semi-colon Obsolete

Clever Seattle Artist Patents Money

Insurance Company Totally Screws Man Over

Nostradamus Shocker: "I Haven't the Foggiest"

Alan Greenspan Returns "It's A Wonderful Life" Only Partly Rewound

Des Moines Opera's Experimental Version of "Die Fledermaus" is Unrealistic in Depiction of Iowa Farm Life

Coming Up on Headlines: Are Rabid Ferrets Also Massing In Your Company's Locker Room?

Image of Raphael's Mother Left Out of Big Fancy Painting

Late-Edition With Wolf Blitzer Closed Captioning Service Fired After Porn Movie Script Whimsically Substituted

Cult of "Product" Builds Brand Identity, Penetrates Market Share of the Almighty

View of Impressive Decolletage Obscured By Stack of Fair Trade Organic Coffee Cups

Adorable Kittens Fake Their Own Death For The Insurance Money

Sci Fi Channel Viewer Identifies At Least Five Ways these Dorks on the Beach Can Easily Escape the Swarm of Deadly But Still Fairly Tiny Super Ants

Tearful Bichon-Frise Retracts False Story of Adorable Kittens Insurance Death Hoax; Blames Unresolved Feelings of Jealousy, Humiliation of Plastic Neck Cone

ARIZONA SOCIALIST ON VERBAL RAMPAGE AFTER MISTAKENLY GIVEN RASPBERRY FLAVORED COFFEE

Charlie Rose, Putting Aside Standard Interview Technique With Architect Frank Gehry, Instead Spends Entire Hour Silently Sharing a Giant Ice Cream Sundae

Ben Stiller To Star in Comedy

Coming Up on Headlines: Why Your Company is About to be Denounced By Noam Chomsky

Administation Takes Pains to Clarify That Economic Gains From Enslavement of 2nd Graders Will Benefit All American Families Without 2nd Graders

Detailed Story of Web Server Replacement Kills 2, Injures 14

Woman in Elephant Costume Gains Popularity With Clever Use of Shop Vac

CANADA RETRACTS PROTOPLASMIC PSEUDOPOD

Highly Attractive Manhattan Woman Breaks Cross-Town Land Speed Record

University of Robots Robots Robots 0100100001111000100111110001110101010

Baptists Bag 400 African Souls with 800 Pounds of Rice

Adorable Kittens Cop a Feel

Coming Up on Headlines: Our Expert Tells You Everything You Want to Believe

Klingons Identify Tin-plated, Overbearing,
Swaggering Dictator with Delusions of Godhood

HMO Refuses To Cover Imbalance of Black and Yellow Humors

PENTAGON EXPLAINS RUMSFELD HAS BEEN BUSY BETA-TESTING HALF LIFE 2

Bush Vaunts Successful Protection of U.S. From Threat of Northern Invasion

Adminstration Plans to Improve National Forests in Eastern Washington By Dropping Tons of Burning Radioactive Liquid Mecury

Courtney Love Suddenly Explodes - Resulting Shards Are Swept Up and Arrested For
Assault, Possession of Cocaine, and Multiple Outstanding Warrant Violations

Terrorists Strike America's Health Care System, Throwing 50 Million Americans Off Insurance Rolls, and
Thousands into Premature Deaths (Correction: "Investors" -Ed.)

Wildfires Spread Across the Dancefloor, People Shake It Like They Don't Care No More

US 3rd Army Armored Division Moves Into Medford, Oregon in Attempt to Dislodge Heavily Entrenched WalMart

Terrorist Late for Istanbul Meeting But Bake-Sale Brownies Looked Scrumptious

University of Michigan Robot Scientists Reveal That the Flesh is Weak

All Species Removed From Endangered List; Problem Solved

Promise of Attractive Strip-Mall Design Falls Short of Expectations

Adorable Kittens Appear Shaken, Haunted by the Past

Manageable Goals Revolutionaries Write "Union Now!" On Dollar Bill Before Putting Into the Starbucks Tip Jar

Coming Up on Headlines: The Scourge of Floraphilla - How Much Do You Really Know About Your Gardener?

Massive Warm Dark Field Threatened By Emerging Gaseous Implication of Dynamic Spiritual Balance

7.4 EARTHQUAKE STRIKES COURTNEY LOVE

WOMAN, 23, ABLY MATCHES SOCKS WITH TASTELESS PLASTIC LAVENDER JEWELRY

JEWEL PITCHES JEWRY

U.S., RUSSIAN INTERCONTINENTAL BALLASTIC MISSILE SYSTEMS RECEIVE VAST CLOWN UPGRADE TO NOX-BASED MULTIPLE-REENTRY TARGET WHIPPED CREAM DISPENSERS

New Mom's Husband Inwardly Proud of New Baby And Wife's Magically Engorged Breasts

SENATE DEMS INTRODUCE HOPEFUL CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT TO BAN SAD MARRIAGE

Seattle Native Warmly Welcomes Stranger

Adorable Kittens Vent Rage on Deep Pile Carpet Sample

Attractive Woman in Cafe is Indifferent to Implied but Unspoken Offer to Sit and Enjoy a Free Cappucino

Coming Up on Headlines: Have You Been Victimized by Sweet-Talkin' Termites with Promises of Maintenance-Free Siding?

