Concerned Bush Vows to Defeat Klingons

French Navy Crew Crashes Party, Runs Off With the Chicks

Drunk, Smoking, Obese White Lab Rats Turning Up in Nation's Sports Bars

Condi Rice Refuses Offer of Marriage From Count Roni

Rumsfeld Warns Iraqis that Star Wars III Will "Undoubtedly Be The Greatest Movie Ever Screened"

Man Fends Off Possible Polar Bear Attack With CO2 Spewing Lincoln Navigator

Genetically Modified Hot Dog Disgusts Itself

World's Frailest Man Fractures Eyelash

Opinion: Can't We All Agree To Disagree About Who Gave Leprosy to Whom?

Molehill Slated For Expansion

New Pope To Reblock Pope Hat

Curmudgeon Opposes Aspartame and Kiwi-Lime-Mango Splash in City Water

Coming Up on Headlines: The Earth- One More Convienience And the Jig is Up