CONFUSION AS MISTAKE GOES AWRY

POWER OUTAGE UN-ROCKS METAL COMMUNITY

BANK ROBS ITSELF

BIG TOAD COMMAND BEST LILYPAD!

SUICIDAL OAK TREE PHONES LUMBERYARD

WOMAN DISAPPOINTED IN DEAD BOYFRIEND

CEOS BONUSES LIMITED TO EXTRA SNACKS WHICH FALL IN VENDING MACHINES

MONGOLIAN FULLY AWARE OF YURT

NOBEL COMMITTEE ANNOUNCES NEW PRIZE FOR RAWK

BUFFALO GAL UNABLE TO COME OUT TONIGHT: BUSY ON FACEBOOK

JOHN BOEHNER LOOKS AT TIME, HURRIES BACK TO CRYPT

SPEECH EXPERTS SAY OBAMA USES HALTING PAUSES TO STIFLE GIGGLES WHILE RECALLING LINES FROM "CADDYSHACK"

BRIEF DANCE CONTRACT TERMS CLEVERLY HIDDEN UNDER ENORMOUS BREASTS

ROBOTS LAID OFF, CRUSHED

IN A TODAY'S URGENT HEADLINES URGENT OPINIONS, BY A BEAVER: "YOUR ECONOMIC THEORY IS VERY INTERESTING, BUT IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, I FEEL COMPELLED TO GNAW DOWN THIS BIRCH TREE."