MARAT WHACKED

WHALE GYNECOLOGIST DISAPPEARS

TOP AL QAEDA LEADER TURNS IN SELF, RESPONDING TO SAUDI AMNESTY, SHIATSU MASSAGE, & FOOD COURT COUPON OFFER

REPORT: CIA FAULTED FOR 2001 BUSH PRETZEL-CHOKING INCIDENT

HOMELAND SECURITY TO POSTPONE ELECTION IN CASE OF TERRORISTIC ACTION, DEFINED AS SUDDEN INVOLUNTARY CHANGE OF U.S. GOVERNMENT

DICK CHENEY GROSSLY UNDERTIPS PAPER BOY, BERATING THAT EVEN A BASICALLY COMPETENT BOY WOULD HAVE THE PAPER THERE EACH AND EVERY DAY BY 4 AM

Courtney Love, Who, on the Lam in New York Drinks 2 Bottles of Goldschlagger and Shoots a Couple of Speedballs Before Stealing Ferrari, Running Over a Clutch of Nuns and Two Boy Scouts in An Attempted Escape As She Crashes It Into Liquid Oxygen Truck Which Explodes and Collapses a Large Section of the Guggenheim, Destroying $340 Million worth of Artwork and Totally Wiping Out a Cotton Candy Stand, And Staggers Down the Street, When She Suddenly Grabs Mayor Bloomberg's Crotch, Then Punches Him Out, Before Passing Out On the Top of the Escalators in Radio City Music Hall, Tumbling Down and Wiping Out Norah Jones Before Vomiting on the Year Old Quintuplets Who Were to Appear On the TODAY Show, Is Arrested

President Abraham Lincoln's Ghost Bitch-Slaps Ann Coulter

Marketing Manager Really Believes in the Product

Necessity for Fancy Raspberry Red Paint Job on New Navy Flying Attack Submarine Questioned

Local Girl Riled Up

ENTIRE U.S. AIRCRAFT CARRIER ABRAHAM LINCOLN BATTLE GROUP SURPRISED AND TAKEN BY GHOST PIRATES OFF THE MYSTERIOUS ISLE OF WOE

PENTAGON BLAMES OCCUPATION DIFFICULTIES ON INEXPERIENCED IRAQI GOVERNMENT

RECURRENT DEADLY EXPLOSIONS SEEN AS NECESSARY STEP FORWARD IN PEACE PROCESS

Alcoholic Alligator Pulled Over Outside Baton Rouge for Driving While Drunk and Cold-Blooded; Tests at .12 and 82 Degrees

A Glowering Dick Cheney Flatly Refuses to Pay Late Fees on "Like Water for Chocolate" When He Never Even Got Around to Watching It

Sadaam Refusing to Eat American Lima Beans

Bush's Frequent Toga Wearing Looking Less and Less Like Frat Nostalgia

Chinese Government Strikes Courageous Blow for The Human Right of Staying In Power Longer

Myrtle the Lesbian Polar Bear is Dissuaded From Releasing Album of Humorous Seal Meat Folk Songs

Rural Young Adults Leaving Family Farm America for Hot Urban Centers Where it Smells Better

Unmanageable Cannibal Mandibles Mishandle Edibile Candles

Supercolliding Superconductor Launches Superfunk Mothership

GIANT FLOATING BRAIN FROM NEBULAR-7 BALKS AT $3.25 FOR ORANGE JUICE AT DENNY'S

Coming Up on Headlines: Why No One Is Safe From Comcast Broadband Special Offer

Ashcroft Orders Emergency Deployment of Special Ops FBI Anti-Naked Task Force Delta

John Kerry Already Forced to Clarify That John Edwards is Running Mate

Ann Coulter Reportedly Forcing Cute, Endangered Koala Bears Into Unnatural Sex Acts With Other Neo-Fascist She-Males

Was It Liv Tyler Obscured Behind That Passing 1967 Mustard Yellow Ford Econoline Van?

Chickens Org. Will Seek Significant Reparations

Plato, Neo-Con of Athens, Sucks Up to Pericles To Cover Up Spartaphilia

Austria Apologizes For Peristent Inability to Distribute the Wonder of Viennese Pastry To Everyone All Over The World

Mookie the Phelmgy Drum Majorette Hocks a Solid Green One 42 Meters

Nike Business Model Eliminates Shoe Production - Institutes Service Wherby Consumers Pay a Monthly Fee To Be Culturally Associated With Sports Figures in Their Own Mind

Adorable Kittens Fingered As Cause of Wicker Basket of Yarn Fiasco

Restaraunt Featuring Provencal Style with a Bit of Northwest Fusion Forced To Add Pull-Tabs

Coming Up on Headlines: Your Mailman's GrowingSchadenfreude