In Surprise, John Paul II Rewarded in Heaven with 72 Virgins

Primitive Hill People Install Lucrative Ski Lift

Ebert Says Vietnam II Not As Good as Original Vietnam

Quentin Tarrantino Takes Vow of Silence, Or More of a Long Pause Really

Superman Has Finally Had It, May Fly Around World and Reverse Time To Change Presidential Election

Robot Scientists Demand Right to Submit Grant Proposal in Binary

Seattle To Destroy Aging Alaska Way Viaduct With Explosive Pent-Up Emotions

Adorable Kitten Falls Asleep on Other Adorable Kitten, To Considerable Inconvienience

Travel Writer Enjoys Ames, Iowa Denny's Exactly as Much as Boise, Idaho Denny's

Incompetent Clerk Risks Spearing as Conquistador Impatiently Waits in Line to Return Defective 'Phantom Menace' DVD to Target

OPINION: These Outrageous Fuel Prices Are Cutting Into an Average Gas Huffer's Already Limited Budget

LATEST FINDING: Endangered Species Really Love Living Endangerously

Even New Doritos Packaging Fattening

Bush Calls for 'War on Air'

Coming Up on Headlines Weather: These Particular Particulates Won't Take It Lying Down